4/14/18
This is an open letter to my first love.
Dear Clayton John Kennedy, you have taught me many things about love, the biggest lesson being: love hurts. Since that night Labor day weekend, 2016 when we were standing in front of the garage up north and Justin had pointed to you and said "you interested?", I had a feeling my life was going to be turned upside down. My prediction was true. I had never even considered thinking about you in a romantic way before that moment, we were always like strangers to each other.
I question a lot whether this just started from a drunken night or if these feelings of yours had been there for a while. I also question how you could ever even like me. I ignored myself and got to know you. After a week of talking non-stop, I had realized you were amazing and there was something about you I was almost addicted to I couldn't stop thinking about you. September 14th, 2016 you asked me out, I really thought about it. Was I willing to take this risk and date this boy I've known for years but have just now started getting to know? Well, that addiction to you kicked in and I said yes. Later that night you told me you loved me. I sat in bed staring at that text and I cried you made me feel a happiness I thought I would never feel again.
Our time was cut short, we didn't talk for about 6 months yet, every single fucking day I thought about you constantly I couldn't get you out of my head, you mattered too much to me. Now here we are today, I have learned thanks to you heartbreak is a bitch and being madly in love with your heartbreaker is even worse. I guess the worst thing is I don't know if you feel these overwhelming feelings for me that I feel for you. I wish I could just ask you but, we barely talk. This makes me sad I wish we could go back to that pure happiness we had. I wish we could erase the past start over and eliminate the drama or even start our love story later on in life, avoiding this fight we have had to fight for a year in counting now.
I don't know how we got to where we are today but, I told you I am willing to wait a lifetime for you. But, would you do the same for me? I fell for you head first and seem to keep falling, I can't figure out exactly what I am addicted to what made me fall so madly in love with you but, I did and I still am. You make me feel intoxicated without the help of alcohol, you are a danger, a risk, and an adventure I never see myself stop taking.
You are the first boy that made me feel what real love is. You have shown me that love is a hard thing to feel but, you made me feel it. You are the first boy that I saw in my future, I still today hope we can have that future I have fantasized up. I see us married, kids, and just happy. I see us happy together in the future. I hope you see the same and maybe our one day will come. I hold onto that night when you said "one day we will be together again" this gives me so much hope that we will persevere this rough elongated fight for our young love.
I thank you for breaking my heart and making me feel the bliss and pure hurt of heartbreak even if you were forced to make me feel this way. I thank you for loving me even if I don't know if you love me the way I love you. Just thank you, Clayton. Thank you for our love story no matter what happens in the future our love story was my first real love story and one day I will tell my children about us as a lesson if not an inspiration. I am madly in love with you, one day maybe I will know why but, for now, I love you no matter how much I get hurt by you from the little things. I hope we end up having a one day I really do. If not I know I had a wonderful first love that I will never regret.
With much star struck love- DeLana Jayde Crank
