tw death, tw suicide. again please try not to read this mess. i don't expect people to read this but i feel if i send it somewhere then it'll reach him. take care everyone. i love you.
letter one. titled; it's painful.
i told everyone i would write for you. that i would turn this pain into more love. i am full of pain as i write this. i'm in pain because of how much i loved you.
i can't see your lovely face without that pain ripping through me, searing me, breaking me apart with such force that i struggle to catch my breath.
i have never felt grief for a real human heart thats stopped and then you happened.
you happened to me. you happened all over me, inside of me.
i cant listen to your lovely voice without my chest swelling and a sickness kicking me to my core.
you were my greatest solace and now you're my greatest sorrow. my love.
i loved you.
i loved you.
i loved you.
my heart cries in grief with this love.
your heart has stopped and the struggle you felt haunts me. what lay in your heart? i thought it only beauty and good and strength to fight what else lurked there.
i'm in distress. i shouldn't be should i? you never touched my skin or looked in my eyes or even glimpsed my face. i was one heart in a sea of hundreds. the sea of us is turning to blood. we're bleeding. i feel like every time i halt the flow- the moment i see your face, hear your voice in my head, feel your name in my mouth, see your smile behind my eyes, i come crashing. the sea of blood erupts into a crashing wave.
i saw you smiling the other day. i never thought i would wake to this reality. this cold bitter deeply sore reality. i wish it were a lie. a dream. a nightmare. it couldn't be you. why was it you?
how could you leave like this? how? you told me to say you did well. you said goodbye in a single word. my heart turns over that word and tears fall and i can't breath a single bit. i miss you. i'm sorry. i wish i never loved you.
this would make this so much easier wouldn't it? but its funny how every time i try and brush this off by saying i didn't love him, i won't love him, let's pretend i never did- my chest and my organs squeeze inside of me, choking me and calling out my lies.
i hate i hate i hate how you left. bitter and devastated and hopeless and awful and mean. i;m so sorry you left like that. i want to reach over and scream at everyone who let you go like this.
why why why why why
why you?
you were on my mind each day, each night, i thought the world of you. you've hurt me.
i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry my love.
you helped me, you wept with me in my salty tears and you brushed those tears away with your words and your soul and i could not do a thing for you. i selfishly took from you.
why did you leave like this? i would rather you scream and smoke and you wept and left the men who were doing this to you. it took you. it almost took me. i can't believe it took you.
i don't know what your heart was singing, yelling, whispering to you- no battle is too steep when you fight for yourself. you must have struggled to see how there ever could be a way out when these eyes like mine were looking at you. when you breath and walk and talk. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry.
