ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

February 26th

Hey Junnie,

How are you doing, my moonlight? Again, if you are reading this, I must've passed away by now, and I know you won't be taking this well, as you and mom are practically the only people who love and care for me at this point. I'm sorry, Junnie, I really am, and I must've really contemplated going through with this, but just know that I'm most likely the happiest watching you up in Heaven, because life right now is shit. I know these letters may be worsening the pain, even if they are providing you with answers, which was a difficult trade-off for me to make, but please, for me, focus on your health, Jun.

Anyway, I'm sorry to be writing this letter, because it's no good news again, but I figured that it would be appropriate to archive this moment because I'm so scared, Junhui. Maybe I'll be able to hold on for a few more months, but there's this uneasy, almost knowing pain and grief settled in the pit of my stomach, pushing me to enjoy these future days as much as possible. It's almost as if it's the beginning of the end.

Believe me, Jun, I really want to fight these feelings, but I'm too weak, and it's so pathetic. My father, all of the bullies, and especially my brain have beaten me to a pulp, and I feel the ground to the floor, emotionally and physically bruised. Any small thing, from a flick to my head or a light insult does ten times the damage it should to my self-esteem and soul, and I'm so easily swayed and influenced by anyone's words, whether it's rational or not, because my brain is too broken to know the difference at this point.

I swear, Valentine's Day with you was the one star in the pitch black of the last few months, and I was so goddamn happy, it was hard for me to even believe what I was feeling with you. I'm always happy exclusively with you, Junnie, and you've probably realized that by now, but the joy I experienced with you just a couple of weeks ago gave me so much hope. It felt as if there was a possibility of life being longer for me and that I would be able to live it out by your side, whether as a friend or more, and it was almost a surreal experience, to be honest. It's just such a shame that everything collapsed just days after.

In all honesty, I don't quite know why my mentality and emotional state had such a sudden and deep decline, as everything has been somewhat normal for the last few weeks, or as normal as my fucked-up life usually is. My dad is still abusive and school is still shit with the pressure of the work and all of those pathetic bullies, but the magnitude of my mental crashes and breakdowns have been so much worse. I remember telling you how one of my panic attacks made me feel so close to death that it was as if I could see an angel reaching their hand out to me, beckoning to bring me up to the sky.

These last few breakdowns I've experienced have felt just as near-death, as I've felt my heart almost stopping, a lifeless, cold sweat running down my cheek, and my vision goes black, except now, I don't see that beautiful angel anymore. Though I simultaneously want to die and live, death is still a terrifying concept to me, but at least the beauty, ease, and safety of Heaven comforted me at my lowest points, but now I don't even picture that stunning angel lending their hand to me. All I see is fire and the feeling of it consuming me practically burns and sears my insides with fiery, stabbing pains, as I feel myself charring to a crisp. I'm not a religious person, but I feel like I've sinned, like I've done whatever godly figure that exists in the clouds wrong, and it makes me scared of dying because I never want to experience that again. But at the same time, I don't know if living is much better than this hell I'm envisioning during my breakdowns. I just have to pray that I'll be forgiven and I'll be able to live out eternity in Heaven.

I'm sorry again for having to tell you this, Junnie. Honestly, I regret writing these notes once they're placed in the box after I'm finished, but then again, if I'm gone, you deserve to have answers because I've hidden so much from you. It's my fault, and I would never want to hurt you simply because you're my entire world, but every time I try to heal my brain, recover, and just do better for you, I can't. I'm too broken, Jun, and you deserve someone better than me for a friend or partner, who cannot only love you as much as I do, but also can be your support and not be so broken inside. Even so, I feel so grateful every day that I'm somehow the one you decided on, and I promise, for as many more days that I live, I'll never take your friendship and love for granted.

Love from your best friend,

Wonwoo

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Thank you for reading this chapter, and so sorry that it almost took a month to update. Also, thank you for your patience, and updates will start to become more regular again, so I hope you're looking forward to that.

If you did enjoy the chapter, please consider voting and commenting your thoughts, as I would appreciate it very much. See you all next chapter!

And as a disclaimer going forward, I know we've had a couple tragedies of suicide in our K-pop community during the last month or so, so if you've been struggling with their deaths, please consider refraining from reading this book until you're more emotionally stable or feeling recovered from the grief, because I really want everyone to be safe and healthy, and I know this book tackles hard topics and very raw, painful emotions. Also, please know that there are so many resources out there if you are struggling with any mental and emotional issues or feelings, and always feel free to reach out to me as well.

Much love, as always<3