Soldier of Love

Round Two of the Pain: 2.1

I was cold.

I shivered.

My eyes flickered black and pain filled my body as I continued my walk home from Central Park. I held onto my stomach, grasping it for support and dear life.

Today was just not my day.

Everyone around me stared, probably noticing the pain that I was enduring. No, they hadn't witnessed what had just happened but they knew something was wrong. It was written all over my face.

All eyes were on me and I felt uncomfortable. It’s like walking into a room and knowing everyone in there was talking about you. They form little circles and whisper, excluding you. That’s exactly what I’m feeling right now.

I can only describe what just happened in one main word. One main word that needs two other words to make it a sentence. One main word, three words total, one sentence that can change someone’s life forever.

The disgust that I feel deep down was real. How could someone, not those in the par, standby and laugh at the one main word? How could they not help? I assume that they were in on it but how could they ignore the cries and please of stop? Why would they be entertained?

I don’t understand.

I shoved my hands into my hoodie and finished my walk through Central Park. By it being late September 2010, the air was brisk and everyone was preparing for Halloween, including the magazine I work for. We were releasing a Halloween edition on the 5th and everything was busy. But I had a day off.

I'd been working with the company, Vogue by Essence, for a year and some months now, Savannah and I both, actually. We even made some friends up there. They are Dominicans twins named Abril and Abilene. Let me tell you, they are feisty and will tell you off in Spanish in a heartbeat.

Jacob on the other hand works as an editor with a publishing company. On the side, he hosts dance classes at local studios. He made a friend named Myles who everyone used to call “Niggatar.” He’s around a lot and I must say, we're doing pretty well for ourselves at the young age of 23.

Speaking of Jacob, I felt the need to call him even though I knew he wasn't going to answer. Its 6:30 and a Sunday therefore he’s teaching a teen hip hop class right now. But I called anyway. I wanted to hear his voicemail. I needed to hear the sound of his voice. I hoped it would sooth me.

“What’s up, you’ve reached Jay. Couldn’t make it to the same, so leave a message.”

After the voicemail was over, I left a message: "Hey babe, I know you're dancing right now but I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way home and I need you to come home as soon as possible because I miss you"

That was somewhat the truth. I did need him to come home and I did miss him but more so, I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him with me tell me everything would be okay.

I hung up the phone and slid it back into my pocket. From the time I'd left my house to now, I had a whole new viewpoint on life.

I was hurt.

I was disgusted.

The life growing inside of my life was probably affected now.

I literally crawled up the stairs and into my house. I unlocked the door and slid down it the minutes I was inside it. By then, the tears were real. I cried and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I'd even curled up into a ball right in front of the door.