Bound by Law

Bound by Law || 41- Scarred Heart

"Mad at yourself?" I echoed. I tried to think of reasons to why, but I couldn't and shook my head, lost. "I don't understand."

He sighed, leaning away and pushing a hand through his hair roughly.

"I'm mad at myself for not being able to control what I feel," he grudgingly admitted before whispering, "I don't want to get hurt again."

Jai's words gave me a shock but I wanted nothing more than to know what he was talking about.

"What do you mean?"

It was as if my softly spoken question brought him back to reality as his stature jerked a little. Jai leaned down again, his breath fanning my lips softly causing shivers to run down my spine.

"Do you really wanna know?" he asked, leaning down closer, his features twisted into one of doubt. I nodded ever so slightly and he sighed as if he was reluctant to share.

"Are you sure? I...don't think you're ready."

I froze at this. "Wha—what do you mean?" At the silence that followed, frustration began to grow within me. "Just please tell me, Jai. I want t—"

"I fucking love you, alright?" he snapped, his chest heaving at the confession. I froze but he continued. "And it's—it's been driving me bloody insane these past few days because I can't control how I feel. Every time I see you, I want to touch you and hug you and kiss you—just do anything to you but I—I know you're not ready. With all the shit that had happened—with Rahul and losing Gavin as a friend—I thought you'd want to deal with things alone a little bit. I knew I'd lose control around you after I realised exactly how strongly I felt for you so I pulled away.

"But, that morning, being wrapped up with you in bed, it was the first time we'd done something like that after I had accepted my feelings for you and it made me realise just how much you mean to me and how much I just want you. Honestly, it scared me, knowing how close I was to letting myself go and taking you right then and there. It's been so fucking hard to control myself around you, so," he said, shrugging, "I distanced myself because I didn't want to scare you."

Silence enveloped us then as I tried to make sense of reality and the information that he had poured on me, settle. Jai stared at me, his eyes searching mine desperate for an answer but I was...stuck.

I couldn't think. My mind had gone blank. I couldn't focus on anything but the fact that I could feel every rise and fall of his chest as he breathed because he was so close to me.

My heart was thumping so wildly against his chest, I was afraid he could hear it.

So is this a confession? Didn't he..what? Whatever it is, I should tell him how I feel.

Trying to ignore the improperness and the closeness of the situation, I looked up at Jai, who suddenly had on a mask of indifference.

It was when he stepped away from me that I realised what my mistake had been.

I had paused for a heartbeat too long. Even as I opened my mouth to confess, he gazed at me with blank eyes.

"This was another one of the reasons why I didn't want to fucking tell you. Are you happy now?"

As he turned to walk away, I shook my head, not accepting the situation as it had turned out and called out to him.