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The Connor Chronicles VI: Summer's End/Epilogue (2016)

Even when we didn't see each other in person, we'd make sure to Skype, call, text, Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook message each other regularly. Basically, we'd find a way to talk to each other and make each other smile.

So, even after a couple days after the "hike", we still called and Skyped. It was only a couple weeks before senior year of high school began, and both of us shared our stress and worry. What would become of our futures? What would become of us? I pondered that often, and I'm sure she did, too. To distract each other from the future, we kept hyping up the upcoming movie, Suicide Squad. She was a huge Harley Quinn fan, second to The Walking Dead's Negan. I chose to respect her opinions and viewpoints, even when I kept asking myself why does she love dressing up like a murderous sociopath from a zombie TV show and comic book?

I made plans with Connor and Kathryn to go see the film as soon as it came out. It was right at the end of summer, which would make a great final bang to such a great summer.

Although I feared senior year and college, I chose to take my life day by day by day. I wanted to cherish every moment spent with Connor, with Kathryn, and with my family. My days living at home were numbered. Time was beginning to run out.

One day, a couple days before the movie trip, Connor and I are having a conversation. She's expressing how uncertain she is and where she's gonna go. I agree, even with my heart set on the University of the Arts in Philadelphia. She knew that was my plan, but I tried my best not to make it apparent. I didn't want her to think about that. She was telling me about how awkward it was to look around for a degree that looks good for her dream career. I was really curious, and wondered why it took me so long to find out what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She told me she wanted to be a mortician.

I thought of so many questions, but refused to ask them. I wasn't going to judge her about her career path and her goals, but Jesus Christ, man. I was not expecting that answer in a thousand years.

So, I'm going on about how excited I was to be able to spend such a tricky and scary year with her, when she poses THE question.

"How long do you think this'll go on?"

I didn't want to, but I knew exactly what she was talking about. I was her summer fling, and now that summer is about to end, so would our "relationship". All the hand-holding, all the little giggles I'd get out of her, all the hugs, all the joy and stress she brought me would be gone. Every waking second I'd spend to try and impress her or bring her joy. Futile. Pointless. I fought so hard to give her comfort, peace, and happiness, and she was bored.

Yet, with the sinking feeling I got, I still fought and fought and fought.

I told her how I took life one day at a time. I told her that with as much going on, we needed to enjoy life one day at a time. She disagreed. She couldn't put her future and her aspirations aside for one day, or one week. She made her decision before contacting me that day, and even though I knew it, I. Still. Fought. For. Her.

Eventually, I told her bye. It was eleven at night, and I needed to sleep (well, cry, actually. I got shot in the heart, and I was bleeding. I wanted to bleed out by myself). It was the hardest thing to do, telling someone goodbye, especially when you don't want them to leave. I think what hurts most in relationships is knowing that no matter how many sweet things you tell them, they still get bored of you. I think that hurts me most.

Connor calls me at 4am, sobbing. Of course, I pick up, because I had been doing the same thing. She apologizes, but she didn't mean it - she still left me. We talked on the phone, and she went on about how crazy her schedule would be. She explained that we wouldn't have time to hang and that it wouldn't be worth it. Another fatal hit to me, because I knew that any second I could spend with her was most definitely "worth it", and to know that if we weren't hugging or touching or kicking Sprite cans that it wouldn't be worth it for her. She was bored.

I wish she didn't call me. I wish she didn't come to prom. All of sudden, I'm rubbing an invisible lamp, hoping that Connor is erased from my memory. My summer was such a blast with her, but soon, it would be gone, and succumbed down to a memory. I didn't want to remember Connor, I just wanted to be with her. I didn't want this to be an era, a season, and just another story to write. I wanted a relationship, but she wanted a fling.

The most painful thought that night was that I'd have to face her again when we would go see Suicide Squad.

So there I am, feeling sorry for myself, sobbing, reminiscing about the hike, about the play dates, about the taco lecture, about the prom, and about dancing with her during hide-and-seek. I should've kissed her, I thought. I should've held her closer when I had the chance. Game over.

I quickly became desperate. More desperate than I have ever been before. I was determined to win her back, and Judgement Day was that one final (almost) date.

We meet up, and boy, is it awkward. Kathryn found out about our recent "split", which did not surprise me. I didn't utter a word about it to anyone. I didn't want to repeat it and feel all those heartbreaking feelings again. Connor had been talking about me, apparently, and I feared what she had to say about me. I told myself that ignorance is bliss, and kept my good friend Kathryn out of my own problems. She didn't deserve to be in the middle of it. I have been in that position one too many times that I'd feel immensely guilty upon doing that to someone else.

We eat some Hardee's first, and there were so many lulls in the conversation between us three. A couple months ago, we'd be dancing and laughing and making inside jokes on the fly, but now, it was different. I was looking at a stranger, and I didn't want to. The whole time, I'm thinking of the perfect idea to win her back, or if I crash and burn, if I can find myself some closure. I pitched a movie idea, and Kathryn did the same, but as soon as we talked about it, I knew for sure that both ideas would never be shot and produced. Not in our situation.

After we ate, we left the joint for the movie. I check and see if we have enough time. I had my idea. I ask Kathryn to wait for a second, and as Connor climbs in the driver's seat, I hurry in the passenger's. After she asked "what're you doing?" I asked her the question of all questions. I went full desperate.

I asked if she could kiss me.

Yes, I asked her.

I explained that I needed closure, and that I wanted to feel something from her one last time, and that would be the perfect way to do it. I was so ready to give up my kissing-virgin card with her that it became the most desperate and sad attempt at relationship redemption. She declined, and if it wasn't awkward enough between us, it just got worse.

The movie sucked, but not just because it was the first movie I'd see with her that didn't include us holding hands. I kept replaying that scene in my head. I kept hearing her tell me "I don't think kissing you will help. I think... it'll make it worse." And then I remember apologizing countless times before retreating to the back seat. I wore my dunce cap and help my white flag high. I lost, and Connor would be gone. I wanted to be wrong so awfully bad. I wanted her to surprise me, and we could plunge into one of the hardest years together. Instead, I blew it.

And that's the end. I never saw her after that day.

To this day, she watches my Snapchat posts. I later found out a good friend of mine, Zane, was the ex who didn't hold her hand. She went her own way. I went mine.

Just like that, poof, and my Champagne Princess was gone.