Half Full

Chapter 9

"I swear to God I will never run again," I whine while standing in front of the closet on my shaky legs. What was I thinking? That after six months of not running a single mile I can go for five? I ended up on my knees on the ground and I might even have puked a little while I was trying to catch my breath. I'm pretty sure that I also cried. All the stuff running through my head got me fired up and I turned myself into a pity ball of emotions. Did it help? Nope. Or, maybe a little, because besides my jelly like legs I feel pretty good, so maybe that running thing will do me some good.

"If you ever decide to run again I might borrow your bicycle and go next to you, you know kind of like encouragement team or something." Sam is still in her bed, checking what I'm sure is her Facebook page.

"Thanks, that's really nice of you." I throw over my shoulder and grab a change of clothes. "I'm pretty sure I can manage."

"Not from what I saw last night." She murmurs under her breath. I don't have to ask her what she means. I'm sure I looked like a goddamn mess when I walked through the door.

"I'm heading to the shower and then I'm off to class. See you at chemistry." That's the only class we have together, which is weird as she is in a medical major as well.

"Uhmm" I hear as I close the door.

When I come back to drop off my toiletries the room is empty and there is a note on my bed.

Please grab me some handouts if there are any

Thanks

You are like the best roommate ever

Ok, so I guess I won't see her at chemistry today. Again. I think she has only attended like 2 or 3 classes since the semester started.

I skip lunch in the cafeteria and walk to the pizza place a few blocks away. I don't feel like seeing anybody today. Seeing one person in particular. Plus, the whole bunch of people that saw me playing garbage woman yesterday. No, thank you. I'd rather eat pizza or whatever they have over there.

I walk in to the small space and to my surprise the place is as crowded as hell. I walk to the register and order a slice of pepperoni and a bottle of water. I'm about to pay when someone grabs me by my waist from behind. The weirdest panic paralyzed my whole body because I swear I know those hands and that 'hug' but that doesn't make sense.

"I was wondering when I would come across you here, sweetheart." Jimmy's voice is hot on my face. Everything in me freezes. Everything. I don't think my blood is flowing anymore. I don't think my heart is beating anymore. I might just die at the sound of that voice. On instinct, I try to wriggle out of his strong hold but that seems pointless. Just like before.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were in Arizona." That's where he was supposed to be. That's why I didn't go back to my old college and transferred here, even though it wasn't my first choice. "I transferred a week ago. Arizona weather didn't really sit well with me." Jesus. Typical Jimmy. Doing whatever he damned well wants.

Thank God my order is called and he releases me so I can grab my slice. "Nice to see you, I hope you enjoy this weather." I try to sound relaxed but my voice shakes, just like my hands.

"See you around sweetheart." I almost gag, or maybe I actually did gag at his words. Sweetheart! I thought I would never hear that word again. Ever.

What the hell he is doing here? The weather excuse is something I don't buy at all. He dreamt of that college from what I remember and besides there is no architecture major in here. I chose this college based on that fact, so I knew I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him around.

I swear his presence is nauseating. I bite into my pizza while I walk back to the campus and I can't help but remember that stupid night, that was the final pull on a string that was hanging very, very loosely anyway.

"Come on Payton, we've been going out for the past two years, don't you think it's time." Jimmy's hands slide under my thin tank top and slide higher to my bra.

"Jimmy stop." A pleading whisper that goes unnoticed.

He unclips my bra and grabs my breasts, making me wince in pain. "Jimmy, I mean it, stop."

"Come on sweetheart, don't tell me you don't like this." His right hand is sliding under my skirt and going straight for the one place I plan on keeping pure for as long as I can.

I try to push him off me but he is way too strong, calling for help seems pathetic since I'm his girlfriend and we are at the party, everybody fools around. But I guess they all want to fool around like that, I don't. "Jimmy, get your hands off me." Now my voice trembles and I start to feel the panic rising. He pushes me towards the bed and I feel the back of my knees touching the mattress one second, and the next, my back is flat on somebody else's bed. "Jimmy, let's wait, you are drunk right now, let's do this the right way." I try to reason with him, my voice now shaky, just like my whole body is.

"Nah, I'm fine and I think this is the perfect moment for you to finally show me how much you love me." Is he kidding me? I think I stopped loving him a few minutes ago. He hikes up my skirt and starts pulling my underwear down. There is sheer panic and nothing else. I try to kick my legs at him but his thighs are keeping me hostage.

"Jimmy, stop!" I scream in hopes that someone can hear me over the loud music downstairs.

"You can scream all you want I don't think anybody will hear you." I know he's right but I scream anyways. At the top of my lungs, I scream for help. The next thing I know the door is bursting open and Jessica, my best friend is standing in the doorway along with a few other people.

"What the fuck?" She rushes to me while Jimmy, my Jimmy who was supposed to love me for eternity; adjust his pants and smirks looking at some guy standing in the doorway.

"I'm done with her if you want to take a turn." And just like that, he's gone and I'm lying on some stranger's bed with my panties pulled down and my shirt up revealing everything that should be sacred.

I realize that I have walked all the way to my dorm instead of campus and that salty tears are streaming down my face, going down a very familiar path. The path that is engraved deep into my skin.

Looking back, maybe running towards a red light was a little too dramatic and definitely way too risky, especially over some douchebag like Jimmy, but the emotions I felt that night were too much for me. The humiliation, the betrayal. The fact that I spent two years with someone who seemed so sweet and so caring but turned into that monster in a nanosecond was devastating. Plus the shame I felt when I was lying on that bed, half naked like we did, indeed, just have sex.

I remember that I ran out of that house seeing nothing in front of me because I was hysterical. I threw up next to my car and when I turned around and saw a group of people standing on the porch, pointing in my direction and laughing, that was the moment I made my decision. The decision I will regret my whole life. The decision I will have to live with my whole life. And now, he has the nerve to show up here and act like nothing happened? If he was that cruel back then, I don't want to think what he is capable of right now.