the journal - h.s.

90

[amber’s pov]

He would always wake up with a scream of pain leaving his lips finally tearing him out of the horrible nightmares he must be having. Every night the past week he would wake me up with his mumbles in his sleep; he would turn over from the unquiet dreams, and I could hear how his heartbeat would be racing as he kept whispering ‘no. no stop. please don’t.’

I knew things weren’t easy for him these days; I knew the event which his father so desperately wanted him to come to was getting closer and closer; only half a week was left till the spectacular weekend with the political charity dinner. But the thing was we had agreed on him not going - not even considering it. In my eyes Harry’s father was like a black hole, which swallowed up everything he could. If Harry went this one time - his father would most likely demand even more.

I hadn’t turned on the light in the apartment even though I had been here for a few hours. I had been laying on my back still wearing my coat and just stared up at the ceiling, as the occasional car would drive past down on the street and illuminate the ceiling. The Pink Floyd record I had bought for Harry today had finished long ago; we had brought his vinyl player here and I remembered how we had been listening together to some of the music he had wanted me to hear. With lazy smiles and hands entwined; just listening and being. Pushing away the troubles. Harry would always be tired from the nights filled with nightmares so I would watch him lay there with closed eyes as his breathing would grow more and more calm and steady, while my fingertips would softly trace his tattoos and the music would flow perfectly in the air.

I didn’t know what to do. I just knew; I was so very much in love with him that everything I felt and thought had some sort of connection to him. Maybe that was what people meant when they talked about soulmates’ life strings being tied together?

It wasn’t like I hadn’t been dying to answer his calls and texts; I just needed some time to gather my thoughts. Something didn’t add up. And I couldn’t figure it out with him around. He did something to me when he was around; I could never quite focus or think completely rationally. His presence threw me off into a bubble of feeling safe and secure and endlessly happy.

As Peter’s fingertip had brushed against my cheek today, I knew hiding in the safe bubble wouldn’t solve all of the problems outside it. On one hand I didn’t want to tell Harry the truth of how close Peter had gotten - what he had said. But at the same time I could still feel the cold shiver run through my body; the fear that seemed like some endless dark sea I was suddenly about to fall into. And then there was the constant nagging feeling that Harry was still not telling me everything. I wasn’t sure what to do; how we could overcome this. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes at the thought of him leaving to Washington DC on his own; would I ever see him again then? I was absolutely sure he would never let me go with him, what I wasn’t sure of was what dirty tricks his father would use to make him stay.

I stumbled to my feet as a sudden wave of missing him so terribly much washed in over me; it almost hurt not having him here with his strong arms around me. Missed his warmth, his familiar scent, the green soft eyes that I could always look for as confirmation that he truly did love me, and the way his laughter sounded. I quickly found the brown leather journal he had once given me as a piece of him, which I could always keep close. Before returning to the mattress I grabbed my phone too and turned on a single lamp, which send off a soft warm light from the top of a stack of books.

He was my favorite place; my favorite sound; my favorite moment of the day; my favorite getaway. I opened the journal as I lay on my stomach and the soft yellow light illuminated the dark scribbled words, which I led my fingertips run over. This was where it had all started. On these inked pages. This had somehow turned out to be the compass, which had led me to him.