letter two. titled; you bad man.
i woke up today and i thought okay, it's okay. i try and try. i try so hard.
but you bad bad man. you knew what you were doing. you knew. and you smiled for us and you sang for us. you bad man.
so organised, had you decided when you would leave? did you plan it from the start? i'm so sorry, you bad man.
you?
you bad man.
it hurts all over again. it hurts so bad. there's a crater in my heart shaped like you. down to the shape of your hair, to the width of your shoulders and right to your short height- you you you bad man.
how could you? you stupid stupid man.
i'm sorry. i'm being selfish again.
stupid. bad. hurtful.
every life is meant to be lived. you were meant to live. i'm so sorry you saw no ther escape other than this. i'm in so much pain. because of you, for you. i'm so exhausted.
i have no tolerance for pain. why do you keep doing this to me? why why why.
i shouldn't love you. but i do. i wish i never knew you but i do.
i filled my life with you, every aspect, each small part of me has you. now it's all a mess.
ya allah you're taking care of him yes? please tell me yes. please?
ya allah i know you planned this, i know you knew, please look after him. i don't think he was a bad man.
bad man.
no not really. i don't really, truly think he's a bad man. but can you let me think of you as one just for now? so i can cope? please? i love you.
i miss you. i miss you so much. i look at your face and miss you. i look at you and wonder what was going on in your head. this is a nightmare. it's too real for me. i hate this, you bad bad man.
i wanted to kiss your cheeks, hold your hand and lay my head on your chest. the thought of laying on you, hugging you soothes the burn in my chest. then sadness washes over. i miss you.
i wish i had another boy, person, anyone to kiss. grab them and kiss and break away until i can't think. i want to drown in this energy until everything disappears around me.
will there anyone who speaks to me like you? you were perfection. an angel. i miss you.
you bad man. you bad lovely man. i'm so sorry.
this is the worst. insanity.
i'm listening to any other song, any other sound but you. when all i want is to come to you with your arms wide open for me. but it's too soon, too much.
this is a tragedy. i wish it had never happened. i truly wish it never happened. i wish you had someone, i wish you could've seen a doctor, taken medicine, taken a break. quit the job, retire, move away, start anew. i wish i wish i wish. but it's too late it's too late it's too late.
i think one day i will be over this. one day. but this is another day of slowly moving on, not quite there, not yet there. i feel like i'm stuck.
ya allah, help me. save me. he tried his hardest. this doesn't feel like a gift for him though. simply tragedy.
i'm so sleepy. so tired. but my chest is still so heavy with thoughts of you. how do i cope with this? you did this. you bad man.
my hearts begs to inch away from this inferno. i do too. i'm begging you god. i'm on my knees, bathed in my tears.
grant me peace, grant him peace. let me move on.
i love you. i miss you. you bad man. you angel. you beautiful pretty lovely man. one day this pain will go, i feel it, as soon as i called for the one above. he's listening. i think he'll be kind to you too. i believe that. i love you. i love you too.
my love, my pain, my peace.
