Memories of Summer

[Week 3: Laura]

Dear Diary,

It's the third week of summer break and I should probably be out laughing with Sammy or be laying on the beach and feel the warm sand between my toes.

But instead, I'm here writing down the words which I now understand will create the image of my life in my future eyes.

I tried my best, okay?

Today is Tuesday which means the "weekly-longer-walk" for the elders. It is really nice working with grandma Mell since she always smiles when she sees me.

Grandma Mell is barely seventy but because of her brain disorder, she can't take care of herself. I remember Maggie, a few years ago, explaining it as if Mell knows where she is, she knows who she is, just that she believes that she is in her late thirties.

The hardest part about working with Mell is that she switches from telling me that her children are coming home soon, to calling me "Maggie". The first time it happened I remember that I pretended not to hear, as the name still stung in my ears, but as I looked up I saw that she was looking right at me.

Her warm brown eyes which usually just looked as if they couldn't focus on anything looked right at me. 

But then she looked away and became silent the whole night, I don't know if it was my reaction to her words which made her quiet, or if it was her brain playing tricks on her. Also because of her condition, she is unable to walk on her own and instead spends her time in a wheelchair.

As we were walking, me and about ten others of the workers with the same amount of elders, I heard short breaths behind me. As I looked behind me, striking eyes met mine and of course it had to be Liam in his awful polo shirt. I really wish he and the rest of the store he works in would realize that the weird blue and green-ish color didn't fit anyone.

The sun was shining, but it still wasn't a suffocating heat. Grandma Mell didn't react as the boy I had once loved came up beside me and brushed pieces of his hair, which had come out of place while he was running, back. He smiled at me and made it impossible for me to ignore him.

By the second Grandma Mell turned around and looked at Liam. She asked who this lovely man was and before I had a chance to explain that he was just passing by, Liam had introduced himself and told her that he was the main attraction for the rest of the ride.

Grandma Mell laughed kindly and told him to actually keep his hands of her child since we were coming closer to the pond and it was time to feed the ducks. Grandma Mell had for the whole ride held a solid grip around a bag of bread crumbs, as to show that she wasn't joking.

Maybe I didn't tell you that Grandma Mell has no idea that I am her granddaughter. Not even that she has two grandchildren.

"How are you?"

The words felt wrong coming from Liam. It wasn't as if I couldn't play nice with him, it was just that it took more and more on my heart to do so.

And the way he pronounced the words, it felt like we were strangers to each other, and maybe when I think about it, we were.

But of course, as much of a coward as I felt, I pretended everything was fine. Apparently I have never been better.

Liam asked if I had applied to some colleges or universities. I told him that I had, which wasn't a lie, but since I of some reason didn't want him to know where, when he asked I answered the North pole.

Which wasn't meant as a joke but still made Liam laugh. I hate myself for feeling for just a short moment warm inside my chest as if the sound of him made the small crumbles of my heart, find their way back again.

We spent the afternoon by the pond and for short moments over and over, I forgot about our past. We were just strangers who had suddenly met and we just... connected directly on an emotional level.

But each time as it felt like I was drifting away, I pinched myself, to come back to reality again, so hard that I will probably have several brushes tomorrow.

To be honest it was almost a relief when Liam announced that he was going back to his work because his "break" was over. He moved towards me as if he was going for a hug, but as I took a big step back, he just apologetically smiled and then went his way.

As I left work at four and headed home I came to think that there had been no flowers by my window this morning.

Dad was as usual not home as I entered the front door. Ollie was sitting in the living room, with a book, and just nodded as I asked if he wanted pizza for dinner.

I mean, which kid would ever answer no to that question anyway?

Little did I know that when I just seconds later entered my room, there sure were flowers by my window. There was also a small note with familiar handwriting with it. I once again couldn't help but read it as I recognized the paper.

Not my best move.

I later talked to Sammy who had just left one family for the next to visit. She had such luck who had a big family, neither Maggie or dad had any sibling so our little family was already centered where we were. I always couldn't help but wonder whenever I saw a big family if it made things easier or if it was harder to get along.

Did you find support from more people or was it actually harder to find support at all? I mean it must be harder to be closer with so many people, but at the same time my family is very small but we still don't really have any kind of connection.

To make things worse Sammy had also said that she was surrounded by good looking food and drinks as the family she was visiting owned a restaurant.

Sigh.

Now the doorbell is ringing and I just hope that it's the pizza. Because judging from the sound my stomach just made, I might start chewing on my pillow otherwise.

Love, Laura Nancy Collins 

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Your dearest,

6th of April