ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

October 23rd

Dear Ice Prince Wen Junhui,

I figured I might as well check-in with you now because I've accepted the new, but worsening, state of my mental health. And to be clear, Ice Prince is my nickname for you now that you've dyed your hair frosty white. The color looks stunning on you and accentuates your features incredibly, hence why I've dubbed thee with the title of "Ice Prince."

Okay, okay, Junnie. I know you're probably rolling your eyes at that last sentence, given that I'm supposed to be covering some serious topics on this letter. And I'll get to those topics eventually, no matter how much I want to avoid dealing with my mind, but I just wanted to compliment you again on something, because the more I look at you, the more things I find to praise you about. Don't you dare blush at my cheesiness now, Jun, because you have to uphold your "Ice Prince" title that I've bestowed upon you (I hope you're laughing, or at least giggling at this now. I love making you smile, Junnie.)

I hate to switch up the mood, but I guess I should start addressing the topic of this letter now.

I'm having trouble figuring out where to start, but I guess I can say that the root of the increasing problems with my mental health is coming from my father. Lately, his verbal attacks have been far more frequent, and he's even been getting physical at times, which is absolutely terrifying to experience.

His 'girlfriend' dumped him (I don't blame her one bit), and because of that, he's been so depressed and fucked-up mentally, which of course means he's drinking all day. He quit his job as well, so all he's been doing is drinking, shouting at me, drinking some more, and then shouting at me and occasionally slapping me whenever I simply cross paths with him. By now, I'd be back at mom's house, but she's away for the week, meaning I have to stay with my father, which isn't good for either of us. He hates me, and I hate him.

But fuck, Junnie, I've been so scared at home that even school feels like literal heaven in comparison to the hell that is my father's home. I wish the school day would last longer so that I never had to come home. I wish I was a fucking adult and could run away from home, and maybe we could live together. That would be the best thing in the world. But of course, the world never has, and never will work like that.

I've basically locked myself in my room starting the second I get back home from school, terrified that he'll realize I'm home or accidentally cross paths with me, which happens often. But even when I'm in the semi-safe space that's my bedroom, every minute or so, I can hear him screaming, groaning, cursing, and throwing beer bottles against the wall, and I swear, it sounds like a gun being triggered, and fuck, Junnie, it's so scary. It's like a war is happening in the confines of my house.

I've gone basically paranoid, thinking that every creak of a floorboard is my father coming up to scream slurs and dehumanizing insults at me, like a lion growling at an aggressor, or even worse, beating me up. Luckily, I haven't garnered too many battle scars, just some bruises over my back, neck, and legs, and a few cuts and scratches on my arms, and right now, I'm just so thankful that I haven't sustained any terrible injuries.

But god, it's so damn hard to be able to even function or do anything in that house when I'm always hyper-aware of my surroundings, like a small mouse in a giant field of only my predators. I've been having so many panic and anxiety attacks, unlike anything I've ever experienced before.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in fear, and every time I manage to bob my head above the surface, a strong head pushes me down, causing me to choke on my own air around me.

Other times, I feel so close to death it's as if I can see an angel extending their hand to me, ready to pull me up to Heaven. I used to be terrified when that image appeared in my head, feeling as though my ribs were being crushed and my mind being torn apart, but now, I'm genuinely feeling as though I'd prefer the angel, or death, to experiencing this kind of panic, paranoia, and pain all seconds that I'm not by your side.

Even though school is the only space I feel safe (excluding a select few people, but that's the subject of another letter), I truly only feel safe when I'm near you. I know that may sound cheesy, but in all honesty, that's the truth. There's just something about your presence that makes me feel safe and wrapped in iron armor. You take my mind off my home life and my father, which would take over anyone's thoughts, and redirect all of my thoughts to you and my time with you.

Obviously, nothing will completely relieve my anxiety and depression, but when I'm with you, it almost feels as though I don't have either, and my mind doesn't feel as fucked up anymore. Honestly, I only feel truly alive and not plagued by the world when you're with me. I so badly want to tell you about how I'm feeling and all of my problems, but that almost seems selfish, and the last thing I want is that beautiful smile of yours to be washed off your face when you hear my real truth. I don't have anyone to turn to.

You're the only reason I'm holding on despite the struggle, Junhui, and even though I'm so close to doing it, I'm so afraid to let go.

From your best friend,

Jeon Wonwoo (The Emo Prince to your Ice Prince)

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