// P e t r i c h o r // Matty Healy

[4]

Clementine calls me like she knows when the time I needed a friend.

"Hi, where are you?" I still sob while I'm about to answer her question. "Are you okay?" I'm crying as she asked about my condition. "You are in your dorm, right? I'll be there soon" I just said 'yeah' in sobs and hang up the phone.

I place my phone at the table, I lay myself down on the bed. I'm covering my body with the duvet, I make my pillows wet. After holding so many tears, anger, and hurt that I was feeling for months I feel so weak, I couldn't handle any pain again. Maybe I was never strong enough to forget him, all the memories start rushing back every time I listen to our song. I'm trying to forget him by looking for another boy, Rachel helped me with that. It always ended up like they will be forever my mistakes, Louis still there. I still see Louis in someone's eyes, my heart hurts so bad even tho I'm avoiding all the triggers that could make me remember about him.

After around a few minutes I'm still crying I heard someone's knock on my door. I know it must be Clementine so I stood up walking to the door to hug Clementine as I open the door for her.

She just hugs me and stroking my hair softly. She said multiple times everything will be okay, she said I could cry in her shoulders as long as I want. She's so caring even tho we just met for couple weeks. Not to compare what I had with Rachel over the past years, in fact, she's always been there since day one. I feel like I found Rachel in Clementine which is great cause I have two favorites girls now.

I pull out my body from our hug and wipe all the tears had left on my cheek. I'm feeling so pathetic but she comforts me with her warm smile. "Do you want to talk about it?" she sounds carefully when she asked me. "I'll talk about it later when I feel ready, is that okay?" she's nodding with a smile.

"I was about to ask you out, I mean go to the boys's party at their flat, if you are.."

"Okay, I don't mind, should we go now?" I answered in excitement cause that's probably the best way to escape from my sadness for a while. "Yeah sure" I take my bag ready to go as Clementine said it. I don't know what kind of party they have, I'm pretty sure there will be Matty there but I guess as long as he doesn't bother by my presence so do I.
———

"Hiiiii someone's must be lost" teased Ross as he met my eyes behind Clementine's shoulders. The other day when I was so pissed off because of Matty I never got a chance to say thanks or bye before I left. I quickly hug Ross and kindly smile at him. I see Clementine walks up to Adam and gives him a quick peck.

This is a quite big party I suppose I will get lost sometimes. I don't do a party a lot, it's just like Rachel's thing, not mine. I was wasted when I was in high school and it feels like hell I could still remember I keep vomiting like 4 hours in my bathroom. Rachel just laughed, sometimes she tied up my hair with her hand and help me a bit.

I'm looking for the couch to sit while I let Clementine having fun around with her boyfriend. Ross said he wants to go to his friends. Before I sit I stop at the table and grab a drink for me.

I'm looking around, I have no mutual here except I meet Matty's eyes who currently walks up to me. "I thought you're not coming" I'm surprised by the fact he's like waiting for my presence, "Clementine asked me so" I lift up the bottle of beer that I had and drink it up. "I'm sorry about the other day" he smiled at me and drink up his beer. "Yeah, no worries" I nodded firmly and planning to go from here.

"Are you mad?" he lifted up his brows while I take a deep breath facing him. "Kind of" I said, he comes closer "okay, never mind, enjoy the party" he left me again, now with his smile and give a quick toast to the lips of the bottle of our beers. Why he keeps acting like he just wants to get the top of my temper's line limit.

Now I really take a very deep breath and manage to stay quiet without feeling offended. He means nothing to be mad for, he's just a little dickhead who had worst days and trying to push people away. I genuinely feel sorry and pathetic for him at the same time.
———

All the people were gone, I have a little bit of anxiety to not cleaning up as long as I see all the rubbish in front of my head. I heard Ross and George in the back smoking also Clementine and Adam. I met some guys who talked to me while the party, they're also boys' friends. I'm not drinking too much, I keep myself sober because I won't be a burden to Clementine.

"Thank you for cleaning up" Ross stood up at the opposite of mine and help me. "It gets me anxious seeing all this rubbish, I couldn't help it" I shrugged and continue to clean it up with him.

"You're not a party person, are you?" he asking with his some sort of judgey face that I am assuming, I shook my head softly and giggled.

"No wonder" he shrugged his shoulders. "I will take it to the garbage outside" I give my trash bag to him and he walks outside carrying two big trash bags on his hands.

I made my way to the back to tell Clementine and the boys I'm ready to leave. "Sit down with us for a while" George said as he took a long drag after it. I see Matty looking at me who stood up doing nothing. "Come on" Clementine reaches my hand and forces me to have a moment with them.

Clementine sits beside Adam and lays her head on Adam's shoulders. George and Matty at the other side of mine laying with their back to the bean bag.

Clementine pass me a cigarette but I shook my head "thank you" she took it back to her and lit up the end of the cigarette. "You're not smoking?" Matty slightly chuckling "yeah, why?" I answered feel offended.

"Type of healthy college girl" he took a long drag with his mocking face towards me and the other. Like it's his business.

Ross back from the outside with a beer on his hand. "It's getting late, I should probably go" was I said and walk between Ross's legs "I could drive you home" Matty volunteered himself to give me a ride while a few seconds ago he was teasing me with his mocking face. "No thanks, Matt" I'm faking my smile and waved goodbye to the rest except for him. "It's Matty!" he called out from the back.

I walk faster to the front door wearing my boots ready to leave. "It's not good for you to come home this late alone" he followed me, saying those words with probably his fake worried voice. I was about to say something but I choose to walk away.

"Look, I'm sorry, I know I have no manners since I met you just like a few seconds before you left but I don't know how being nice to people" his words stopped my tracks and turn around to face him. "I'm genuinely fine without you giving me a ride, thanks" I'm the outside of the flat and this is freezing cold.

I never turn my face again since I said thanks to him and I don't hear any footsteps come closer, so I'm safe from him now. Not to mention he was like just about to doing something bad for me but I can't stand with his too many episodes, even I know I'm not capable of diagnosing him. I just couldn't get why does he act so many different in few seconds.