Always the Bride

34. Guilt ridden

Hi guys. Here is the long awaited chapter. :) Happy reading! Thanks a million times over for all your support. <3

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The next morning when I wake it takes a little while to register where I am. My first thought is I'm with Gregory. My mind is so muddled I don't even know what year it is. Then as I roll over and a strong arm pulls me into them, I freeze. That's not Gregory! Looking over my shoulder, I see Julian and the events of last night come flooding back.

As I recall how intimate we were, a blush creeps up my neck. I actually did it. I lost my virginity...to Julian. I lay motionless in bed as I go through how I feel. Okay I'm sleepy but that's a combination of just waking up, going to bed late and not sleeping for very long. The next thing I notice is tenderness...downstairs. Well, I suppose that's to be expected too.

Other than that I feel nothing out of the ordinary. Is this normal? I mean when you lose your virginity aren't you supposed to feel something? Whatever happened to feeling like a woman? To feeling fulfilled and accomplished? Does none of this happen? If it does then I'm very worried.

Guilt gnaws away at my insides. What the hell do I feel guilty about?

You always said you were waiting for marriage, Teresa.

I gulp at this thought. Last night I was so convinced that didn't matter. I was so certain this is what I wanted. Now...well, now it's a different story. The guilt I feel is like I've trodden on a puppy. This is not what was supposed to happen. I was so determined to wait.

Oh god.

Groaning silently, I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. As I do so I quickly realise I'm still naked. Gasping, I grab the sheet and wrap it tightly around me. This is awkward because I'm sharing it with Julian. Still, I manage to keep the most private bits covered.

A feeling of regret tries to claw its way into my mind but I push it away along with the guilt. If I was certain of what I wanted last night, I have to tell myself now that it's okay. I may not be running around the room naked and singing at the top of my lungs but I'm glad it happened and I'm glad it was Julian I gave it to.

Are you sure about that?

Of course I am. The guilt is to be expected but there is no reason to regret it. I made my choice regarding Julian and I'm sticking to it.

What about Jamie? Despite his philandering ways you know deep down you wish it was him. On your wedding night.

My eyes widen at my internal thoughts. Oh my god, I can't believe that just crossed my mind. God I'm so screwed up. I can't think like that anymore. Okay so a part of me wishes things were different with Jamie but I know he could never offer it. I really do think a lot of Julian. He's genuine, caring and just overall lovely. He's all I've ever wanted. This is my choice and I'm sticking to it.

When Julian stirs next to me, all thoughts disappear from my mind and I freeze. What am I supposed to do now? Should I get up and dash into the shower? Should I get back into bed so we can cuddle? Do we 'do it' again? Wow, I'm really sounding like a teenager right now. Who says 'do it' anymore in regards to sex?

I can't help but wish I had done this sooner just so I wouldn't be having a crisis right now. What do other first timers do?

"Good morning beautiful," Julian says from behind me.

Well that's certainly something I can get used to.

I shift so I can see him then smile nervously. I suddenly become very aware of my nakedness under the sheets. I attempt to pull them tighter around me, hoping it will hide it. Perhaps if I hide it enough he'll forget he saw me in my birthday suit.