Against The Odds: Guarded

29

LUCAS POV

It took everything in me not to jump out of the car when I saw Peyton. My blood boiled again and I literally had to hold on to the steering wheel to keep myself in place. Instead of royally fucking him up and taking the chance of being thrown back in Maudsley like I almost did last night, I decided to show him that Maya is still mine and no one else’s. I kissed her and as she kissed me back I flipped him off behind her back. It made me feel somewhat better, but not really. I know I set Peyton a death trap when I told Maya about him coming to the bar last night, and it makes me feel satisfied but then like shit shortly afterwards.

I watch her as she walks in passing him and he and I make eye contact again. He smirks condescendingly shaking his head before putting his cigarette out and walking into the building. He’s trying to challenge me as if this was a game and that Maya is the prize to be won afterwards. It disgusts me, infuriates me, and scares me when it sends my mind to a place that it hasn’t gone in damn near two and a half years. I shake away the taunting thought and drive off heading for home. Even if it was a game I would win. She loves me, and I love her, regardless to the mistake I made only hours ago, I love her. I want it to go away and if I could erase it I would.

The closest I could get to erasing it was deleting Tamsin’s number from my phone and even doing that this morning made me uneasy. I should have never taken Tamsin up on her offer in the first place, then I would have never have had to deal with this mess. I know Maya knows something by the way she was prying when I came over this morning and I’ll tell her...It didn’t mean anything absolutely nothing.

I walked into the house and spoke to my mum and sister. Neither of them said much to me since they found out about what I did to mums seating charts and she’s been stressing herself out trying to remember who sits where and who’s eating what. She mumbles a ‘hello’ and Gemma raises her eyebrows as a gesture but doesn’t speak.

I sauntered up to my room and tried to sleep but shot up in a cold sweat forty minutes later when I saw his face again bloodied and beaten. The dreams are becoming more frequent. I haven’t slept in ages and now when I’m awake I think about what I did last night. There’s no middle ground and the lack of rest is going to drive me up a wall. I need something to put me to sleep and I know exactly what it is, but I can’t go to session high.

My thoughts get the best of me and I text Zay seeing as he and Liam are the only ones who don’t mind Maya being around. I also know that he’ll give me a straight forward answer to my questions with out sugar coating anything.

To: Zay
Do you think she’ll leave me for Peyton?

I wait with bated breath for a response. I know I’m going to get chewed out but I need a real answer.

From: Zay
Why would you ask that?

To: Zay
A mistake has been made...

From: Zay
What kind of ‘mistake’?

Why does he always try to make me say it? Every time I talk to Zay he forces me to give more detail than I see necessary. I text him back an answer, a half assed answer but an answer none the less.

To: Zay
The cheating kind. I went to Tamsin’s last night before I went home. We didn't fuck, but we did other things... Peyton pissed me off and me and Maya argued yesterday about him. She’s never straight forward with me and I was hurt...If she leaves me, do you think it will be for him?

To: Zay
I feel horrible about it. I love her and I don’t mean to hurt her. But, I needed her last night Zay. I needed her to answer the phone...

From: Zay
Goddamn it Blake! You mean WHEN she leaves you! Bloody idiot! You can be so mature sometimes and other times you act like a baby. Grow the fuck up and get your shit together! I told you to talk to her. I told you to not jump to conclusions. That Peyton guy is a dick and he wanted to get a rise out of you and you gave him exactly that. He has the upper hand and you’re his puppet. Congratulations. I love you bro but you’ve royally fucked yourself on this one!

I fought back the anger that built from reading his text and threw my phone against the wall. Depression swooped in to take the place of anger like a winged scavenger coming to pick off of a carcass. I’m the carcass and I have no one to blame but myself. I needed her to answer the phone. I needed to hear her voice but she didn’t. I panicked and I let Peyton’s stupid comment get the best of me. I love her I do, but maybe now I can let it all go? My mind tries to play a twisted game with me and tell me that now we’re even and I shake the thought away. It’s not a game, and if I think that way I would be no better than Peyton. I lie back down on my bed frustrated and guilt ridden. I fucked up. I’m fucked up.

I looked at the clock on my wall and got up to prepare myself for session. When I picked up my phone I didn’t even bother to text Zay back. He was right he’s always right and it bothers me. I popped two aripiprazole and got ready for session to talk about another bullshit topic I’m sure.