Being a Mother

Chapter 6: No time

N.B sorry, suffered a bit of writers block here, not really my faaaave chapter :) x

Fi should be back by now, I thought, whilst glancing at the clock. Nathan crawling around the living room. He sat up and shoved his fist inside his mouth. Why did he do that? Why do babies do that? I sat down on the sofa so he was beside my feet. He was very nearly one now. He was going to have his first little party, and I was very excited for him.

But also nervous because Fi wasn't home. Where was she? I don't have time for this, I chanted in my head. I picked up Nathan and headed out onto the drive, to see if I could see her. Oh thank God. There she was! Walking slowly down the road, towards our house. I called out to her. I'm not sure if I noticed right, but she seemed to slow down. There was blood dripping from her right knee; I immediately ran over to her and began asking if she was alright, what had happened, did it hurt, come inside and get a plaster, etc. She didn't say anything though, just looked down at her knee while I half carried her inside.

She didn't explain what happened. Instead of doing what I should have, and asking what had happened until she told me, I got annoyed by her sullen silence. After I cleaned her up, I immediately got back to my work. I had to do more and more of it because the bills were piling up - and without Daniel's money, we couldn't manage. I realised my life had been far to easy before. Now my job felt like work, instead of a hobby.

Nathan was whining at me. I got irritated and snapped at him, saying something about being busy. He looked at me, then burst into tears. I quickly snatched him up and soothed him, bouncing him on my lap. He quietened down and I gave his bottle.

Fi came down the stairs then, and ignored me. She went straight to the phone and took it upstairs. I rolled my eyes at her. She was only young! Barely five. She didn't need to be nattering away on that all night.

"Fi"

I looked down at Nathan.

"Fi."

He said his first word! He said his first word!

"Fi!" I said. I laughed, and he did too.

"What?" yelled Fi from the top of the stairs. I told her to come down, and she thudded down the stairs and into the living room.

"Fi," Nathan said. Fi grinned and picked him up.

"Say it again, Nathan. Say Fi again," she ordered. He obliged and Fi laughed, before spinning them both round in circles.

"Be careful," I warned. She rolled her eyes and mumbled to Nathan. I don't think he knew what she was saying, but he laughed. I went over to them, irritated, and took Nathan off Fi. She shot me a look, and ran back up the stairs.

All of a sudden, I was very annoyed. Why was Fi his first word? Why not Mama? Why not my name? I knelt down, then held Nathan out at arms length, and looked at him in the eyes. He gurgled.

"Say Mama," I said softly. "Go on, baby. Just say Mama for me," He looked away and began squirming. I clung on to him. "Say Mama for me," I pleaded. Then he wailed, and wriggled out of my arms onto the carpet. He crawled away.

***

I walked up stairs with Nathan on my hip, about to give him a bath. Then I heard voices coming from Fi's room. I leaned in closer, listening in. There was Fi's voice... and another... her friend's, Sadie's. I adjusted Nathan on my hip, and gave him the let's-be-very-quiet look. He seemed to understand - well, he put his fist in his mouth again.

I placed my head against the closed door, and strained my ears to listen. Fi was telling Sadie something, I couldn't hear properly - they were both very faint.

"I don't know what to do. What if they..." she got quieter towards the end, so I didn't catch the last bit.

Sadie said, "Well maybe I can go to your house..." - there was mumbling here, "they won't do it again?"

"But what if..." - she went quiet here, "and then I have to go home..." her voice was muffled here too, "so I can't go home..."

I had heard enough. I turned and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me and Nathan.

If Fi didn't want to tell me then she didn't think it was important enough. She knew to tell me when something was bothering her, so Ididn't go around chasing her when she didn't even want to tell me anything. Besides, I didn't have time.

***

I filled a bath to just the right temperature and but Nathan inside it. His rubber ducky as already floating inside it, and he grasped it and laughed. I stuck my tongue out at him and took the shampoo from the side. His hair was lush and thick... just like his father's. I pushed that thought away from me.

He looked up at me and beamed, and I beamed back. I put the conditioner in his hair and rinsed it out. For some reason he always loved this part. He leaned back and shut his eyes; he looked so relaxed, I just had to laugh. He opened his eyes and grinned at me. He let go of his ducky and reached up for me, fists clenching and unclenching. I laid him down in the towel next to me and wrapped him up in it. He cooed - like a pigeon -and I picked him up. He gazed up at me with those adoring eyes, and I gazed back down with my own filled with love.