ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʏᴏᴜ ➻〚𝙬𝙤𝙣𝙝𝙪𝙞 〛

March 15th

Dear Junnie,

All my life, the people around me, magazines, and TV would always talk about the wonders of being in love, and for the longest time, I never bought into it. Who could really blame me, though? I lost my faith in just about everything good once my father practically kicked me to the curb and told me he didn't love me simply because of one small aspect of my identity. I became an antisocial emo kid from that point on; I never thought that anyone would love me, let alone that I would have the capacity to love in the first place.

Then, you came along, Jun. I know you were expecting me to say that, and I'm saying that for good reason. You taught me how to love again, which is something I never thought would have been possible after all the shit that I had dealt with. Junnie, you led me through some of the worst years of my life, giving me companionship, teaching me your ways of positivity, teaching me to love simply by being yourself, and finally, you always give me something to look forward to in life.

Before you, my life was a stagnant cesspool of overwhelming depression, covering me like a blanket of suffocating algae blooms, and even though I still struggle with these same things, whenever I'm with you, I don't feel that way. It's like I'm able to escape my psychotic mind for a few hours and I'm able to be a normal person again, like a clear river full of flowing, crystalline water. You bring out the true Jeon Wonwoo, not the one whose mind has been clouded with unthinkably horrid thoughts, yet you continue to love and appreciate every flaw that makes me who I am, unlike anyone else I know. To you, my flaws are beautiful, and you're the only one who sees it that way, and it validates me in some small sense. And my god, I'm so in love with you.

I can't spend a moment away from you without your beautiful smile, and peppy, energetic voice ending up in my head. You're so beautiful, inside and out, and to me, you embody perfection; the perfection that I'm too cowardly to pursue and ask to be mine. Yet, even in my worst moments, when I'm gasping for air, feeling as if my panic attacks will kill me in second, my mind always comes back to you, praying that you're okay and that you will be okay once I'm gone. Everything comes back to you, and as I've said, you're the only reason I'm hanging on.

Though I didn't have a specific reason for writing this letter, whenever you're reading these notes for the first time, I didn't want to make you think even in the slightest that not being your one is the reason I took my life. I could never be mad at you, put fault on you, or blame you for anything. It's all in my mind, and it's my fault that I haven't put myself out there, and confessed my love for you because of my cowardness, and now I have to live with the consequences of my hesitation and fear.

Either way, your presence in my life is the only reason I keep living and waking up the next morning; it's all for you, Junhui. If there's one thing I'd like you to take from these letters, it's that I love you more than anything in this universe, and I hope you remember that even once I've passed. I know you may be feeling sad, angry, distressed, and a multitude of other feelings towards me, and you deserve to because I know I mean just as much to you as you mean to me, which is infinite. But after the grief passes and you begin to cope with my passing (whenever that is), I hope you realize that my love for you is why I held on, but even once I'm gone, I'll continue to love you for eternity, because love never disappears. Even through the sadness you're experiencing, I'll continue to love you, no matter what you're feeling towards me.

Also, if anything, I wanted this note to be a break. To remind you that even though you're most likely in a state of deep grieving, that I never stopped loving you and that I never held any remorse towards you. I hold remorse towards the world, my bullies, and my father, but never you; you would never be a factor in the reasons why I took my life.

Right now, as I'm writing this letter, I'm picturing you, imagining that I'm holding you in my arms, my arms wrapped around your strong, but lean body, holding the soft curve of your waist between my index finger and thumb, breathing in your warm vanilla scent as I tuck my head into your soft sweater. I can see your pretty face, from your smooth tan skin to your full cheeks and pink blush, your fluffy, coffee-colored hair, and your cute cat-like eyes. You're so beautiful, inside and out, and those moments, when we're wrapped in each other's arms are the most meaningful to me; I'm just so immersed in you, and you strip away all of my insecurities, anxieties, and depression whenever I'm with you, and I can truly be myself without any worries. My love for you is endless, Junnie, and you've given me all the best moments in my life.

And just know that whenever you're reading this, I'll be watching you up from the sky, so hopefully, you take comfort in that. We'll never be too far apart, and whenever you're feeling down or upset, I hope you remember that I'll be there for support and you remember how damn much we love each other. We'll be reunited at some point, and until that happens, Jun, I'll continue to love you and cherish you even more than I did before.

Your sweetheart and best friend,

Wonu

~

Thank you for reading this chapter! I hope you've been enjoying this book, and if you have, I would greatly appreciate it if you voted on it and especially, if you leave comments, as that is the most rewarding part of writing, to me.

We probably have about 5 chapters left until the book is done, so hopefully, you're looking forward to that, and I'll see you next chapter!

Much love, as always <3