Looking Forward to the Future

Graduating 2023

It's so funny how I haven't been in here for over 2 years. 

I'm in my last semester, hopefully. I didn't end up transferring. I never mentioned that before but I wish I transferred to a different college. Georgia State is really not the vibe. I just didn't feel like going through the paperwork. 

I'm so struggling to get through this semester. I've calmed down since last year when I had a mental breakdown. This semester, I'm grieving. Grieving the person I wanted to be and settling for the person I'm about to be. I'm about to be a college educated woman with little to no achievements. I have 1 tiny scholarship to brag about, but other than that I've been off my game. Crazy how I used to want to go to these big schools that definitely would've burned me out. 

I'm thinking about a masters in communications. I need some time off. But the longer I wait the harder it will be for me to have a fresh recommendation. I need to make moves take actions in the roles I have and could shine in marketing. UGGGH. I know what I want to do, just don't have the will to do it. Where I can I get the will? I need to go on a walk. My gut is probably blocked and usually when my gut is blocked I have this problem. 

Seriosuly I could fix every issue I'm having my sleeping, cleaning my gut, and taking a relaxing walk. I just have trouble relaxing knowing so many things I have to do, but don't want to do will take time away from my hobbies. For example, I've neglected my internet life. I used to be pretty up-to-date on here, now I have no idea what is happening. 

I feel like starting a new account rather than picking up where I left off. I feel like that about my life. Just drop out of everything. Get the job, get started and give up the stupid college stuff. I never wanted to go to college. I used to think I was strong enough on my own without college, then I completely lost it. I love that I have memories on here, so many things I forgot I had written about. My feelings not lost to time or my loud ramblings when I'm in my room alone. 

I'm going to graduate and it would be better if I had less things to regret. Less grief to bear. I have an opportunity for my future. It just get clouded whenever I get sleeply like I am now. I want to sleep, but I also want write. I want to be a writer. Maybe creative writing degree would be better. I just need to post some of my short stories but I'm always worried about plagarism on here. 

That's the update. Maybe now my future is real, the past couple years I thought about ending it all, I stopped looking forward which why I am where I am.