I am ME [ftm transgender boyxboy]

[15] The War Against Ourselves

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated, I've been having some personal issues and I'm in the process of moving to Germany. 

But hopefully you guys won't hate me anymore after this ~(._.)~

YEs it is sappy and emotional, I'm sorry. God I have to watch a slasher film after every one of these. Anyone want to join me~? There will be boob jokes, candy, and popcorn. AnD CUDDLes!! 

now

read

ily

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[LONNIE’S POV]

 

It had been hours since I last saw Preston, and I was freaking out. We had exhausted ourselves looking all last night, even to the point where Jesse started sobbing. I admit, I felt defeated. It was all my fault. I had gotten him to trust me, and then I crushed it in one moment of massive stupidity.

I groaned, rolling around in my bed as I tried to wake myself up.

We came back early this morning at three a.m, and we all practically fainted the moment we stumbled through the door. Jesse just seemed to hate me more and more as the night wore on, and I have to say, I was following him in that respect.

He even got so frantic, that he showed up at his parent’s house and begged them to help. They slammed the door in his tear streaked face. Before the door shut I saw guilt in his mother’s face, and I hoped she would come help. But apparently her love for her children wasn’t strong enough.

The door to my room opened and Jesse stepped in, disgust in his silver eyes that were so like Preston's, it made my heart ache at the broken edges. 

“Get up,” he demanded, “we need to keep looking. I’m not giving up, and you’re helping because your selfishness caused all of this.”

And with that, he stormed out of the room, leaving me alone with my own festering sense of self hatred.

I stood slowly, every inch of my body feeling achy from the exertion of the previous day. Stumbling into the bathroom, I raked a hand through my hair and glanced at my reflection.

My brown and caramel hair was a mess, tangled around my tired face. The skin of my face was ghostly pale and weary. I had purple bags under my brown eyes, which were bloodshot from lack of sleep and an insane amount of tears.

My feet carried me to the shower, the rest of my body incredibly numb as I peeled the clothing off my skin. The wicked pain of dysphoria barely registered with me due to the fact that it just blended in with the agony of guilt that washed over me in waves and lapped at the edges of my ragged heart.

My teeth clenched and I hissed through my teeth when the icy cold water splashed across my shoulders. I just dealt with it, figuring it was well deserved.

I stepped out of the shower, my feet padding across the floor, my hair dripping on the tile. Toweling myself dry, I gathered my clothes and tugged on the grunged up gray jeans, my binder, and an oversized black sweater. Lastly, I slipped on a pair of gray ankle socks and red vans.

Jesse ushered Mason and I out the door and into the car.

We drove without aim around the town, the atmosphere steadily becoming more dismal.

“Oh!” I cried, suddenly struck with a thought.

It was around one p.m at this point, and we were all miserable.