At Your Service ✓

[Chapter Forty-Eight] Shawn

Chapter Forty-Eight – Shawn

It felt so good to have her in my arms again, I know that I just caved on it all but I can’t stay mad at her and I can’t fucking bare to see her crying, my heart feels like it’s being ripped out seeing her crying and even if she did deserve to be yelled at I couldn’t handle that it was me who was making her cry.

When she said she should leave I was just desperate to have her stay, I couldn’t let her leave and at that moment I didn’t care what she did I just, I wanted her closer I didn’t want to push her away and it that meant swallowing my pride than I would do it for her.

As soon as my lips touched hers I needed more or her, I needed to touch her and to feel her, I needed her body underneath mine and as I looked down at her I felt no regrets right now. I had her back and that was what mattered to me.

Her stomach was swelling because of the baby and that made me smile, I put my large hand over her little belly and was amazed that there was a little baby being formed in there. I know this isn’t her first but it’s mine and it was all so new and strange to me.

Holy shit I was going to be a father.

This is what I always said I didn’t want, I didn’t want a wife or girlfriend at home and kids to miss me if I didn’t come home. They would be devastated and it would be my fault but it was who I was, I couldn’t just quit.

“What’s wrong?” she asked

“What if I don’t make it back one of these times, I almost didn’t last time, what if our baby-” she cut me off.

“Shh. Don’t, just please don’t torture yourself like that.” She put my hand back on her stomach and looked up at me. “You’re going to be a great father and our baby is going to grow up knowing their dad is a great man and will appreciate what you do but most importantly they are going to know you. You’ll be there.” she said but I just couldn’t accept it.

“What if I’m not though? I can’t put you through that” I turned away from her and she ended up on top of me, forcing me to look at her.

“I can handle it.” she told me and I shook my head

“Even if you can I don’t want you to have to.” I touched her cheek and she leaned into my touch, I loved when she did that.

She would already have to deal with enough when I was gone, it would be like being a single mother at points but this time she would have two kids instead of one but I guess at least I would know she was taken care of when I was gone, I didn’t want her to struggle to pay rent or worry about food, if she would let me I would take care of that, I would take care of her and Lex and this baby.

I know it’s early to think about some things but there’s no use entering into something serious if she can’t handle it when I’m gone. I’ve seen girls crumble when their husbands or boyfriends were gone, I’ve seen them cheat and I’ve seen relationships fall apart and I didn’t want that, I had to know that if I deploy again then she would be able to keep it together.

I needed to know that she would be able to handle being with me but I already knew that she could. She was a strong person and my deploying wouldn’t make her go find someone else, my deploying wouldn’t make her leave me. Now I just have to get her to fall madly in love with me and be with me forever, or you know, just agree to be my god damn girlfriend.

I kissed her because I just needed her, it was a dangerous feeling but I didn’t want to fight it anymore I just wanted her to be mine, I wanted her to care for me like I do for her, I wanted her to love me one day, I wanted to wake up to her and fall asleep with her in my arms.