Happier ~a kagehina fanfiction~

14 Days After

It was finally the day. The day when Kageyama could come home. 

It was a Saturday, so Hinata didn't have class and Akaashi had agreed to cover his shift in a heartbeat. He had the whole day to dedicate to Kageyama. 

He arrived at the hospital at 8 am, sharp. This time he had taken the car because he figured Kageyama probably didn't want to ride the bus. Hinata impatiently listened to the doctor about all the things he has to look out for and how Kageyama is still very fragile and a bunch of other stuff that Hinata already knew. One thing, though, stuck out to him.

"Medication?" Hinata asked. Kageyama hadn't mentioned that to him. 

"After several evaluations, we determined that going on medication might help him. He said he wanted to think about it, so it's not for sure yet. If he decides to go with it, you guys just need to give us a call and we'll send a prescription to your preferred pharmacy," the doctor said. 

"Okay." Maybe medication would help. This is a good thing, right? While Hinata was trying to process his thoughts, Kageyama stepped through the door into the lobby. And he had a smile on his face. 

"Tobio!" Even though Hinata had seen him just yesterday, now that they were leaving together it felt completely different. 

"Shoyo." Kageyama enveloped the smaller boy in a hug, holding him as close as possible. He almost couldn't believe it, he was going home. 

"Let's go home, okay?" Hinata said, looking up at his boyfriend. 

"Yeah."

On the car ride home, Hinata talked about what he had in mind for the day. 

"I figure, we go home. You can take a shower, change into some of your own clothes, and then we can go out to the lake, yeah? Then maybe we can go get dinner somewhere-"

"Shoyo?" Kageyama said tentatively. 

"Yeah?" Hinata said, sensing something wrong.

"I'm really tired. Is it okay if we just go home and relax? Like watch a movie or something? I'm sorry, I know we planned on going out..." Hinata cursed himself. He should have known that Kageyama would feel this way. He was already making Kageyama feel like he had to apologize for his feelings. 

"Yeah, that's totally okay, you don't need to apologize, I understand. Some other day, alright?" Hinata said with a smile. 

"Yeah, of course." Kageyama's eyes wandered to Hinata's arms, speckled with little crescent shaped cuts near the wrist. They were light, obviously fading, but still there. "What's wrong with your arm?" Kageyama reached out tentatively, but Hinata yanked his arm back. 

"Nothing, nothing. I just, when I get anxious I..." Hinata trailed off. He didn't know what to say. Immediately, Kageyama's lungs and throat filled with shame. 

"I'm sorry I've made things so hard for you," Kageyama said, biting back guilt. 

"You don't need to apologize," Hinata said in a voice so low it was almost a whisper. 

"But-"

"Please, Tobio," Hinata said, his voice threatening to crack. Kageyama just swallowed and resisted the urge to take Hinata's hand.  

Hinata turned on some music and they just sat in silence for the rest of the car ride. Hinata couldn't seem to relax. He was finally feeling the weight of what was really happening. How would Kageyama react when he got back to the apartment? Sure, everything was cleaned up, but would it still remind him of what happened? What would Hinata do if it did? Hinata had never been good at comforting people. He always tried the cheer-them-up approach, but there were definitely situations where that was not appropriate. This was one of those situations. 

"I noticed you were being more quiet than usual," Kageyama said as they pulled into the parking lot. "I'm sorry if I'm worrying you. I'll try not to." Hinata turned off the car, his limbs feeling heavier than before. 

"It's not that at all, Tobio. I'm just worried that I won't be there for you in the way that you need. I'd do anything for you, I hope you know that. And if I can't help you... then what am I even good for?"

The broken words hung in the air between them, their fears out in the open. Kageyama's fear of hurting Hinata and Hinata's fear of not being able to help the one person he loved most. 

"Can we promise each other one thing, Tobio? For however painful this journey may be for either of us, we will always stick by each other's sides and love each other? We will always do our best, and if that's not enough, that's okay. Just that we will always love each other and be there. Please?" It was a plea that Hinata needed to hear an agreement to. It was insurance that even if Hinata couldn't help, Kageyama would still love him. It was something he needed to hear, no matter what. 

"Yeah, okay. And another thing, we don't need to apologize to each other. As long as we both do our best, we shouldn't have anything to apologize for, right?"

"Right. What's in the past is in the past, too. We can't dwell on that." By this time, both of them were crying. Both so desperately wanted for this to work, they wanted everything to go back to normal. That wasn't too much to ask, right? 

"Okay." 

"Now let's get inside, alright?" They walked up to their apartment, hand in hand. Kageyama took a shower, and the whole time Hinata paced back and forth across their living room, wiping tears from his face that simply refused to cease. After he heard the shower turn off, Hinata frantically looked for something to do so it didn't look like he was purposefully waiting for Kageyama to come out of the shower. He started boiling some pasta. Pasta is good. Everyone likes pasta. 

Hinata was counting down the minutes from when the shower turned off to when Kageyama came out of the bathroom. Hinata's whole body was laced with tension. He reached up to grab some spices for the sauces when he realized just how much his hands were shaking. What was happening to him? 

He reached in the cabinet to get the measuring cup and dropped it, shattered glass flying everywhere. 

"Hinata?" Kageyama asked, his voice shaking. Hinata turned around slowly, a sense of dread filling his throat. 

And there Kageyama stood, covered in blood, his face sunken and pale as the white linoleum floor of the hospital. 

"I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself."

Hinata jerked out of his sleep, shaking and hyperventilating. His heart rate was through the roof and he was covered in a cold sweat. He sat up, barely in control of his own body. 

"Hinata?" a voice said groggily from beside him. It was Kageyama, his head slightly lifted off the pillow, his blue eyes wide and concerned. 

Hinata remembered. He had picked Kageyama up from the hospital. They'd had that talk in the car. And then they'd eaten mac and cheese and watched Howl's Moving Castle and then went to bed. It was the best day he'd had in a while. 

Seemed like his brain wanted to rewrite that. 

"I-I'm sorry, go back to sleep," Hinata said, trying to calm his breathing. Now that he could focus on what actually had happened that day, he was calming down a lot faster. 

"What happened?" Kageyama asked, more awake now.

"Nothing, just a nightmare." Hinata took in a full breath. "I'm fine."

"Hey, lie back down, okay?" Hinata shifted so he was facing Kageyama and buried his face in the taller boy's chest before Kageyama could see the tears streaming down Hinata's cheeks. "I love you, Shoyo."

Hinata just hugged Kageyama closer. 

How could he help Kageyama get better if he couldn't even control his own thoughts?