Caraphernelia {Frerard}

c h a p t e r t w e l v e

Caraphernelia

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Blink 182 - Always

f r a n k

I was sat on the floor beside the cabinet that our wall was on, my knees were dragged up so they were covering my face with my arms hugged tightly around my legs to keep me there, my chin resting on my knees to keep myself together. I sat there like that for ages and ages as I just stared at the complete and utter mess I had made of both my room and my life just in the last twenty four hours.

It was an uncomfortable position for me to continuously sit in for however long it was I had plotted up for but I honestly couldn't give a shit about who I was sitting. My comfort wasn't exactly my top priority right now, and I didn't really want to move around anymore. I had no energy, I was run down and tired. Just plain exhausted. My temper tantrum earlier had taken my energy, my lack of eating hadn't exactly been providing me with any excess energy so I was stuck with sitting here and staring off into space, my eyes fixated on one particular spot. That was until I brought myself back to reality, that is.

The next time I focus on the real world again, I see that it's now completely dark outside, the moon being the only that was giving of a source of light for me to see in my room. Not only had the background settling changed, but I also had another two people in the room with me, both staring at me cautiously, one of them looking around the room to evaluate just how much damage I had caused, what I had wrecked and surveying how long it would take to tidy up before looking right back at me with a disappointed shake of the head as if it was somehow all the fault that this had happened without him being able to stop me.

Mikey kneels down in front of me and awkwardly rests his hand on my knee in a halfhearted attempt to catch my attention from the sky outside that seemed to be a lot more intriguing to me and my dim brain than whatever it was that Mikey was going to bring up into conversation with me to lecture me about. Of course I didn't want to pay him any of my attention right now, he was my ex's brother and I've fucked them both, putting me in one hell of an awkward frame of mind.

Mikey notices that I wasn't really up for talking to him, that I was continuing to not pay attention to whatever he wanted to talk about on purpose and so he stands up straight again. I watch his movements from the corner of my eye, watching him turning his back to me and running his hands through his hair. He was looking like he was merely three steps away from pulling his hair out of his head right now and I could tell that from just looking at his back.

The boy Mikey was with caught my attention almost immediately when he bent down to sit in front of me, my brain registering it as Constantine and I smile at him. Constantine smiled back at me before looking at Mikey who had now turned back around to see how I was holding up, "Hey, Mikes? Stand outside for a minute whilst I have a chat with Frank, yeah?" Mikey looked between both his friend and I several times helplessly, obviously not exactly wanting to leave me here and let me out of his sight, this is the second time he had found me curled up in the corner of a room, somewhat unresponsive to him but he did want to let his friend talk to his friend.

A few moments of debate passed by before Mikey turns and heads out of the door, closing it behind him. For a few seconds it stayed quiet between me and Constantine before he turns back to face me with a forced smile, "You're tearing Mikey apart by doing this to yourself, y'know? He's trying, trying so hard to stop you from- from wrecking yourself, from tearing yourself into tiny pieces and you're here pitying yourself? Dude, grow the fuck up and stop being a pussy!"

I narrowed my eyes at him, starting to dislike him greatly, "For your fuckin' information," I hiss, moving my arms away from my face so my words would be a lot more effective than if they were muffled by my arms in front of my mouth, "His brother fucking dumped me earlier this week and I've had a hard time trying to cope without him being around. It went from not going two hours without talking to each other to living miles away from each other. Oh and to fucking top it all off, he was the human embodiment of a anti-depressant thank you very much."

Mikey bursts back into the room when he hears my voice rising in volume and a smile begins to grow on Constantine's face slowly, until it became a full blown grin. Mikey just stares at the two of us, wanting to know what had been said and why I had gotten so irate about whatever it was that was said but he just left it. He knew he wouldn't get an answer from either of us, he knew I would shut him out all over again and we would go back to how it was when he first walked into this room only a few minutes ago.

I know Mikey didn't want that to happen.

"I'm going to raid your fridge for something that is in date and edible." Constantine grins, patting my knee before pushing himself up off of the floor and walks out without letting Mikey or I say something otherwise.

Mikey watches as Constantine shuts the door behind himself and heads to the kitchen, both of us listening to the boy as he started to make conversation with himself or the cats out there, I wasn't sure. I hear Constantine chuckle on the other side of the door as he asks about how we survived in this place without having any food to live on. I smile slightly, but it starts to fade when I begin to realise that I could hear Constantine talking to himself. I could hear him. I could hear all of his slightest little movements and I could hear him talking to the cats and himself, I actually could hear him and every sound he made.

Well then that meant that Mikey had heard my every word, he had heard that I still lived for Gerard and that the need to live for Gerard was starting to diminish rapidly. Mikey knew how much of a dick I really was. I look over to see what he was thinking, how he was feeling but I got nothing from what I was looking out for, he seemed to continue staring right back at the bedroom door, trying to listen to Constantine, as his distraction more than anything. Mikey knew what I was like now, and he was going to start avoiding me because he knows for certain there wasn't a chance with me.

Well what did he really expect from me? I did tell him this was happening. I did tell him I still love Gerard a hell of a lot. I didn't skip out in the terms and conditions of sleeping with me. I had told him there wasn't going to be anything more going on between us. He knew I was completely infatuated with his older brother. Mikey had so painfully brought all of this onto himself and I felt like shit for actually letting it happen to him.

"When... When you didn't come back, I freaked out again. I knew something was was up, I knew something was wrong. I got scared." Mikey sighs and finally looks back at me to flash me a forced smile before he decides to continue, "But this time I left it longer. This time, I didn't have a warning signal, I didn't have Gerard to text me a heads up that he thought you were in danger. I only had a gut feeling and a guilty conscience."

"I'm so sorry." I whisper.

Where was Gerard to talk me out of this awkward situation and to get rid of all these people?