Destiny Destroyed

Chapter 37 (Present Day 1986)

SEPTEMBER 1986

I've been living with Ryan for six weeks. He tried to give me his room, but I refused. I sleep on the couch and keep my things in the hall closet. Ryan had cleared it out for me. We got along great and I was slowly heeling. I knew I couldn't live with Ryan forever. I teased him that I was cramping his style. He was a great friend though. I still missed Lucas and Eric every day, but I knew I was doing the right thing for me. I was working at a restaurant with Julie not far from Ryan's apartment. I was getting my life together. I had been looking at apartments, but still couldn't afford one on my own. I was thinking about taking an ad out for someone looking for a roommate. If I could find someone to share a place, I might be able to swing it. I had asked Julie, but she wasn't ready to move out. She told me the offer still stood to move in with her and her grandma if I needed to.

OCTOBER 1986

I'm walking home to Ryan's apartment taking in the beautiful fall day. The leaves had started to change colors and it looked incredible. "I miss you Lucas", I whisper. "I can't help but wonder where the two of us would be right now. I'm thinking we would have chosen a college together like we discussed when we talked about our future. We'd be in our own rooms in a dorm somewhere together. We'd be meeting up between classes and sneaking into each other's dorm rooms. We'd be planning our future. I know that future isn't going to happen. I miss Eric also. The part of me that didn't remember you wonders what him and I would be doing right now. Would we have chosen to go to the same college just as you and I would have? I sigh. I have to put you both behind me. I have to move on. I hope Eric is moving on. I'll love you both always, but Eric and I need to move on without each other. I'm sorry Lucas. I know you wanted us to stay together, but we just couldn't." My talk out loud helped me put thing into perspective. I needed to move on without them both.

Julie and I were supposed to go out tonight, but she met a boy. She hadn't dated anyone since Ben. Ben broke up with her before heading off to college. He was going to California State San Marcos. They both agreed the distance wasn't going to work. I was proud that as heart broken as Julie seemed, she did not take up with old habits. She had been a saint staying single and sexless. I knew her and Ben still exchanged phone calls here and there. When Julie told me she had met a boy and he asked her out, I more than willing backed out of our plans. I wanted my best friend to be happy. So instead of going to dinner and a movie, I was sitting on Ryan's couch waiting for him to come home. I made garlic chicken with rice and vegetables. It was keeping warm in the oven. Ryan would be home shortly. I was going to surprise him with dinner. He had been casually dating a girl for about a month and they broke up. I had been putting a lot of thought into dating again. I knew dating was an important step in moving on.

"Something smells incredible," Ryan says coming through the door. "I made us dinner." He smiled at me as he hung his coat on the coat rack. "I thought you had plans." He walks towards me while unbuttoning the top buttons on his shirt. Ryan scored a job with a private practice doctor's office a few weeks ago. He looked very handsome dressed in his perfectly pressed white dress shirt and black trousers. "Julie got asked out. I was more than willing to give up our girls night for her getting a date night." Ryan sits down next to me. "You're a good friend." I smile at him. "You should go change because dinner is done. I'll put it out on the table." I head to the kitchen while Ryan goes to change. He comes back in jeans and t-shirt. We sit and eat. "I tell him about my day at the restaurant and he fills me in on his day."

I can't help but think how my life feels normal. I'm eating dinner and having a conversation. I remember my entire life. I have no desire to hurt myself. My life is good. I am healing. I still see Dr. Adams twice a month. It's more about me now then what happened in the past. It's my way making sure I keep moving forward. After dinner, Ryan helps me clean up. I wash the dishes. Ryan dries and puts them away. I'm lying on the couch with my head in Ryan's lap. He's playing with my hair while we watch television. We do this a lot. I fall asleep. When I wake Ryan is watching me. I stare up at him. I don't even know exactly how it happened or who made the first move. It's just like one minute I was asleep and the next we were kissing. Part of me knew it was wrong, but another part of me wanted it. There has always been underlying sexual tension with Ryan and I. We just never crossed that line. At least not until now.

I lose myself in his kiss. All thoughts of any other boys gone from my head. There's just Ryan. There's just us and now. The kiss deepens and our bodies are now pressed together. He's lying on the couch with me. He slides me on top of him. Our lips never part. I don't think about anything. I just enjoy the feel of him. His hand slides up my back underneath my shirt. My skin breaks out in goosebumps. Our lips part and his travel down my neck. My body responds. I close my eyes. His hand slides around my side to the front. I move slightly giving him access to my chest. Our eyes meet and he stops. We stare at each other. Neither of us says a word. I watch as Ryan takes a deep breath. "We have to stop," he says. Disappointment travels through me at a rapid speed. I know he's right. We crossed a line. If we did this, we could never go back. I move off him. "I'm sorry," he says as he walks off to his bedroom. I hear the shower start. I sigh and flop back on the couch.

After that night, Ryan and I made sure to never let our feelings go that far again. We admitted we both cared about each other. Maybe there was a love in there, but we didn't want to risk our friendship. Julie was all for the friends with benefits when it came to Ryan and me, but I knew that would end badly. I always wanted Ryan in my life, and I knew if we took it to that level, at some point we would lose each other for good. You can't be friends with someone after having a relationship like that. One person always falls in love with the other. Unless we would fall in love with each other, but I knew that wasn't going to happen for me. As much as I cared about Ryan and thought he was great, I was still in love with two brothers. I worried I would always be in love with them.