Gavin (2)

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by ravagedcabbage

by ravagedcabbage

Insane trigger warning. mentions suicidal thoughts/attempts, panic attacks, and the like. DO NOT READ IF THESE MAY TRIGGER BAD MEMORIES

This is based off of my personal experiences, like what my panic attacks feel like, and how it affects me. Sorry if it seems weird or out of place, but this is my coping mech

Also a super heartfelt, ooc gav

The nights are always the hardest.

I laid on my back, staring up at where I could faintly see a lightbulb in the ceiling. Only the outline was visible through the dark of night.

Sighing, I rolled onto my side, sniffling. I had been going through a tough time while Gavin was in England. He was supposed to return days ago, but a few storms set back all flights by a week! I had already been miserable enough, but now he wouldn't even be home on time? Life is cruel.

I chewed my lip, blinking back tears. What if he was lying? Maybe he found a better girl in England. One who was prettier, or smarter, or liked stuff that he did. One who wasn't so anxious all the time, or so damned needy, like me.

A few tears slipped by, and then they all did. Before I knew it, I was crying into my pillow, tears covering the surface.

Did Gavin even love me? Was he really away for work, or was he trying to get away from me? He was gone so often, it felt like the latter was true, and that only made me feel even worse.

That was how I spent most nights while he was gone; crying and telling myself that he couldn't ppssibly love me as I was. I was a mess that couldn't be cleaned.

It was the next night that he returned, and he didn't like the state he saw me in.

"Oh, love," he muttered, dropping his bags once he heard me crying in the bedroom. He dashed over, but I couldn't hear over my loud sobs.

"Gav?!" I yelled when I felt someone engulf me in a hug. "You're home!"

"Calm down, love," he begged. "There's no need for crying!"

I nodded at that, but the tears still kept coming. He'd really come home. He came back to me.

"I missed you," I stated once we had both laid down. "It felt like years."

"Missed you, too," he returned tiredly, holding me close. "When I heard you crying, I was so scared. Please, don't scare me like that again."

Although I didn't like the abrupt change of subject, I nodded. The last time he found me sobbing in the bedroom wasn't pretty at all.

No, I had been covered in blood, from wounds all over my arms and legs. A few bottles of alcohol were scattered over the room, a few in jagged pieces that had been used to tear through my skin.

Gavin had come home, seeing me passed out on the floor, bloody and barely breathing. He had to call Geoff to get me to the hospital, and, apparently, Geoff was pretty shaken by the events, as well. Neither of them were very happy with me when I was released from the hospital.

Still, for whatever reason, Gavin stayed my boyfriend, and Geoff was still my friend. Despite all that had happened, they were still there.

"Why are you still here?" I asked Gavin. "I cause you so much trouble, I'm a fucking mess, and...you can't leave the house a couple days - only days! - without me becoming an emotional wreck! Why do you stay with me?"

The tears had suddenly returned, but no amount of hugs from Gavin would calm me. I simply couldn't exit the state of mind.

"Because I love you," he tried to get out through my sobs. "Yeah, you're emotional sometimes, and yeah, you can be a handful, but that's why I love you! You don't try to hide all of that, you always get completely honest with me. When you're upset, you don't tiptoe around it, you tell me. When you need something, you let me know. Yeah, you're flawed, but so is everybody on this damned planet!"

I sniffed, wiping a few tears away as Gav hugged me close.

"I love you as you are, imperfections and all, love."