Dream On Fire

(51) Party while being a ghost... just there...

You know, I always try to put some priorities before wanting to do something for myself such as this case. I would want to bother my own brain with thoughts when the party comes close to date but then I think: it's not fair for the one giving the party that actually invited me!

Let me explain:

This Wednesday a friend gave me an invitation to her birthday. She is one year older by the way. And she is going to make a crazy BIG party which I don't mind since I really like to party with friends the only problem is that... most of her generation or better yet all her generation is invited to the party meaning that you, my crush, will most surely be there.

Now even though I think of it as something good and exciting I honestly don't want to hope myself up. Maybe he won't even notice me. Most probably he won't take me out to dance. And most importantly it's my friends birthday so I can't let something like a crush get into her party being more than great!

You know... even though I say this and try to convince myself that I am able to just party and not think of him I still... I still do... not intentionally but I do. I constantly think of being in a dress he might like, I think of him asking me to dance any type of song no matter which one it is, or I can also imagine him... dancing with a girl... being in love with someone... feeling broken right then and there...

I hate that last feeling... not because of the reasoning of: he doesn't like me blah blah blah... but more because I actually think of it quite constantly and uncontrollably... and I hate it, why can't I just feel happy about it? I guess... those are just hopes and dreams.

Since little I've come to realize that everything that I daydream never becomes real so... I hope for it to continue that way... even if it means that I'll never dance or talk with him... wait...

Is this... jealousy?
I so then... I apologize for being a jealous person... I guess love can do crazy things to crazy people...