Her Calling

F O R T Y - O N E

F O R T Y - O N E
gnash, tell me it's okay.

Raheem.
(hahahahaha, you have to wait for her answer)

"Raheem?" My brother calls for my attention, my eyes drift from the city view before me and glance over at him, "Yes?" I mutter before my eyes drift back to the view.

I admit, I've been terrible without her but in all honesty. In the past few weeks I've been better than I thought I'd be. It had to be the distance, I know she mentioned time and time again that being further from Motheo helped. I didn't understand it at first, thinking the bond was the bond — it would be strong no matter what but I was wrong.

"Are you listening to me?" Khalil narrowed his eyes at me, "You know, I can tell when you're thinking about her."

Also, to add to it I had banned everyone who knew of her to not mention her name. I had stopped listening to her conversations with Khalil — honestly, after she cried that time about losing two mates, I couldn't bring myself to listen in anymore.

Unsurprisingly, apparently she had started sounding a lot happier since then too. I was glad she still communicated with my brother, a piece of me felt as though because she does maybe she hadn't fully given up on me. Maybe I hadn't completely ruined everything by leaving.

My leaving was never supposed to anger her, I knew to some degree it would but never to this point. I thought maybe she'd be happy, I thought she wanted nothing to do with me after that night. I thought she'd be glad to have me out of the picture, she could be with her first mate and take her rightful place.

Samira's dead and I only got even more reminded of that when I saw her in my dream. My first is gone, whilst Lerato's still lives and breaths. I doubted my ability to love her anywhere near what Motheo could. Even though he royally screwed up, if he wanted to the idiot could win her over without even trying.

He's an Alpha and added to that he's the damn Alpha King, topping it off with being her first and thus 'true' mate. I don't stand a chance.

He'll always be there and he'll always have the upper hand, I'll always be second. She might be my second chance too but it's different for me, I don't have a first anymore — it's all her. I feel everything the same, if I hadn't gone so long without a mate I think I'd have completely forgotten what it feels like.

Comparing the two feelings, they're identical if not pushed just a little more this time around. It's hard when I feel all of that and she simply feels nothing, Amir told me she thought she had a crush on me, our bond is only recognisable as a crush to her. Such a mundane feeling that can easily be swept aside.

I hear the bedroom open and only then do I remember Khalil was attempting to have a conversation, "Wait," I turn towards the door, "What did you want to say? Sit down, I'll pay attention, I'm sorry."

He sighs before shaking his head, "Nevermind it, it's cool." He steps out and shuts the door behind him.

I sigh as a hand runs through my hair, I can't keep crying over spilt milk. I need to decide if I'm going to go fight for her, or I'm going to stay here and become a walking caucus again.

I walk into my closet and make my way around the back of the walk-in, I walk up to the boxes stacked right in the centre of this section of the oversized closet.