Destiny Destroyed

Chapter 4 (1985)

I'm sitting at the small round table with Ryan eating lunch. I feel a bit hungry today. Ryan is eating a turkey sandwich he brought with him. I look down at my salad and wish I had a turkey sandwich. I'm busy picking out the cucumbers when I notice Ryan look up from his seat. I glance up and then my eyes follow his. Eric is standing next to me. "Hi," he says when our eyes meet. "Hi," I say back. "Do you mind if I sit with you," he asks looking to Ryan and then back to me. Ryan shrugs. "I guess not," I say stunned when he sits in the seat next to me. I can feel myself blush. Great.

I turn my attention back to the salad that I completely lost interest in. I am more interested in the boy sitting next to me. My instant high turns into an instant downer. I can't help but wonder if he's about to win a bet or something. Maybe he's going to spill food on me. I look over at Ryan and he's just eating his sandwich like Eric's not there. I look over at Eric and he's eating his tacos. I turn back to my salad and continue to eat. We sit in silence while we eat. The silence is killing me. I can feel negative feelings seeping in. I need to get away from him.

"Can we go Ryan," I ask. He looks from me to Eric and stands. We both walk away and leave Eric sitting alone at the table. Out in the hall I stop and lean against the wall. "What are you feeling Destiny," he asks. "I feel like I want to hurt myself," I tell him. "That's good," he tells me. I look at him like he's the one who is crazy. "How is that good," I ask tears spilling down my face. "You acknowledged it to me. It's a step. It's a good step," he tells me motioning for me to follow him. I walk down the hall wiping at my tears. It may be a step in the right direction to him, but to me I just want to hurt myself.

Ryan lets me skip my next class and hang out in his office. I pull the pony tail out of my hair and let it fall around my shoulders. I lay on the uncomfortable sofa staring at the ceiling. I did this for hours at Meadow Crest. I lay there and watch as the ceiling blurs and then dances. My eyes close and I sleep. When Ryan wakes me, I am shocked to see the school day is over. I missed my afternoon classes. "Why didn't you wake me," I ask him as I pull myself together. I wipe the sleep from my eyes as he waits patiently for me. He follows me down the hall to my locker.

The kids around me just stare. I reach up to smooth down my hair. I can only imagine what I look like. I sigh as we reach my locker. Ryan hands me a paper with my missed assignments. I look it over and pull out the books I need to do them. I shove them in my backpack and slam my locker shut. I hear someone behind me call me a nut job. I casually reach behind my head and flip them off. Bitch he says. Ryan turns to the boy and he hurries off. I follow Ryan out to my mom's waiting car. I wait while Ryan tells her about my nap.

I close my eyes and reach up to touch my shirt. "Only you," his voice says. I can feel the tears sliding down my cheeks. I hurry to wipe them hoping my mom did not see them. I don't understand where they come from. The urge to hurt myself is so strong right now. Thinking about what Seth and I did I ask my mom "Are you sure there wasn't a note." She knows what I am talking about. I ask her this same question over and over. She turns to look at me briefly before turning her attention back to the road. "There wasn't a note Destiny." I think about this. It's not the first time I have put thought into this subject. Why would we do something like that without a reason or explanation. "It doesn't make sense," I say more to myself than her. "No, it doesn't Destiny. The last couple years make no sense at all."

I can tell I've managed to put her in a bad mood. I try not to ask questions about that time. This is what happens when I do. She gets in a mood. We arrive home and I stomp up to my room. I throw myself on my bed and try to remember. Why can't I remember. I feel the urge so strong. I look around the room. There has to be something that will make me feel better. I walk over to Faith's side of the room and start looking through her desk. I find a paper clip and stare at it. I bend the clip open and poke the back of my hand with it. When I realize it will work for what I need, I stab the point of the clip into the back of my hand.