Story of a Heart

Chapter 26: Miss you

Claire's point of view
When I finally got Faye to let go of me, I led her into my room, us both sitting down on the bed together. I thought very carefully about what to ask and how to ask it, I didn't want to upset her any more – she was enough of a mess as it was.
I decided in the end the best approach was to get straight to the point, but softly. "What's up?" I asked her.
"I've been so stupid, like you don't even know Claire. You'd never understand." She replied.
"Let's try this, I'm sure we can get to a point where I vaguely understand."
"I pushed Lisa away, just because I don't want to be who I am." She covered her face and went back to crying into her hands.
"What do you mean you don't want to be who you are? You're an amazing human Faye, so don't even begin to think that you aren't." I replied, gently pulling her left hand away from her face, and taking it in my hand, brushing my thumb across the side of her hand.
"That's not quite what I mean. What I actually mean is that I'm like Lee, I'm in to both men and women and I hate myself for it because I can't be normal any more. It's not normal."
I didn't think to ask her on her opinion on Lee and H, I concluded that had a strong chance to make the situation worse. She was being slightly irrational as it was. "You can be normal. There is no 'normal'; everyone is different and that's what makes us normal Faye." Taking her left hand in mine, I put my spare arm around her. Changing the topic before we got too deep into philosophical debate, I asked "How did that mean you pushed Lisa away?"
"She's into me. Yes in that sense before you ask, and I hate myself for the fact that I'm attracted to her, also... in that... way. I just want to be her friend, but at the same time I love her and want to be with her for forever. Plus I can't understand myself because I want her in the same way, but I also want to be normal. And it's a mess..." She dissolved into a repetitive and tearful ramble at that point.
I looked at her, thinking about how that left me as the only straight person in Steps now, even if one of us was in denial about who she was. "You'll be fine. If she truly loves you she still will no matter you pushing her away." I told her, drawing on my own experience from trying to (and indeed not to) date different boys during senior school.
"I messed this up though Claire. I told her she didn't love me and that she was just trying to be like H before I kinda just stormed off. I told her I didn't like her and had no interest in being her girlfriend. But I know I do, and now I'm scared I never will be." She said. She wiped the tears from her face with the end of her jumper sleeves and sniffed loudly. "Sorry." She added afterwards.
"It's okay. You two'll be fine. You always are." I assured her.
"Hope so." She replied, a weak smile crossing her face. Lying her head against my shoulder she added "You don't mind do you?"
"Not at all." I replied as I picked up my book again.
Faye drifted off to sleep, her head still on my shoulder. I concluded I'd wake her when I finished my chapter.

When I did finish my chapter (although when I checked back the following morning it had definitely been at least 2), I concluded it'd be a waste of her precious sleeping time to wake Faye, so I shuffled carefully out of her way, put my blanket over her and curled up in the other side of bed. I watched her for a moment before I turned off the light. I hoped Lisa wouldn't be too worried about where her crush had gone considering that, for the first time, they weren't actually sharing hotel rooms. I supposed as I thought more about it, that maybe that was something to be glad about, else the rest of this tour may well have been incredibly awkward considering what Faye had explained of the situation to me. I turned off the light as I considered it, and quickly drifted off to sleep myself.

By the time I woke up the following morning Faye had gone, I could only presume she'd gone to find some clean clothes and take a shower. I then realised that this was Faye I was thinking about, and maybe I was being hopeful about her taking a shower. I sighed and hoped that yesterday's fight wouldn't affect Faye and Lisa too much, the last thing that we needed as a band was yet more fighting.