Into the Fire

Alone In a Room

I wake up surrounded by arms. I look up to see Ben peacefully sleeping, he looks so content.

I don't know what to feel, a part of me feels disappointed in myself for letting myself show weakness to him, but another part of me feels.. happy, happy that Ben didn't give up on me, that he came over last night for whatever reason, I'm happy that I'm in his arms again.

Ben shifts around and opens his eyes, staring down at me. I immediately look elsewhere.

"I-I'm sorry, I know you find that creepy," I speak nervously.

"No, no I love that, I don't know why I said it was creepy. I love it when you look at me," Ben brings my face back to his, with his finger.

"Oh," I say, looking down.

I sit up and stretch, I notice him staring at me.

"What?" I furrow my brows.

"You're just... So beautiful," Ben looks me in the eyes.

"Yeah right," I scoff.

I don't know if he means it or not.

I don't thank him, I just get up and look myself in the mirror. I look a bit better, less pale and less dark looking circles under my eyes.

"You don't believe me?" Ben walks up behind me.

I turn around, leaning against my dresser.

"I don't know what to believe that comes out of your mouth Ben, honestly, I don't know what i can say or do that won't annoy you, or creep you out, or anger you anymore. Everything I did, you told jessica, it annoyed you or you made some sort of comment on," I cross my arms, staring up at him.

Ben moves his hand to me, I flinch back. Ben realizes what he's done to me and that I'm afraid of his sudden movements towards me.

"Roni... I'm so sorry. I will never lay my hands on you again.." Ben speaks softly and slowly, making sure I hear him.

I look down and just nod.

"Can I touch you?" He asks.

I shrug, but nod my head after. He lifts my chin to look at him, he then caresses my cheek and looks me in the eyes.

"Believe me or don't believe me, I think you are the most beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing, lively, amazing women I've ever met. I promise, I will not shove you or hurt you ever again," Ben tells me.

"Then why'd you say other wise," I frown, ignoring his "promise"

"I was just mad.. I know you don't want to believe me but I love you, and I will make sure to prove to you how much I love you for years," Ben gives me a small smile.

"It's not that I don't want to believe you Ben, it's just I can't believe you, after everything you've done to me, it's hard to believe anything you say,"

"Roni, I don't expect you to forgive me, hell I wouldn't forgive me, but I am so, so, so, sorry for everything I have put you through, it was immature of me to act that way, it was the worst life choice I ever had ever made to hurt you, but I never lied to you when I called you beautiful or said I love you," Ben's voice gives away how sincere he is.

Ben moves his thumb to wipe a tear from my cheek.

"God I'm sorry I'm crying again, I know that I'm a crybaby," I try my best to wipe the tears.

"I adore you, I could write books on how much you mean to me and how much I need you in my life to keep going, I know I was shitty to you, I hate myself for it, fuck it's going to be something that I regret for the rest of my life, but if you'll let me, I will make it up to you, I will help you more than I hurt you, I never want to hurt you ever again, I don't want you to be sad because of me, I don't want you to be sad at all, all I want is to make you happy,"

Ben leans in to kiss me, but I step away.

"Ben I can't be with you.." I tell him.

"I.. I understand," Ben kind of frowns but puts on a fake smile.

I look at him, I know he doesn't deserve another chance. He will never and could never deserve another one. But I'm so in love with him, and I know he's sincere about his apology and just with his words.

"You have to gain my trust back Ben, prove to me that you really don't hate me, that you do value me as a person... that you love me, but um," I pause for a sec, taking a deep breath. Cause I know I'm letting Ben back in, "I suppose we can be friends, but if you ever hurt me again Ben, I will not forgive you," I tell him sternly.

"I promise I won't hurt you ever again, you're the best Roni," Ben hugs me. "Do you forgive me?"

"No, but I hope that'll come with time,"

"Okay, I understand," He smiles. "When's the last time you ate something?" Ben becomes concerned.

"I don't know," I kind of shrug. "But I'm trying to lose my extra fat," I pick at my stomach

"You are perfect, I'm so sorry if I made you feel like you were less than that. You still need to eat something," He tells me.

"I'm not hungry," I tell him.

"But it doesn't look like you've eaten much lately, you need to eat,"

"Oh.. okay,"

We walk downstairs and instantly regret it.

"What the fuck is this boy doing in my home?!" My father is livid.

"Dad calm down... him and I are working through it," I tell him.

"He hurt you! Did things to you that aren't forgivable," He spits in Ben's face.

"But this isn't your call, you aren't in my position so please let me handle this," I softly say.

My father sits back down, glaring at Ben.

I quickly make something for Ben and I, then we rush back up to my room.

"I'm sorry about my father," I apologize.

"Don't apologize, I deserve it,"

Ben and I eat as we spend the day watching movies.

It's hard to not just kiss him, I have to keep my priorities straight, and my priorities right now are to act like Ben's friend. No matter what I feel inside, I can't act upon my feelings.

I am still incredibly frustrated and terribly angry with Ben, and there is lots of healing that has to be done, but I know with Ben, I will heal, and we will get through the all of this together.