The Boy from the Band

I Do Believe in Your Hexagram

I do a tarot reading and the cards are all gibberish. I don't trust it so I throw the I-Ching and this is what I get:

Hexagram 54, Kuei Mei, The Marriageable Maiden

Text: The Marriageable Maiden. Advance Brings Misfortune. No Goal or Destination is now favorable.

This is never a good hexagram to draw, but the message seems clear, I'd be crazy to move to New York, it would bring me nothing but grief. I don't want to move, but I'm missing Rick so bad it's driving me crazy. How long can I put up with this I ask myself?

I love Rick, I have loved him for six years. I was 23 when I met him and I'm 29 now--I've grown up. I know his quirks and his idiosyncrasies. I know what he likes in bed. He, in turn, knows my body like a book and knows how to make me laugh when I'm unhappy. He listens to me when I need to talk, that's not true of many guys. I miss him so much it drives me crazy, six months has not been long enough to change things.

There is an interesting line in the text interpretation: "It is better to be a concubine than to be unmarried." I'm not so sure about that myself. Do I want to spend the rest of my life being Rick's concubine? I've devoted six years of my life to him so I guess you could say I'd resigned myself to being a concubine, but I'm not so sure that's what I want.

When he calls me I feel a fluttering like butterflies in my stomach as soon as I hear his voice. He doesn't mention my moving, not even a hint, just his soft baby voice asking me how work is going and how much he misses me. Does he have a strategy planned, is he sure that in the long run I will give in and join him in Woodstock?

I both dread and look forward to his calls. I hadn't expected him to call me at all. Since he left I have missed him horribly, there had been no man until I spent the weekend with Bob Weir. A little of my confidence is returning but I am still vulnerable and when I talked to him I felt myself weaken if only a little.

Not a day goes by that I don't hope I'll hear from him. Not a day goes by that I dread that I will. Seeing him re-opened the wound. Now I'm torn, do I listen to my friends or do I listen to my heart?

At work I'm distracted, I connect people to wrong area codes, wrong countries even. My supervisor takes me aside, "What's wrong with you, Dacy?" And I shake my head, "I don't know." But I'm lying, I know exactly what's wrong.

One night after work I can't stand to stay in my apartment. I change my clothes and go to a little cantina that's down the street. I don't want to get drunk, but I want to drink some margaritas, listen to Tejano, and dance.

I'm surrounded by friends at the cantina. They laugh at my attempts to speak Spanish and order me drinks I don't want and don't drink. I feel at ease, at home, it reminds me of being with my Latino relatives. When I leave at two they're trying to talk me into staying, but I wave and say goodnight and head to my apartment.

I've never had trouble walking here at night, except for that one time. I walk with confidence as if I'm daring someone to mess with me and I've never been bothered.

Lately, though, I seem to have lost that. I'm confused, lost, distracted, and can't seem to keep my mind focused on where I am. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to walk home alone, maybe I should have left with someone from the cantina. Maybe that's why it happened.

There were two of them and later on when I found out I would feel sad they were Hispanic. I heard footsteps but didn't pay any attention, not thinking they had anything to do with me. Suddenly, though, two men were standing in front of me, demanding my purse.

I should have, really, but I have taken self-defense classes, I work out, I run, I ride my bike, I surf, and I'm strong. It pissed me off that they were trying to rob me, never mind the fact that my purse only had fifty dollars in it, along with my driver's license and my address book. I keep my credit cards at home and only bring them when I want to use them.