The Boy from the Band

I Had the Dream Again

In the fall the Santa Anas came and they were the worst I'd ever seen. California burns from late spring to winter, the climate is dry and if the monsoons fail, the vegetation becomes dry like tinder.

I work in the Emergency Room and firefighters are brought in almost daily. Severe burns, smoke inhalation, were the most common but unfortunately, there were a few fatalities. There are few dry eyes during fire season in the ER.

It made me cry, it always makes me cry. And it's stressful, it's always busy, it never seems to let up. When you're lucky the injuries aren't severe but some have to be sent to the burn unit. Some of their lives will never be the same. Like mine.

I don't want to deal with the fires anymore. I went to Santa Anita for the races and you could see the fires burning in the hills above the track. When I lived in Washington the fires would burn in the forests in the eastern half of the state every summer, but it's nothing like here. I've never been so close.

I think of my time in New York and do not remember one fire. It's hot and humid in the summer but everything is green. I'd like to walk in cool woods and go swimming in a cold lake to cool off. I'd like to see a sky that is not orange and burning at night—but I won't find it here.

At the end of a particularly bad night, Rick calls. I'm in my back yard watching the flames in the hills and I answer: "I see your hair is burning, the hills are filled with fire, if they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar."

He laughs, "I heard about the fires, I wanted to see how you're doing. Are you in danger, will you have to evacuate?"

"I miss you too and no, the fires are far enough away that I'm safe. I'm surprised Santa Anita hasn't gone up in flames."

"Come back to New York, Dacy, no fires here."

"When I graduate, which is soon. As soon as the fires are gone, I'll put my house up for sale, no one will buy it now. I don't want to go through this again, ever, not unless I volunteer."

"I'm glad," he says, his voice solemn, "You need to be back here. I was driving through Greenville and I saw a house that would be perfect for you. Oh," he adds as an afterthought, "I'd like to be there for your graduation, but I don't know if I will. Soon as you're settled call my business manager and give him your new info, okay?"

He's assuming I'll really leave, and he's probably right. If I can get the job I want I'm staying, if not, I'm returning to the Catskills. What else can I do?

"Okay," I say to be agreeable, "I love you."

"Me too, gotta run," and he hangs up.

I look for him at my graduation ceremony, but of course, he's not there. He's doing dates with the band or on his own. Gina and Mac are there, along with their kids who stand up and cheer "Auntie Dacy". I'm touched, I didn't expect to be, but I am.

I didn't get the job at UCLA that I had been hoping for. I look around but somehow nothing seems to offer the same opportunities and salary, so I board my cats at the vet and jump on a plane, and head to New York. My heart's not in this, not at first, but the excitement starts to build, like it always does, as I rent a car and start the drive to Albany. I've forgotten how pretty this little highway is and the closer I get I start to get caught up in the magic of this area.

I have appointments for interviews at a few hospitals and I'm surprised to find out that Albany Memorial wants me. All they have open right now is a position in the ER but they promise me they will transfer me when the cardiac unit head nurse position opens—someone there is going to retire soon. They're even willing to give me some time to get my affairs in order in California.

I thank them, I take the job, even though I'm not sure this is what I want. Am I doing this for me or for Rick? It doesn't seem to matter for an eerie déjà vu seems to be working. I drive out and check out the little hamlets and find a house for sale in Greenville right in my price range. Things seem to be falling into place.

I drive out to Woodstock and sit by the Ashokan Reservoir. It's just starting to get dark and the fireflies are coming out. When I was a kid we used to visit my dad's family in Illinois and chase them, putting them in jars only to find them dead in the morning. But I can still remember the night sky full of the little creatures and I'm suddenly aware that coming back to New York is somehow feeling right.

I go to the realtor's the next day and she helps me fill out the papers for a loan. I've got plenty in the bank, I could probably buy it, but I'll wait. I write a check for the down payment and realize that I'm committing myself to this and I don't know if I feel ready. That's not quite true, I want to be closer to Rick.

Two months later my house is sold, my things are on the moving truck and the cats and I are driving across the country. Robbie disapproves, Bob disapproves, but this is my life. I want this, I've always wanted this, I think. I'm not running away, I'm running to.

And then...

I have the dream again. He's lying in his coffin and I beg and plead with him but he doesn't wake up. It's then that I know, that I really know, that I'm going to lose him. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm bereft, I'm lost.

I'm trying to get him to listen, but everything I say falls on deaf ears. It's like he doesn't care and I don't understand. I'm watching him commit suicide by inches and it's killing me.