At Your Service ✓

[Chapter Twelve] Shawn

Chapter Twelve – Shawn

Having dinner with them was actually nice. I put the food in the fridge and smiled, I haven’t had a home cooked meal since before I went into the Army, back when I was still living at home. I couldn’t cook at all.

I know she was worried about me and she didn’t hid that she didn’t trust me but I really wish I could convince her that I’m not as bad as she thinks I am. I’m really not going to harm her or Lalexia. I curled up in bed and for the first time I could actually sleep peacefully.

In the morning I got up and showered before I microwaved the left overs and wondered how much I would have to pay her to bring me food to because it was damn delicious and so much better than frozen meals and take out.

There was a knock at my door and she was standing there so I let her in and she set a pan down on the counter

“I see you ate the left overs.” She saw the plate and I nodded

“Of course, It’s better then what I eat.” I told her and she looked at me amused

“And what do you eat?” she asked

“Take out, drive through and anything that can be microwaved.” She gave me a disgusted look and cringed a little

“So gross.” She shook her head

“Yeah well I can’t cook.”

“Heat that up at three fifty for a half hour, it can be dinner. So pink or blue?” she asked me

“Uh, blue.” I said and she nodded and grabbed her bag

“I’ll go change.” She went from bringing me food to business in like five seconds. I looked at the pan to see enchiladas and  I put it in the fridge

“What’s the food for?” I asked when she came out and I was very happy with the blue lingerie she was now in

“For paying for groceries last night.” She said

“Well I’d pay for your groceries any day if it meant making me dinner.” I told her and she tossed a box of condoms at me again

“Where do you want me?” she asked and I gestured towards the bedroom and I watched her ass as she walked down the hall. She flopped down onto the bed and I undid my pants but this time I was a little gentler with her since I wasn’t so angry. 

I didn’t call her any names but I also didn’t put in the extra work to get her off either.

We were starting round two with her on top and I lost it, I slapped her and when she hit me back I choked her but it was like it wasn’t happening, like i was somewhere else and i wasn't actually doing it. When I cleared my head she was on her hands and knees on the floor coughing for air.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry.” I panicked.

I went to reach for her and she stumbled away and freaked out and I didn’t blame her. I felt horrible right now.

“Get away.” She was still trying to suck in air and I grabbed her this time and pulled her into my lap on the bed

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I said before I repeated inhale and exhale over and over until she was doing it and breathing evenly again. I grabbed her face and looked at it but didn’t see any marks but there were ones on her neck.

“Don’t touch me.” she tried to pull away and I ran my hand over her neck hoping she was okay.

“I’m sorry.” I told her again but she was angry. She pulled herself away from me and I put my head in my hands as she got dressed and she left slamming the door without caring about getting paid and I did something I haven’t done more than a handful of times in my life, I cried.

I didn’t like this person I had been slowly becoming, under normal circumstances I would never hurt a woman because that wasn’t what I believed in. I was out of control and I had been trying to convince myself nothing was wrong but obviously there was.

I needed to stop lying to myself because next time I lost it like that I may end up killing them and I was glad my knife or gun weren’t near me because those where usually under my pillow and what I woke up holding in the middle of the night.

She didn’t deserve that and I just lost control so I made a rushed decision to get dressed and I went to see my doctor. When I got back there he looked at my arm confused

“You look fine.” He said and I sighed

“She was over today and I lost it on her and I could have killed her.” I told him

“What did you do?” he asked me

“I slapped her when she tried to touch my chest and when she slapped me back I choked her and after I let go she could barely breathe. She ran out and shit.” I cursed angrily

“Shawn.”

“No, I ran into her at the store yesterday, she has a little girl. Her daughter is seven years old. What if I broke something, what if I killed her? I was at her house for dinner last night, what if I lost it then, what if I hurt Lalexia?” I asked angry at myself.

“Is that her daughter’s name?” he asked me and I nodded

“What if I seriously hurt her?” I asked him

“Shawn you need to talk to someone.” He told me

“And if they discharge me?” I asked him

“With the number of times you’ve been deployed I think you need to talk about it.” he handed me a card “Call them and just try. This is the wake-up call you needed, you need to get help.” He told me and I nodded.

I came here as a rash decision so I called as soon as I got out and made an appointment.

If I would have waited at all I would have talked myself out of all of this. I looked at the time and it was only noon so against all my better judgment I went over to her place because even if she slams the door in my face she deserves a real apology from me and an explanation.

When she wouldn’t let me in I pushed in anyway and I hated that she was afraid of me and I needed to make things right and then go to my therapy appointment today which I wasn’t happy about but I promised the doc that I would at least give it a try and I kept my promises.