MY FATE FOR YOURS

Chapter 30- RACHEL

Rachel

 "Eamon," I sigh. "What are you doing here?" Eamon casually slumps into the doorframe and smiles. He's so damn sexy, even when I'm annoyed with him.

"Are you going to invite me in?"

"Okay, but mama's asleep, so keep it down," I warn. "Aunt Jilly's out visiting some friends in town, but she won't be gone too much longer."

"Yes, ma'am," he says. "How is your mom doing?"

I cross my arms over my chest. "Was good. She's doing fine. I'll take her back to Baton Rouge in three days for a follow-up."

"That's really good, Rach. Glad to hear it. Let me know if I can help out, okay?"

I stare back at him and sigh. Everything is always so twisted up between us when it shouldn't be. We know each other too well to be dancing around like this.

"What?" he asks.

"Just didn't figure I'd see you for a while," I say. I turn toward the living room and walk away from him.

"Aw, come on, Rach. Don't be so hard on me," Eamon says. His voice is all boyish charm.

I stop walking and turn toward him.

"Hard on you?" I ask. "What about this situation is hard on you exactly?" I spin on my heels and walk away from him again. "I was so excited to see you today, and I basically got the brush-off."

"Will you stop?" he says. He grabs my forearm with his calloused hand and pulls me back toward him. He smells like hot metal and sweat, and I love it. "I came to apologize. For everything."

"Like?" I lean back as he leans in because I know he's about to lay on a heavy coat of charm to get what he wants.

He pushes the hair back off of my shoulder and then presses his mouth to the now exposed skin. "Like pushing you away." He moves his mouth to my neck. "Like not taking things seriously enough. Like being a jerk."

"A huge jerk," I say.

"Fine, a huge jerk." Eamon's lips continue their trail up along my jaw then my chin. I can feel him smiling the whole way.

"Epically huge," I qualify.

He stops when his mouth is hovering just over mine. Close enough that I'm inundated with his warm breath, but not nearly as close as I want.

I push up onto my tip toes so that I can reach him and he catches my mouth in a sweet, addictive kiss. There will never be enough of these. I lean into him and every movement of his tongue and press of his hand into my back numbs the anger that I felt at him just hours ago.

"I love you," I moan into his mouth.

And it's like a switch has been flipped. Eamon pulls away. He bites his bottom lip and rolls his neck with a sigh.

"Don't say that, Rach," he says.

I blink over and over again. Trying to focus on what he's saying and also, not saying. "Why?"

"I want things to be good for us, doll. But don't say you love me."

"Why?" I repeat as I step closer. Daring him. It's the only language he might understand. He doesn't get to walk away from this. I feel it, and part of me is sure he feels it too.

"I don't...shit, Rachel, you know me." He rubs his hands over his face like it'll magically make this better. "I don't do...love. Not yet. Just give me--"

I shake my head. "Are you kidding me? Did you really come by and expect things to be okay, but you're still not willing to open up? At all? Eamon. I've totally exposed myself here. I'm not even asking for everything. I'm asking for something."

Eamon finally steps closer to me resting his hands on my shoulders like he's explaining something to a child. I'm already on edge and even if he means it to be nice, it sets me off. "Rachel, I'm not saying I won't ever be ready for that. Just right now? You've got to give me some time," he says.

"You should go," I say. I feel like a fool. I thought he came to cement his feelings for me, not push me away all over again. "I'm too tired for this tonight."

"I don't want to leave, Rach. I brought you something, anyway." He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He flips it open and slides out a small piece of paper.

"I know things have been hard for you and your mama. I want to try to make that easier. I don't want you working two jobs, I want you to be able to take more than one nursing class at a time. This can help."

He hands the slip of paper to me. There's a sick, black feeling in my gut as I slowly unfold the small paper. It's a check.

My stomach slides up into my throat, anger and gratitude swirl together and bubble up inside me.

"This is a lot of money, Eamon," I say. I can't help but let my mind turn over the zeros in my head. How much it would help. How much mama and I could do with this kind of money. This has to be every cent Eamon has ever saved since the day he started working. For me. "I can't accept this."

"Sure you can." He holds his hands over mine, the check wrapped up between us. "I want you to have it. I've been saving it for a while, but I really don't need it for anything. I know it'll help."

"I'm not taking your money." I try to hand it back to him but he pushes my hand away.

"Please, Rach. Let me help you," he says. His voice is so warm I almost forget that he just crushed me moments ago. It's so easy for him to hand over money, but not his heart. I don't want it.

"I said I don't want it." I push it into his unwilling hands.

He stares at the money in his hand as if it's completely foreign to him. He can't believe I won't take it. "I don't understand."

"I'm not taking this money because it's the easy way out. Because this is what you do. You think you can give someone a piece of you, but not the whole thing." I take a deep breath and push on his chest, pushing him away from me, even though more distance between us is the last thing in the world that I want. "I'm not taking it because you can stand here in front of me and pay me every compliment in the world, you can offer to change my life, but you can't even say it, you can't say the words that I've been dying to hear since I was thirteen." I watch him stiffen, and that shatters what's left of my heart. But I say it anyway.

"I love you, Eamon LeJeune, and I know that scares you like nothing else, but it's the truth. And if it's not your truth, that's fine, but I think it is. I'm not here to make you feel something you don't. But I think you do. I think you're just being a coward." I swallow hard. I never thought there would be a day when I would purposely say goodbye to Eamon LeJeune. "So take your damn money. I don't want it. I want you."

He opens his mouth twice like he's going to say something but no words come.

"When you're ready to give me you, any part of you, I want you to come back. But not before. My heart can't take it, Eamon."