andromeda // matty healy au

Between the Bars

Matty left in a flash, I couldn't keep up with him.  He rushed to vacate my flat as I moved in slow motion.  Fumbling behind him, I heard myself calling his name.  I so desperately begged for him to stay so I could explain myself.  He slammed my front door and filled my living room with a deafening boom.  My apartment was emptier than it had ever been before.  I crumbled under my own weight and sat beside the coffee table.

He was gone.

It was like I opened the door for him myself.  All because of my stupid tattoo.

A familiar lump began to rise in my throat.  Was I about to be sick?  I couldn't tell.

I sat on the floor until I realized that I was indeed about to be sick.  I sprinted to my toilet before it was too late and expelled my stomach of it's contents.  I kept coughing, spitting, gagging until my mouth felt like  it was on fire from the bile.  Flushing the toilet, I stood up and looked in my bathroom mirror.  My dress barely hung to my sweaty body.  A frown appeared on my teary-eyed face.

He was gone.

I lifted my skirt to see what Matty had seen.  The lump returned when I saw my flower tattoo peeking through the top and bottom of the waistband of my panties.  My trembling lips opened one more time as I coughed into the toilet bowl once more.  

He was gone.

And he knewb my secret.

It was all my fault.

I emerged from the bathroom and noticed a white slip on the rug by my front door.  It looked like a napkin and as I went to pick it up, I saw that something was written on it.  Carefully, I made my way over to it and picked it up by a corner.  My suspicions were correct; I picked up the paper napkin with Matty's scribbly penmanship.  He wrote out a short poem.  He had so many thoughts swirling in his head, nearly every line was re-written or scratched out.

According to your heart,
My place is not deliberate
Feeling of your arms
I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me?
I think I'm falling for you

 My heart had sunk through floorboards.  On the flipside of the napkin, he had written other phrases. "what time you coming out? we started losing light never seem to get it right..."  and "I read between the lines and touched your leg again" were partially crossed out and then re-written, darker in some places.  I pictured Matty writing this during a lull in service at work and using whatever he could find to use during his spark of inspiration.  Or waiting for George in a coffee shop and letting his mind wander to the softer part of his mind.  

He poured his thoughts on to this napkin and left it behind, in the house of the girl that lied to him.  I was guilty of being so selfish that I wasn't able to come clean because it might have been 'awkward'.  I gripped the edge of the napkin with every ounce of strength.  My feet pushed me forward and out of my front door.

Did I open it?

Yes, of course I must have, even though my eyes were glued to the black ink on the napkin.

Did I close it?

I didn't care and I didn't look back.  I almost knocked on Matty's front door when I heard something.  My hand was poised, ready for impact, but the gentle sounds of sobbing  made me stop in my tracks.  I assumed he was on the phone because I heard him speak through his tears.

"Hey, are you at home?  I wanna come over."

His voice was desperate and close to the door.  He hadn't moved very far into his flat when he left mine.  I gently tapped on his door.  He sniffed but I heard no movement from the other side.

"Matty, I'm sorry,"  I called, "I know you're there.  You, uh, left something at my place"

After half a minute of silence, I spoke through the door again.

"I'll just leave it here."  I placed the lyrics on his doormat.

And with that, I backed away from it.  I took some small steps back and waited.  I still don't know what I was waiting for; but for a few moments, I waited.

Then I gave up, and retired back to my place.