Trixya One Shots

The Note

T.W.:this chapter talks about suicide. there is no graphic scenes and no description of death itself. read with caution

dear trixie,

it was you. that was it for me. i found you out of 7 billion other people and we fit together so perfectly. i didn't believe in soulmates until i met you. i saw you and everyone else was insignificant because all i had to do was text you and there you were. you were there with your bouncy blonde curls and your beaming smile. you would dance when you were happy with that same smile plastered on your face each time. that was my favorite thing to do: make you do your happy dance. i knew i would have a good day when i would see that happy dance. i knew everyday was good when i had you to talk to. you were mine to hold and love and support. i never knew how hard i could love someone until i met you. because you, trixie, were the most spectacular thing to ever happen to me.

i want to believe you loved me too because i don't think i could handle any other scenario. and then i think about how you left and i question everything. everything i did is thrown onto the table to be examined, critiqued , and deemed a reason. i think about how every time i would hug you, you would say "you're crushing my ribs, katya" and i would squeeze tighter. was that a reason why? was i too harsh on you? you just needed me to hug you softly and rub your back and i'm so sorry i couldn't do that for you. i regret every fucking day that i couldn't do that for you because you were the reason i wanted to breathe. i remember you would ask me to shower with you just because you wanted me to wash your hair. i think about how i would kiss your shoulders and tell you how beautiful you were. you would tell me to shut up and wash your hair. i wish i had just shut up and washed your hair now because i miss your soft hair all the time. i go to sleep in our bed every night wishing i could smell your lavender and eucalyptus shampoo. sometimes i swear i can feel your hand touch mine just as i'm drifting off to sleep.

why did you leave, trixie? you told me you loved me. we had the type of love people spend their whole lives trying to find. we would fight and then go out to buy each other's favorite candy just because no matter how mad we were at each other, we just wanted to make each other happy. i thought i made you happy. while you were here, i could've sworn we were happy. but you would rather die than be with me. trixie, was i that terrible to you? after i met you, i happily gave everything to you. you did your happy dance and your hair would bounce and your smile would shine and your cheeks would turn pink and you would smile so hard that your eyes looked closed. i just want to know where i went so wrong that you not only didn't want to be with me anymore, you wanted your ashes to be sitting on your mother's mantle. trixie, i don't think you ever understood how much you meant to me because i know you would hate to hurt anyone as bad as you hurt me. you wouldn't let me kill spiders in the house; you made me capture them and let them go outside because you were just that kind to everything. i'm sorry, baby, but after you were gone, i couldn't keep your plants alive. i wish i had. your little cactus, benji, sits on my bedside table now. i moved him out of the kitchen because i need to see him before i go to bed. he survived. i guess you watered him before you left. i don't know why you did that, but i'm so thankful for it because i couldn't get out of bed for weeks after you left. that little cactus was my only friend and i keep him alive in hopes of one day he'll grow into the shape of you.

sweetheart, it's been 2 months since you killed yourself and i still think about you as much as i did when your arms were wrapped around me. your funeral will forever be the day i remember as the last day of my life. that's when it hit me that you were really gone. i remember the night before you did it, you showered me with love. all you could say was "i love you." i remember i thought you were going to prepose because of how much affection you showed me. god, i fucking wish i made you my wife before you passed. but i was stupid. i remember you had to leave to visit your mother and i was so sad you wouldn't be home for a couple days. i teased you that i would have a massive party while you were gone. you made those big pouty eyes at me and i would laugh. love, i promise i didn't throw a party without you. sometimes i wonder if you would still be here if i didn't make those jokes. but you left for your mom's house and i went work that day. during my lunch break, i got a frantic call from your mom saying to get to the hospital because you accidentally took a combination of the wrong pills. it wasn't an accident though because we found your note.

was it your mom? did she say something? i knew she was homophobic and she made remarks about us together. was that it? your note said that we shouldn't blame each other and that it was your choice. i'll always blame your mother and your mother will always blame me though.

trixie, i haven't been sober in months. writing this letter will probably be the last time i'll ever be sober because i needed to write this to you. no amount of meth has been able to make me forget you. trixie, i see other girls and i can't help but compare them to you. none of them are even in the same ballpark as you. i get high on anything i can find and my high doesn't feel as good as kissing you felt. i haven't found another girl that has lips like yours. i have fucking tried. baby, you were my fucking soulmate and you have no idea what it's like going from kissing the love of your life to kissing some replacement bimbo that has more cocaine coursing through her veins than blood.

wherever you are, sunshine, i can't wait to be with you again someday. no matter how mad i am that you left the way you did, i would give anything to have you standing in front of me right now. i dream about you all the time and that's the only time i feel happy anymore. every time i dream about you, i write it down as soon as i wake up. i refuse to forget any detail. trixie...i just miss you so fucking much. there's no other way to describe how i feel. i feel like i see the world as if i'm colorblind now. i know how much you loved the color pink, but whenever i look at your side of the closet, it all looks gray.

i love you forever, trixie. no matter where you are now and no matter how high i get: i love you. i wish i could wash your hair and tell you that i love you. i will always love you, baby.

miss you dearly,
yekaterina z.

A / N : i didn't expect anyone to actually read any of the stuff i wrote 😳 also i have two other parts going off of this idea so i might publish those soon