Strings Attached

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Holding my breath, I waited for Isabelle's reaction but moments passed by without a single word crossing her lips. She wouldn't even look at me. Instead, she kept staring into those tall glowing buildings in the distance like she was consumed by a spectrum of hurtful memories. Despite the fact that every cell of my being existed in nerve-wracking anticipation, I wouldn't push her to say or do anything. I would be patient. I would follow her lead.

There was no way for me to know how my sudden confession made her feel, but I expected her to be confused, emotional and perhaps even angry. A part of me expected her to start screaming at me and let out that same bottled up rage that made her shred her wedding gown into unrecognizable pieces. I expected her to do a million different things that would confront me with the undeniable proof of what a bastard I'd been. What I hadn't expected was for Isabelle to turn towards me in slow motion and gaze at me with those wide hazel eyes that reflected no anger, but only raw pain.

"It was your right," she said in a small wounded voice, shrugging her shoulders like this was all there was to be said because she still didn't expect me to care.

I closed my eyes, remembering what I'd said to her when she begged me to show her mercy and take note of her helplessness. 

I am your husband. That means I have rights...

The reminder of those words triggered a series of flashbacks I had been fighting to suppress for months and my throat constricted with suffocating regret. The thought of all the despicable threats and insults I'd spat at Isabelle that night made me realize I had hurt her in so many different and unimaginable ways. It wasn't only about taking away her choice and consummating our marriage without her consent. It was about destroying what little self-confidence she might have possessed after growing up in the care of that cold unfeeling hag. It was about making her feel like she deserved it.

"No, Isabelle!" I exclaimed in a shameful whisper, feeling furious with myself as my face grimaced with uncontrollable pain that ate at me from within. "What I've done was wrong on so many levels. I had no right." My voice cracked at the humbled admission that made my chest hurt but I reminded myself that I had no right to burden Isabelle with my own demons. Taking in a deep breath, I looked at her again and forced myself to continue owning up to every single fucked up thing I had ever said or done since the beginning of our marriage. "A man has to earn a woman's trust before sharing that kind of intimacy with her. I broke that trust before I even got a chance to earn it and I regret it deeply."

Dismayed, I watched in utter horror and helplessness as my wife's sad eyes filled with a thick blur of tears, reflecting the extent of her silent suffering that she fought so hard to keep hidden from me. If there was ever a fitting punishment for my sins, it was having to look at her in such a hopeless and broken state, knowing the entire time it was me who had caused it.

"Don't. Please don't cry anymore. I know I hurt you with so much cruelty, but..." I paused and suppressed the exclamation of love that threatened to come out to the surface, replacing it with a watered down version of how I felt because I knew it was the only thing she could handle at the moment. "Tonight, and for a long time already, my intentions have been very different, Isabelle. Hurting you is the last thing on my mind."

While I searched for some kind of confirmation in her silent expression, those dark brown irises widened in clear surprise and she seemed speechless.

"Sebastian, I..." Her voice trailed off, making it obvious she didn't know what to say to me or how to deal with this.

The most merciful thing to do would be to drop the subject and back off because I could taste both Isabelle's discomfort and the underlined traces of her growing panic. After all, I was well aware of the fact that I was insisting on having a conversation about the events that left her scarred and traumatized beyond recognition. The knowledge that I was the very man who plagued her nightmares and caused her this tremendous amount of suffering only made matters worse and my mind kept warning me that I had to thread with extreme caution if I didn't want to cause more damage and pain.