Beast

Chapter 19

Elise removed herself from the study before the tears could fall. She was being sent away. She was being dismissed like unwanted baggage. He doesn't want me here. The thought tore through her and she was halfway up the stairs to her room before the first tears slipped down her face. She needed to be quite alone to deal with this. The sob that ripped from her throat had her dashing for her room. She had barely managed to shut the door before she fell against it and released the torrent of her emotions. She barely registered what happened next, but when she finally came back to herself she noticed she was huddled on her bed, the sky was brightening outside her curtains and she was cold. So bitterly cold she knew it was not from the lack of a fire, her very bones ached with it. Her head pounded, her throat ached, her eyes stung and she was frozen to the marrow. She had not been so miserable since she left her guardians house, of that she was sure. She had spent nights in alleyways that were more pleasant than sitting on this feathered bed in this grand country estate. He doesn't want me here. The thought brought fresh tears to her eyes. She didn't think she would have any left to cry, but her body had quite another idea. She knew she could not continue as she was - she needed to organise herself for her coming journey. Elise would not allow him to see how much she was hurt - her fragile pride would allow no such satisfaction to a man that could make her care for him so deeply and then thrust her aside.

Elise snapped her head up as if struck. I LOVE him. The thought dried her tears immediately. She felt relieved to have finally admitted it to herself, if she was being honest. It made sense as to why his behaviour had hurt her so. She loved him and he was sending her away. Anger replaced her sorrow now. She flung herself from her bed, pacing in front of the cold hearth. Her thoughts swirled for a time, she felt entirely unable to stop returning to the fact that she wanted this man for the rest of her life. She wanted to be there to offer comfort and be offered comfort in return. She thought on it extensively and came to the conclusion she had started to love him from the moment he had petted her while she cried over him. His agony had been profound, she knew that, but he had offered solace to someone else and ignored his own agonies. He had tried to protect her throughout his whole recovery she realised. Never blaming her for his current situation, never stopping her from going to him when she needed to, never demanding anything she was unwilling to give, always offering her comfort even when he felt uncomfortable or thought he was the source of her discomfort. Never showing her his face as he knew it would upset her - this thought made her positively savage. As if I would care?! As if by looking at him I would forget everything else!! He always did his best by her - even if it was not what she actually wanted - his moral compass dictated his every action, even if it led him astray occasionally. She stormed to her wash basin and washed away her sorrow. Well, this is obviously what he wants, so I may as well accept it. She needed to go to the library and calm herself. She needed somewhere to think and write down all of the things she needed to do before she left. A silent prayer left her that she would be able to make it the library without bumping into their guest or Alexander.

Her silent sojourn through the house was uneventful, she noted that it was deathly silent and a little before 6 o'clock in the morning. Her pride took another blow that she had spent so long in the depths of despair she had forgotten to complete the salves for Alex. She would do that as soon as she had finished her list and began her preparations. As she entered the dark and silent library she held her breath. No one was here, thankfully. She strode to the hearth, grabbing the tinder box and building a fire. She paused for several minutes before building the courage enough to light it. When the flint finally lit the tinder she slammed her eyes closed and took a second to compose herself. The fear that swept through her was nowhere near what she had expected and a little laugh left her. The fire took quite nicely as she scrabbled around in the other box for some candles to light. She gathered four and lit them, moving over to the small writing desk in the corner.