If I Stay

Chapter Two

"Liz!" Liz woke to find Vera holding a lantern. Sleeping beside her baby boy was common for Liz. She had better dreams while sleeping at the cemetery than inside her own bed. 

"Let's go now" Vera helped her up as they made way back to Vera's car. Liz kissed her little boy goodbye before leaving.

"You know you're doing great... I can't imagine a lot of girls that can handle all this and still want to graduate" -Vera. Liz shrugged and continued looking out the window. Liz had cried so many tears over her relationship and the miscarriage of her child that she was used to the pain. 

"I just want to graduate and be done with it," she said emotionless.

Three months. All Liz had to do was endure 12 weeks inside her personal hell also known as school and then she was done for life. This was easy right?

***************

The wind swept through the beach as the full moon and stars decorated the night sky. Liz felt the cool breeze sweep through her and lightly brush against her cheeks. She was in a white spaghetti strap dress, with the bottom flowy. 

The waves crashed against the sand, harbouring the sea's treasures and revealing beautiful seashells. Liz looked up once again and stood in awe, mesmerised by the moon. And that's when she heard it. Her little boy crying. Where was it coming from?

Liz looked around the beach, frantic to try and find her baby boy and make sure he was safe and okay. His crying only grew louder, deafening the sound of the waves and the midnight breeze. Staring at the moon once again, she was now drawn into the ocean. Liz took small steps closer into the water as his cries only grew louder. Liz gave her soul back to the ocean so she could be with her baby boy again. 

***************

Liz woke up startled and sweaty. The fifth recurring nightmare in a row. She was used to this nightmare by now. On the first night was the worst. She woke up crying and did not go back to sleep. Now this dream was just another daily obstacle she had to overcome.

5.54am.

Liz could squeeze in some therapy before school and while Hawaii was still asleep. She changed into her bathing suit and drove the family Ute to the beach with her board in the boot. 

The morning waves weren't as grand as the evening but Liz would pick privacy over big waves any day. The ocean was the only real place Liz loved to be besides the cemetery since her life changed. Liz got in a few good waves before waiting for the last wave. This wave took a while to arrive as she sat on her board and looked over the horizon. She let the water push her every which way as she relaxed. Liz finally realised she was waiting for a wave that was never going to come, so she paddled back to shore. 

Let's get this day over and done with, was the last thing she thought on her way back home. Liz avoided her sisters on her way to the bathroom, not wanting to hear Vera's complaining in the morning.

******************

"Liz can you stay back after the bell rings" Mrs Rivers stopped her from leaving the classroom.

"Liz whatever's going on... you're letting it affect your grades." Liz did not need to add Mrs Rivers to the list of daily lectures she receives.

"Please don't. I hear this every day. I'll be fine" I slumped my bag over my shoulder and left the classroom. She walked past seeing him and her old group of friends together laughing on one of the tables. Frozen in her tracks, she heard a small piece of her heart shatter before regaining the confidence to continue walking.

Finding a tree near the east side of the school, she took refuge from the sun underneath and sunk deep into her book. Nicholas Sparks. The home of all her aspirations with love. What was love anyway? If you love someone, it hurts. If you don't love, it hurts. So what was the point?

Maybe Jamie Sullivan and Landon Carter had a better love story than Liz (From the book/movie 'A walk to remember'). And maybe Liz could sink into the pages of her storybook so she was apart of their reality and not hers. Because anywhere seemed better than watching painful reminders every day.

The bell rang indicating the end of break. Now was the time everyone got into the extracurriculars, sports and anything that was considered 'fun' outside the classroom. Fortunate for Liz, after the incident she cut off all of that, resigning from the volleyball team and quitting music classes. So Liz was free to stay and read, although she was right next to the football field. Kenai would be here soon and this was now the last place Liz wanted to be.

Liz packed the book back into her bag and began searching for a new spot to continue easing her curiosity of Jamie and Landon's love story.  Moving to a smaller village away from Pearl City and into the country was definitely a goal for Liz. Maybe after high school, she can rent a small hut deep into the forest and read books for the rest of her life.

**************

"Your teacher called" Liz ignored Vera as she walked into the kitchen

"Liz. Don't do this. " Her voice was filled with plead as Vera blocked the doorway, trapping Liz

"Just drop it" Liz smiled trying to brush past

"You think this is okay? Mia watching her big sister fade into some emotionless robot, careless about what her life has become?" Vera wasn't sympathetic anymore, she was angry.

"Leave it Vera" Liz was getting angry as well

"No. Liz tell me. What do you hope to achieve by giving up? By hiding yourself? By dropping the things you're good at?"

"Vera leave me alone" A tear left her eye as she screamed, pushing past Vera and driving off.

Liz's emotions were on high. She only had two of them. Sadness and anger. If she wasn't feeling either of them then she was numb to any other feeling. Liz finally let the tears fall freely to the sound of Winter Aid.

Let me sleep

I am tired of my grief

And I would like you

To love me, to love me, to love me

By the time Liz stopped driving the sun had begun to set. She didn't realise where she had driven to. Their place. She felt the tree engraved ' K + L' and let out a painful scream. Walking deeper she let her knees sink into the sand and cried. There was a piece of Liz's heart that was in Heaven, which meant that on Earth she was incomplete. 

Liz missed her little boy more than anything. Praying every night begging for God to return him and Liz would make everything right again. Praying to stop the pain her body had to endure whilst feeling her heart shatter. For a whole month, Liz's hopes rose with the sun, only to crash down every time she saw the moon. 

Blocking out the outside world, she was sitting on this beach with all her emotions. Wrapping her hand over her stomach, she yearned to feel her son back inside. Liz was entirely sick of it, hence why she kept grieving on her own instead of telling someone.

"The timing wasn't right"

"You're still young, you were given another chance to enjoy your youth"

"At least this didn't happen later in the pregnancy"

"It could've been worse"

I mean seriously. This was the best that people could come up with? Implementing that Liz should be grateful that she wasn't further along? Liz should be thankful that she can live the rest of her teenage years like others? She had enough.

Liz didn't want to hear all this. Failed lines to cheer her up like these made her sick. Liz still lost a soul. Liz wanted this baby more than anything in the world and was ready to give everything up. No one said the words she wanted to hear.

"I know it hurts, it's okay to feel like this"

"You're grieving matters"

"Take as much time as you need for this"

No one. Not Vera. Not the girls who would walk past her in the school hallways and feel sympathetic. Not her teachers. Not even Kenai.