Looking Forward to the Future

February 14th

Thursday, February 13, 2020

I get a decision from University of Chicago tomorrow. This is it, the final count down to see if all my hard work amounted to something, is coming to an end. I know I shouldn't tie success with self-worth, but come on!! You know how many parties, dates, friend encounters I've missed over the years to get somewhere. Yeah, I worked around my schedule, and found ways to fit some of those things in while still maintaining a 4.0 GPA, but I could've slacked off, slept in, slept around, and I need to know avoiding those things got me somewhere in life.

I guess, I've earned the security of knowing I will go to college no matter what. I've been accepted into 3 private universities, so if my top two choices don't work out, then I have something to fall back on. However! I deserve more than that; I deserve to go somewhere that wasn't just a back up plan, but it was the goal—It was the dream. I've spent too long planning and fighting for my dreams to amount to a fall back plan.

Huuuuuuh, I'm done with my little rant. I just had to release some of that energy. Now, I'm just gonna write a few songs and stories. I have my first reader ever, begging for an update. I'm too happy!!!

Tomorrow is the last day I have to try in school. After tomorrow, I'm going to be a free woman gliding through the days. The glide will be a bit better, if I get accepted to UChicago. This waiting and anticipating is killing me. I go over in my head the rejection and I rather anticipate that, then think I'm going to get in and get all this fat disappointment slaps my face. This is going to be the best and worst valentines day ever. I'm just not ready to be rejected personally and professionally.

Onto the next subject, there's this guy I like, and I hate it. Have you ever liked someone and straight up don't know why? It's not their personality or their looks, but it's just the fact they're available and kind of flirting with you. This guy is bad at flirting too! I can't with him. He's also younger than me, which is the biggest con of liking him. I prefer older guys, but this guy is taller than me and acts mature for the most part, so he doesn't seem younger. He seems like a regular guy I could see myself with. BUT!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!!! Half of the time I talk to him, I feel like I'm trying too hard to get him to talk to me. It's obvious he has a tough time opening up, and those times when he does open up breeds hopefulness inside of me. It makes me think their could be something there, but there is NOTHING!!!

So, there's this girl I like, and I don't like talking about it because I know she doesn't like me. She talks to me, opens up at time, but ultimately, I know nothing will ever happen. She's this girl who knows the weird me, and sadly that's her main impression of me. She doesn't know the cool, laid-back, sarcastic version and I know she would like that version. Sadly, the day we met I was just weird, and 90% of the time I'm with her, i'm weird. I wonder if she got to see the more impressionable side of me, would it change her mind. We have slightly different sense of humors, but we find some of the same things funny, we definitely have the same music taste, not exact but we bop to the same kind of vibes. As much as I would love to ask her on a date or ask her to prom, she'd be weirded out by it.

I'm going through this phase right now, where every time I look in the mirror I feel ugly. My face doesn't just feel or look the same and I don't know what it is. It might be my hairstyle, or recent midlife crisis haircut, but I'm just struggling to find the beauty in my face. I hope that's normal and not the depression talking. I got new glasses so maybe I'm just not used to the new look. I've never felt so ugly and fat and gross before. I hope someone can relate. I'm ready to love myself again.