Tricked

three - an out

Dear hope,

I didn't see you for the whole next week after you told me your name and to be honest, I was worried, I was worried that you might've thought that I was not worth your precious time or maybe you didn't want to talk to me because nobody does.

My therapist told me I'm getting better and that I don't need to see him anymore, but in reality, after not seeing you, I was only getting worst but I didnt say anything to anyone.

On thursday, at midnight, you knocked on my door and I wanted to lay on my comfortable bed all night but I had to get up.

As soon as I opened the door, you embraced me into a hug, and I hugged back, and you were so fragile, I thought if I didn't hold you carefully, you might break and then I led you to my couch and sat down with you.

The only thing you said was "I want out" and then you started crying and I told you I wanted out too and you said between your sobs that you wanted it more than me and I just laughed.

And after a while, you asked what love is and I just said love is something because truly, I didn't know either.

Love was something my mother did to me, something my dad did to my mom, my sister and I did to my mom, but I couldn't put it all in words, because I didn't know what it was.

When do you realize who you love and why? Sure people can love eachother but why? How? How do you fall in love and why do you realize you've fallen after you fall for someone?

Is love a feeling like an emotion? or do you feel it phsically? Is it the feeling that you want to keep someone safe or is it something you want because everyone else does? I didn't know and I wanted to know, I wanted to ask you but you didn't know either. It felt like in that moment, nobody knew what love is.

I couldn't recall what happened next because when I woke up, you weren't next to me and I was lying alone on my couch still trying to figure out the meaning of love.

Love,

Noel