scavenger.

28 - the banquet (3)

What the hell am I doing?

Jace blearily ran his hands down his face. Another wave of sobriety had hit him, but he could already feel it melting away.

They were in the garden where he and Bheema would play as kids.

He could almost see his little shadow behind the bushes.

Anri was right. He was drunk. He was plastered. His blood was coarsing with the last of his dead brother's alcohol, and it was all going straight to his dick. That was why he was acting like this. Saying all these things.

He'd forget this in the morning. Would she? Stars, would she? Or would she always look at him the way she'd done just now—angry, shocked, scared?

No going back now.

He loved her. Tomorrow he could deny it all he wanted, but he knew the truth. He loved her to pieces. He wanted to be beside her forever, he wanted to help all her dreams come true, the way they'd been on Jakku. He'd begun to think—he'd never admit it back then, nor allow it, but he'd felt like—he'd rather stay there, with her, forever. Before the imperials came and...

Maybe it would always be like this. Maybe the best move would be to distance himself, the way she was distancing herself. Maybe she'd already realized he would only bring her danger. She was smarter than him, that was certain. She was so brilliant...

On Jakku she was so lively. On Jakku she was always humming, talking, laughing, scolding. Now she was sitting next to him, no words, no movement. He remembered she hated silence. She hated loudness, and she hated silence. Now they'd had both.

He should've let her leave. He should've just told her to go to on to Corellia. He should've just—

"Jace," she said softly.

He couldn't look at her. How could he? She was right to reject him. She was right to leave.

"Jace, look at me."

He had no right. He was a dumbass. He was ten dumbasses. He was an idiot moron goddamn stupid bastard. He was—

Suddenly he felt cool hands on his face, suddenly his forehead was against hers. She'd grabbed him and forced him to look at her, locking her eyes on his. They were so green it hurt. Even in this dark moonlit place they were dazzling. She looked exactly like she belonged here, home. She matched the trees and the grass and the leaves.

"I'm allowed this, aren't I?" she asked him quietly.

Jace breathed, "Everything."

"Just for now, I can have this, can't I?" She was shaking.

"Forever." He wasn't entirely sure what she was saying, or what he was replying. Only that he meant it. He did.

"What can I do, captain?" She was tearing up. For someone who hated crying so much..."I'm not used to this at all. No one's ever..."

Stars, she was breaking his heart...

"You don't have to do anything, Anri," he said. "All you have to do is know." His voice cracked on the last word. He would've been embarrassed, before.

Anri pulled away and looked at him. The most beautiful goddamn creature he'd ever seen. He swore she was glowing. "Jace," she said, sounding a little dazed, "I want to do something stupid."

He tensed. "Define stupid."

"I mean I want to make possibly the biggest mistake of my life."

He almost panicked. "What are you—"

"Will you let me? Can I?"

"Anri, I don't—"

She kissed him.

She kissed him.

Jace's eyes widened, then closed.

He pulled her closer.

He pulled her as close as she could possibly get and it wasn't even enough.

She was freezing. The idiot, she shouldn't've taken off the coat! His mind was racing. Every detail was tattooing itself in his brain. She was here. She was here. She was...

Anri pulled away and looked at him again. Slightly breathless. "Jace, I—"

No, shut up. He grabbed her face and kissed her again. It was all he ever wanted to do.

They'd been like this once. On Yavin, when she'd freaked out, she'd kissed him. But she wasn't kissing him. She'd mistaken him...but now here she was. Now here they were. Things can always be this way. Could they? Was he allowed?

No, he wasn't.

No, she was leaving him.

He was asking too much already.

Jace pulled away. But it was too late. Everything was changed. He'd glued part of himself to her now, and he'd forever have a piece missing.

Anri let out a somewhat shaky laugh. "So that's what that's like."

She deserved someone better. Someone nobler. Someone with less blood on his hands, with no rebel (or imperial, for that matter) ties, someone who could travel with her and show her the galaxy—but only the good parts. Someone who could shield her from the bad parts. He couldn't do any of that. He was a goddamn soldier. He thrived in the bad parts. His job was the bad parts.

Jace never had felt so suffocated. He'd always felt like he had a choice in everything. With such a high ranking at such a young age, earned with his own skills—stupidly, he'd always felt invincible. But that was before Bheema's death, before Anri's smile.

"Say something," Anri pleaded quietly. Her smile had gone, and she looked a little nervous. He'd never seen her nervous before. If she'd ever been, she'd hidden it well.

She was nervous because of him? He opened his mouth and closed it. He opened it again.

"I really love you," was all he could find to say. It was the only thing he could mean. He couldn't push her away. He couldn't ever.

Anri smiled. She touched his hair. "I can't say that back to you right now," she said, "because I'm so fucked up. You're so perfect, and I'm damaged goods."

Jace shook his head. "You've got that backwards—"

"You don't have to wait while I fix myself. If you find someone else, I won't mind." She looked away as she said it. "Someone better, I won't mind."

...so she was thinking the same things as him.

Against his own melancholy, he laughed.

Anri snapped to look at him, her indignation returning. "You'll laugh at me?"

"No," he grinned, "it's only—I was scared of that too. Not deserving you."

Anri pursed her lips and looked away. He could see her dimple. "You know," she said, "we can't both be perfect. Maybe you're just too stubborn to see my flaws."

"And you're not?"

She looped her arm around his, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Well—maybe I am. Maybe it really isn't a matter of who deserves who."

Jace realized again how cold she was. Quickly he tore himself away and grabbed his coat off the ground, wrapping her in it again, before pulling her back to him, her head tucked under his chin. He could feel her smiling.

"Perfect," she said softly. "Let's stay like this for a little while. I'm exhausted, captain..."

"You can sleep for a moment, if you want to," he said. "I'll keep watch. If you miss anything, I'll let you know."

Anri laughed, wiping her eyes. "Only for a moment, then. Wake me up soon, okay?"

Jace nodded. "Okay."

He didn't.