ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

May 30th

Dearest Junnie,

This is it. Every guttural instinct and reaction inside of me is screaming the end for me, and I finally, I'm giving in. I agree; I don't have anything to live for anymore, and instead, it's all replaced by cruel, torturous pain, so why do I choose to live any longer? You're here, and again, you're the only reason I'm hanging on, Jun, but I realized to myself, locked in my bedroom as to not let my drunken father in to abuse and violate me, that I'll be just as happy watching you up in Heaven, where I'll finally be at peace.

Yes, I know you'll be torn, but I and my problems have been a hindrance to you in so many ways, and now finally, you'll be able to live free of my burdens and simply hold a good memory of me tightly against your heart. This is for the best; I need peace within me, and by this point, I know the only way to achieve that and escape the twisted maze of pain and wrongdoing in my mind and body is to let go of my hand from yours. I've been spiraling too long, and it's just time for it all to end.

Everything has just built up so intensely for the past few months, like a powerful, destructive hurricane brewing up slowly over the ocean, swirling with gusting winds of insults, rain melting down my paper mache facade of strength, and lightning striking like the punches and slaps of my father and those bullies. For a while, I was able to escape the storm, moving with the calm utopia of the eye of the hurricane by your side, but the storm is more torrential and quicker than I am; it was going to hit me eventually. And when it did it, I was too weak to fight it off; a human can't fight off a gruesomely beautiful creation of nature, just like I can't fight the torrents in my mind. Yes, a storm does eventually pass, but it'll be too long until that happens, and I simply don't have the strength to endure this disaster any longer. The gloomy, depressing stream of rain is perpetual within me, and I can't simply deal with it any longer.

As I said, these last few months have been building up to this, wearing my wits down and beating up my physical shape. It's been a ruthless, unwavering cycle, alternating between my physical and mental woes and struggles, even intermingling on my worst days. The severity of my expansive selection of issues ranges from painful to excruciating, yet, there's never a moment I can catch a break when I'm away from your safe embrace.

I want to tell you everything, Junhui, but I physically can't find it inside me. As I tend to repeat, you deserve to know everything, which is why I'm immortalizing it in these letters, but I can't even manage to tell you something as simple as the fact that I'm gay.

Although, maybe it isn't that simple to come out to you when I can't even begin to cope with my own truth and reality. I was able to at one point, when I was a robust, confident boy, but telling my father was quite possibly the worst decision I've ever made, and now I know why I'm messed up, why I was created incorrectly. Yet, this sin and imperfection of mine is the rest of my life, and it led me to love you, which is the only light in my sea of darkness, the eye in my hurricane. Loving someone as beautifully as I love you simply can't be wrong when my heart constantly affirms it, but then I begin to backtrack; how trustworthy are my heart, my instincts, and my raw feelings? After all, they've lied to me so often; no wonder I can never work up to being able to be completely genuine with you. You know who I am better than anyone else on this planet, but there's still so much I'm blocking out from you. Nobody can know just how torn, misled, and pitiful I am.

I've been in a constant state of anxiety at school, escaping about every period to the bathroom to lock myself inside and try to survive these fits that come on so unexpectedly. Yet, they've been happening so often, as I feel my chest tightening, my breathing speeding up, and my vision blurs between this world and the next, that it's barely a surprise anymore.

I'm always expecting an ambush of panic; the only question is when the monster will decide to attack. I'm constantly in a state of worry and anxiety, whether it's rejecting the fact that I'll have to go home to an abusive father at the end of the day, to my ever-declining success in school as my mental state has deteriorated so exponentially, to the validity of my concern that a bully will be waiting around the corner to beat me to a pulp, bruising my already fragile frame. I'm in a constant state of paranoia, my eyes bugged out and scanning every single thing around me for those monsters; so much so that I've forgotten how to do everything else in my daily life. I have no routine, no comfort in repetition, no protection within my mind and outside of my body any longer, except you, Jun.

Though, the anxiety is only the cherry on top--the product of the shit I've been fighting through to get to this breaking point. If you already thought my father was cruel to me before, it's absolutely nothing compared to now, but even though the pain is almost desensitizing, blinding me, I feel like I deserve it now. I understand why I'm a "worthless faggot" to him; I've ruined everything in his life, and he's stuck with me, a worthless, discardable piece of trash.

His girlfriend, whom he incredibly managed to pick up after his divorce from Mom, finally came to her senses and left the man because his abuse was beginning to travel to her. She never deserved to feel a fraction of the mental and physical pain that I derived from him, which is why I'm relieved she was able to escape, but at the same time, I feel a sense of guilt. If I had just kept my twink-ass lips shut, realized that I can never tell anyone my secrets because I need to at least fool people that I'm a real man, then my father would never lay a finger on my mind and body, and subsequently, never lay one on her either. The only difference is, I deserve it for my mistakes, and she's made none.

His punishments have been growing worse as time flies by. They went from verbal attacks that I could at least shield myself from behind closed doors, to full-out assault that whipped, bruised, and tore every fiber within me to down to my core. He would throw glass bottles, the clear material breaking to shards and piercing into my skin, scream at me as if I was the devil itself, punch my gut with his knuckles drawn-in tightly, bruising every last inch of skin a nauseating green and deep violet, and would tear at my freshly-healed self-harm scars on my wrists and legs, reopening the delicate wounds as blood poured out relentlessly. He would do nothing, leaving me to fend for myself, and I narrowly escaped death. multiple times, as I dragged my limp body along the floor to the bathroom, every muscle inside me lit ablaze in searing pain as salty blood and tears coated me. My father was the only one who discovered my self-harm, but as expected, he only laughed psychotically, called me "faggot," and kicked me a little more.

I need peace, Junnie. I need to let what's left of my tarnished spirit out of this broken body. This is my time; I can hear my calling and truly see an angel reaching out to me, not in a hallucination any longer. You may think it's premature, but trust in me, Junnie. I simply need to let go and finally clean my soul, but I'll always be there. I've made my decision with certainty at this point, but I'm going to live one more day with you, Junnie. It's my last cry of glory, my last memories of this world, and I'm hoping them to be good.

Maybe I'm even more selfish than I thought, but if I'm going to end this pathetic, agonizing life of mine, I need to spend my last moments happy. I need to feel as if this is all for something, that when I hopefully rise to the Heavens, I'll know that the one I love more than life itself, more than all of the stars in the galaxy expanding upon infinity, is fulfilled, happy, and knows how indescribably much my love for him extends. That's always you, Junhui, and I'll spend every second up until the last gasp of air I take and beyond, loving you.

Your one and only,

Wonwoo

~~~

Thank you so much for reading this last chapter. There's only one chapter left in this book (yes, it's quite short),  so I hope you're looking forward to the tragic finale,  which should be out sometime this week, hopefully before or on New Year's Day.

If you did enjoy the angst and pain that is this story, please consider voting and definitely leave me a comment, because comments are 100% the most fulfilling part of writing on this platform to me, and I almost always respond. 

~Much love until next time<3~