Something in the Water

003

The conversation August and Aunt Annie partake in left August thinking. Being open and appreciated has always been a dream of his, but he is in this mindset that, hiding his wants and need will not just be a phase but his life. Everyone says it gets better, but the hard truth is it takes patience. Nothing is fixed overnight and that's why as a teen he doesn't want to listen. As a teen, he has been told that things will get better. You lose hope after a while of thinking that way, looking for a better place those words always in your mind. You begin to think it is all a sugar-coated lie because no matter how much hope you have it is like your journey just stretches farther from the piece.

It is like being trapped in a glass box and on the outside what you desire most is teasing you. You try to get out of that mindset, you tell yourself you can escape until enough time passes and not only do you give up, but you are forced to do so. Accepting defeat.

15 years of feeling like something is missing. You know exactly what that thing is, but no matter how close to it you are there is always that one thing pulling you away. What is August anchor? What is pulling him away? Why is it that when he thinks about it, he tries to wrap his head around the source of his struggle. He can't breathe?

August sauntered back to Cason's room where Cason was finishing up the Lego set in silence. As August walked through the doorway the two connected through the eyes. Cason's eyes were filled with worry, knowing a bit of the topic but not the struggle August was dealing with. He stopped listening when he felt that he shouldn't. So he knew nothing really. He did not know about August and his complications with sexuality or loneliness and he didn't ask. Cason knew August had struggles but most of their fights were because of discussing these problems. Cason thought it was in his best interest to stay out of it, even if he was dying to see August happy again.

Still seeing his best friend drag himself to his closet and just stare, it broke his heart. There was no light in his friend's eyes. Not a hint of life in him. Cason stood up walked to the corner next to August and just watched, not knowing what to say to cheer him up. Not wanting to say anything to make it worse as he usually does. Most of all Cason just wanted to help, he had a love for August. He cared for him like family and couldn't bear to see him so low. August was distraught torn between two realities and hating himself for not knowing how to live in either of them, brand new to both. Wanting to join but too scared to change. The pair stood like that for minutes. Exaggerated enough, they stood in complete silence for a very long time. August was so confused he didn't know how to react and often times did this. He just kind of went on standby in the world staring off and thinking. Or crying. One time August was so mortified he stayed under the bed. His father and he went through a rough time. It was horrible. He laid under the bed for hours refusing to come out. Aunt annie let him live with them for 2 months before he decided to go back home with Norman. August cried under that bed for days, until one day. Cason laid with him, for all those hours and said nothing. He just held his hand and laid there. His presence was all the support August needed, but something happens at that time. They don't talk about it. It was when August realized, it when he couldn't accept it.

"I-i know we agreed to not bring it up, but it is a stupid thing to keep hidden, August," Cason said in the softest possible voice he could manifest. A single dropped from August and collided with the carpet as Cason watched unsure of what to follow up. Thinking about the right words to say, his eyes trying to catch anything to focus on as he thought for August. "I know that you feel, lonely. That you are stuck in a certain mindset. That you don't understand, but as hard as it is to accept it will get better August."

August turned to Cason with sad eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose, unable to accept his words. It has been far too long for hope. He could not, he did not want to believe it. "When I am older?" He said dropping his hand from his nose and looking at Cason unimpressed with a difference in his facial structure showing signs of wanting to believe him, but he couldn't.

Cason by this time began to understand what August was coming from.  "Yes, when you're older." August threw his hands up in the air in distress inches from tears.

"Of course. Nothing is worth being okay when you need it to be. Why does everything take time? Why do I have to feel this way? What did I do to deserve this.?"

By this time August was ascending his voice becoming frustrated. Unable to prevent streams of tears falling from his eyes. Cason rushed forward affectionately cupping August's face in his palms. "You don't deserve it. You don't deserve any of it, everyone goes through it. Whatever you are struggling with you can overcome it....but you have to let me in. I can't help you if you don't let me inside."

August pushed Cason off of him and as his skin tightened under the tears he looked at Cason in a way he never has. "Cason! Everything will change if I do so. I'm scared." He spat. "My whole world will change and i- I don't know how to live in a world I don't understand."

August dropped to the floor with his head between his knees and his hands fisted I'm too his hair as tears pulled away from his chin and down to the floor. Cason darted down to the floor placing a hand on August's back rubbing circles to comfort him. "I understand more than you know, August. Breath, it's just me and you. You are safe,  nobody can hurt you."

It was like he was reading a script but all the same, there was heart in his words.

"Cason I'm sorry. My life is a mess and I drag you int–

" Shh," Cason whispered, rocking with August.

"Stay here tonight okay? Just rest I'm here with you."