The Everyday Adventures of Sam and Megan (GirlxGirl)

Season 3: Episode 14

***Trigger Warning: Minor mentioning of self-harm.***

| October 22 | Early Monday Morning |

~ Sam's POV ~

My fists banged on the door loudly. It was so loud that I was convinced my eardrums would rupture, but I couldn't stop. She couldn't keep me in here forever, could she? I yanked on the doorknob, but it was no use. I was trapped.

"Mom!" I shouted.

I continued to pound my fists into the wooden door, attempting to ignore the shooting pains. At one point, they eventually began to bleed. The crimson liquid began to stain the white paint that covered the exterior of my door. Then, as I looked around, I started to realize my entire room was white.

"Mom, please!" I begged, my head resting against the door as I yanked the handle. "Please let me out!"

I started to pound against it again, ignoring the pain and panic coursing through my body.

BANG! BANG! BANG–!

I gasped awake as I came to terms with the hammering in my chest. At first, I was confused as my hands ran over unfamiliar bed sheets. That is, until I realized I had fallen asleep in our guestroom. A deep breath entered my lungs as I attempted to calm my heart before glancing at the clock.

3:31am.

"Fuck," I muttered.

I decided to hop out of bed since my desire to sleep had vanished.

I had been sleeping in the guest bedroom recently because of these dreaded nightmares and was tired of waking Megan in the middle of the night. I knew it was starting to annoy her. Tonight, I was lucky. Usually I had multiple if it was a bad night.

After fishing my pack of cigarettes out my jacket pocket, I went outside to smoke. I was going through half-a-pack a day now. Not to mention the desire to drink was also back. It seemed as if I was getting worse, which my therapist warned me about now that we were starting to touch on the root of my trauma. Of course, she gave me coping mechanisms, but it was hard to implement them. Especially when I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror after the moment I had with Jade a few weeks ago.

I walked out into the early morning darkness and lit my cigarette as I shielded the flame from the wind. The intrusive thoughts never stopped, either. Thoughts like, Cheat on Megan. It's only right since you're just going to hurt her in the end. Get it over with... and You'll never be a good caretaker. All you know is leaving. Who are you fooling? You'll just screw Ava up even more that she already is...

Of course, I could now recognize them for what they were, but it took a lot of self-talk not to listen and act on them. It was like I was constantly in a tug-of-war with myself. It was exhausting. I just wanted them to go away for good.

My loneliness grew everyday as I continued to shut Megan out of my life. I felt it was needed if I wanted to protect her. Or maybe that's just what I was telling myself.

The cool October air whipped the smoke around as I blew it from my lips. The burn in my lungs was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my heart that seemed to pump throughout my entire body with every heartbeat. What the hell was I doing? Why did I feel like I was losing control of my life? And what would it take to finally make all the bad feelings go away?

The depression, the anxiety, the dreams, the bad habits... everything just seemed to be consuming me. I could feel it numbing me again. I could feel my emotions shutting off little by little and I didn't want to return to that girl again. Not after all the progress I had made over the years. Then again, had I made any progress at all if it could so easily come back like it had?