Wounded Hearts Will Conquer

Chapter 12 - Awkward Confrontations

Chapter 12
Evan
Awkward Confrontations

I haven’t talked to Bailey since the night that I told her about my Dad. I was too much of a coward to even face her at this point. I don’t know why I said the things that I said. I don’t know I did the things that I did. It was one of those moments where you’re completely irrational and just let it all out. It felt like I was holding so many things in that I couldn’t take it anymore. And it I could let it out to anyone at that moment, it was Bailey.

How do you look someone in the eyes when you bared your soul to them, and almost kissed them right in your driveway?

I sure as hell couldn’t do it.

I had a girlfriend, and a very hot one at that. Leslie was fun, she made me laugh, smile and even listened to me when I needed her.

I had told Leslie that my Dad had died, but I never told her how or when, or any of the nasty details. I just felt like she needed to know when my birthday party came up and my Dad hadn’t called to wish me a happy 21st.

She was surprised to say the least. She was surprised that I didn’t tell her.

I didn’t know why she was. Death was not something that you just blurted out in the middle of a dinner conversation. You didn’t nonchalantly bypass it during a phone call. It wasn’t something sufferers could talk about easily. And when you take it the hardest, like I do, you didn’t want to tell anyone at all, no matter the conversation.

She wanted to know more, every time a deep conversation ensued, but I would always drive the conversation in a different direction, letting the topic fade into the background of her brain. She was slightly air-headed so that part wasn’t so hard to do. Even though she was pretty hard to talk to intellectually, she was still someone I could have fun with.

I needed to have fun, because I was tired of being some depressed asshole who didn’t smile anymore. And Leslie made me smile.

But Bailey, on the other hand, was a completely different story.

Bailey made me laugh, made me smile, made me angry, sad, confused, and frustrated. But I wouldn’t trade the girl for the world.

I counted her as a close friend, even though she didn’t feel that we were. I didn’t want to open up to her. Especially after everything she heard the night at the field. Ever since we made up, we never spoke about that night. I never prodded more answers from her on what she heard, and she never prodded more into my personal life. We went on with the friendship like that night had never happened, and I planned on keeping it that way before anything else became like a Dr. Phil rerun.

Never asking personal questions was like an unspoken rule between us that no one would ever understand. I knew she was hiding things from me that she didn’t want me to know; just like she knew I was hiding things about my life as well. We didn’t prod because we knew how the other would get.

As much as I wanted to know what was going on in her life, especially when the awkwardness set in during the minimal moments of her parents being home when I was there, I didn’t push. Merely because I didn’t want to be pushed myself.

I always looked at it like, you get as much as you give. I wanted to know Bailey so much more than what I already knew about her, but I just wasn’t ready to bare my feelings about my Dad to her like we were siblings or close family. I didn’t work that way.

But, when Cal pissed me off so much that I wanted to wring his neck for even stepping foot in my house, I felt like I needed to finally come out with it. She didn’t understand that why after so long, I cared so much that my Mom was clearly dating again. She deserved love as much as the next person. I didn’t want her to wait around forever, like Dad was actually going to show up at the doorstep again or something. I knew that she was lonely and needed a man for herself, but I wasn’t ready to accept that.

You’d think that after almost eleven years, acceptance paved a way for you, but not for me.

I wanted to punch Cal in his cow chewing, spit slapping mouth for even referring to little Greg as his son. I knew deep down that that’s not what his intentions were, but everything seemed to be unraveling at the seams that night, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

When Bailey came out and silently willed me to let her in, I felt like I didn’t have a choice anymore. I was giving into the pull that had attracted me to her since the night from the rooftop. I was finally letting someone see the pain and angst I was living with day by day, and she actually knew how it felt.

I wasn’t expecting her to suddenly blurt out that her sister died. I didn’t have the slightest clue that she was holding something in that was that deep. But I felt a small weight being lifted off of my shoulders knowing that someone finally knew how it felt. I wasn’t being fed bullshit advice or excuses from people who pretended anymore. I was actually letting someone in who knew the pain that my heart felt since the day that my Dad walked into that burning building.

But, I also felt a piece of heart break knowing that she was going through something so deep, and no one even knew.

It was weird how I felt so drawn to this girl, but dating a girl like Les. Don’t get me wrong, I really liked Leslie. She was something I needed in a time when I was so down I couldn’t function properly anymore. But Bailey pulled me in so much, that I didn’t know if I could pull myself back anymore. We were like stretched out rubber bands. The more we pulled away, the more the rubber was about to break. We wanted to desperately to retract and come back in.

Or, at least that’s how I saw it. I had no idea how she felt.

All I knew was that I wanted to kiss her so badly that night. I knew I had a girlfriend waiting by the phone for me. I knew we were getting so close as friends that I could screw everything up. I knew that I was even oblivious to how she felt. But I didn’t care. I was tired of pulling at the rubber.

 I wanted to finally let go.

But when Leslie called, I didn’t know how to react anymore. It was like the view of her name on my phone screen was a bucket of cold ice water being dropped on top of me. I realized everything I would be giving up, and I realized the risks I would be taking jumping into something like that.

When did I become such a pansy ass like this?

I knew Bailey was probably waiting for me to call. Today was the morning of our usual breakfast get together at the Opium Diner near her house. We joked while we ate pancakes, and ate off of each other’s plates without a care in the world about our personal lives getting in the way. I actually really liked those mornings, because it felt like a getaway from all of the shit in my life. But I didn’t think I could go through with that today, especially after ignoring her for days since the night in the driveway.

I decided I would call Leslie, because she was the second distraction on my list, and I really needed one today. We decided to meet for lunch at this stupid little posh restaurant that she loved so much. In my opinion, it was ugly with its blood red walls, and shit colored leather booths.

But, you take what you can get.

We made our way to the shit colored booth a few hours later, while my stomach grumbled to get my attention. Leslie was wearing a soft yellow cashmere sweater with some skinny jeans, trying to look nice in front of her unknown peers at the rich restaurant. I, on the other hand, went for the casual look, with a dark grey t-shirt and some jeans, added with some messed up Converse sneakers. I honestly could care less what the rich snobs in this place thought of me. All I cared about was getting some food in my noisy stomach and getting rid of the mess in my head.

A girl like Bailey could do that to you.

”Hi, my name’s Bailey. I’ll be your server today. What can I get you?” a too familiar voice asked next to me. My eyes shot up to her and they almost fell out their sockets. I swallowed loudly and placed my menu down in front of me.

Leslie, on the opposite side of the table, looked up and glared at Bailey, showing her disgust. I didn’t even want to get in the middle of this cat fight right now. I just wanted to hide my face in shame and peel out of here in my car.

”Um,” she gulped, only looking at me for a second, before looking down at her pad of paper in her hand. “Drinks?”

”I’ll have an ice water with lemon, of course,” she sneered, throwing a piece of blonde, pin straight hair over her shoulder. Bailey only nodded her head, writing down Leslie’s order.

I cleared my throat, trying not to gap at her like an idiot. Before I could find words to form, Les spoke for me.

”He’ll have a Pepsi, extra ice,” she smiled up at Bailey, clearly showing that she was the girlfriend who knew everything I wanted.

She was obviously the better girl here because she could order for me, and act like a girlfriend, and Bailey couldn’t. In her mind, she was winning this fight. A fight that I didn’t even want to be included in.

”Be right back,” she breathed, not ever meeting my eyes. I rubbed my hands together, trying to get a hold of myself.

This was Bailey we’re talking about here. We were such good friends before all of this stupid confessing and physical shit got in the way. Why could you never stay friends with a girl for long? Either you or her always felt something in the long run. It was inevitable. I had fallen below the trap with no going back. But deep down, I knew that this was my trap from the get go.

But, I just needed her back as my friend. I didn’t need all of the other shit if she didn’t want it.

Like always, I manage to screw everything up.

We couldn’t part ways now. I confessed to her, and I knew I would probably crack later on. I needed her to be there when I did. I damn well couldn’t confide in Leslie. She’d coddle me like a five year old.

When Bailey came back with our drinks, I had words prepared and confidence somewhat ready. She placed our cups down, placing the straws in the middle. I decided now was my time to speak up.

”Since when did you work here?” I questioned, looking up at her. “I thought you took a job at the theatre.”

She stopped dead, slowly moving her eyes towards mine. I was guessing that she wasn’t expecting me to say anything to her. I hadn’t said a word in almost two weeks.

”I uh…needed the second job. Needed to get out of the house,” she shrugged, going back to her pad of paper.

”Must suck being poor,” Leslie scoffed, smiling sweetly up at Bailey. I shook my head, running my hands through my hair. If she only knew who Bailey’s dad was. And she couldn’t refrain from a cat fight for more than a minute.

Bailey sent her a glare before asking what he wanted for lunch. Leslie ordered a Caesar salad, dressing on the side. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger with extra fries awkwardly without making any eye contact.

She nodded her head quickly before speeding off into the kitchen to give the orders. I stared into the direction she went, wondering what the hell to do.

Granted, as much as this awkwardness was uncomfortable for me, I couldn’t shake the pull I still felt towards her. I wanted her back for my distraction. I wanted her back to joke around with, to argue with, to drink with, to laugh with, and to confide in. I couldn’t do that with just anyone anymore, and Bailey was all I had. I was tired of this bullshit I kept doing to myself and decided that I needed to take a stand.

I stood up quickly from the booth and threw down my napkin. As I walked in the direction Bailey went, I heard Leslie scream my name.

”Evan, where the hell are you going?”

I ignored her and burst through the black swinging door, facing a bunch of kitchen staff with stunned expressions. I wasn’t allowed back here, that much was clear, and they were mostly expecting another waiter. When it was obvious that I wasn’t dressed in black like a waiter should be, I was met with screams and hushed tones.

”Sir, you can’t be back here,” a woman who looked to be in her late thirties came towards me, trying to usher me back the way I came. I tugged my arm out of her grasp. She seemed frightened of me as I glared at her.

”Tall red head, about this high,” I gestured with a hand to around my chest at the woman, trying to show her how tall Bailey was. “Where did she go?” I asked, frustration clear in my voice.

”That way,” she whimpered, pointing a long, bony finger to my right, through a set of back doors, leading outside. I guess I was pretty intimidating when I was angry.

I stormed through the door, confidence radiating from me. I didn’t even know where that feeling came from. She was sitting on a milk crate, her head in her hands when I burst through.

Her head shot up at the sound and she seemed startled.

”Evan?” she said, standing up quickly. “Why are you back here?”

”Because I can’t stand these stupid games we play with each other anymore!” I shouted, throwing my hands up in the air.

She stared at me, wide eyed and somewhat angry. “Games?” she scoffed. “Want to talk about games, Evan?” she threatened. I crossed my arms, waiting for her to go on.

”You’re the fucking mastermind at it!” she yelled. It was the first time I heard her use the F word in a sentence and I was somewhat shocked.

”First, you give me shit for not letting you in. Then you ask me out,” she counted off examples on each finger angrily. “You show up like a drunken asshole and spew shit about your Dad. Then when I question you, you scream at me like some kind of animal for wanting to help you out!”

I was shaking by this point. She was pointing out my flaws, making it clear that I was fuck up, and I wasn’t having it anymore. I can blame myself for things all I wanted to. I could say I was a fuck up as long as I wanted. But she couldn’t sit there and blame me for things she’d done too.

”Oh really? I get mad when someone questions me? How about you, huh?” I said, pointing a hard finger in her direction. “You’re being such a fucking hypocrite, Bailey! You hide things from me all the damn time. You haven’t even told me what the tattoo means! You don’t let me know about your parents! Hell, two weeks ago was the first time you even remotely let me in to begin with!”

She glared at me. If looks could kill, I’d be on the ground right about now. She stalked up to me and got close to my face.

”How dare you,” she seethed, looking straight into my eyes. “You keep everything from me, Evan!” her voice was rising by the minute. She backed away a little, throwing her hands up in the air.

”You never ever let me know anything going on in your life! Hell, I only heard your friend Aaron’s name in passing, ONE time! You find out you mistakenly tell me about your Dad, and you freak out like you just spilled a government secret! Talk about being a god damn hypocrite, Evan!”

”Bailey, you don’t know shit! Who do you think you are?!” I yelled. I could feel my face heating up from the exertion and my breathing was becoming heavy. So much for fixing things. She wanted a fight; I would give her a god damn fight.

”Who do I think I am?” she breathed, angrily, pointing at herself. “I’m sorry; I was under the impression that we were friends Evan! Or as you put it, best friends!”

”What’s your point? Because I say we’re friends, it suddenly gives you access to everything going on in my life?!”

”Well it sure as hell gives me access to hear something other than the weather and your dirty jokes Ev!” she said, throwing her hands up again. Her cheeks were tinted pink and she took a deep breath, steadying herself. When she calmed down, she whispered, “Why won’t you let me in?”

”Because you scare the shit out of me, okay?!” I yelled, running my hands through my hair in frustration. There was no going back now, and I didn’t think I could stop if I wanted to.

”And you don’t think you scare the shit out of me?” she yelled back at me. She didn’t need an explanation, she knew, like always, what I was talking about.

”I never tell people anything that goes in my life! Only Aaron, and he’s a somewhat exception because he knew who my Dad was! You, you’re just some girl who I met at a concert while I was somewhat drunk!” I yelled, watching as her face fell a little at my words. “And for some fucking reason, I feel the need to share so many things with you and tell you how I feel. I feel like no one gets it like you do, and I don’t feel this good around anyone else but you. And it scares the hell out of me, Bailey!”

I turned to the side, slightly, breathing heavily. I ran my hands through the spiked up mess placed on top of my head and realized what I needed to do.

“Oh hell,” I stated before grabbing her by the waist and pushing her up against the brick wall. She went to open her mouth to come back at me, I suppose. Before she could, I roughly pressed my lips to hers and kissed her like my life depended on it.