Grandmama's Mansion

A Spectator To My Own Actions

"Alexandre... He..." I couldn't say it. I tried with every fiber of my being, but nothing would come out. Nothing would work. I was frozen. All of my guilt was choking me, so many words were trying to come out at once, but it just wouldn't come out. It was like my tongue was clogged with too many words.

I really wanted him to know and relieve myself of all my grieving, if possible, but it just didn't seem to want to happen. I was scared of what Lance would think. I loved him, but yet I just had sex, in a way, with someone else, and I didn't know how to take it myself, let alone how he would take it.

"Alexandre did what? You can tell me. I won't be mad or laugh. I love you too much to hurt you. Whatever it is, you can tell me." Lance spoke with such care, it truly helped. He placed his hand on my back to comfort me. Every time he touched me my stomach got all gitty. It might sound cheesy, but he had that magic touch, at least for me.

"Alexandre raped me, but I think I enjoyed it," I said as fast as I could, subconsciously wanting Lance not to understand me and just say "okay." The second I finished my eyes flooded with tears. Even saying it was painful. I covered my face to hide them.

I felt embarrassed that I was crying. I didn't want to cry, and it took everything I had to keep it to a few tears sliding down my face, but I didn't want him to see me still. To me, tears were something you had to keep a secret or bad things would happen to you.

"It's okay. It's not like sex isn't supposed to be pleasurable. And it's not like you started it. It's okay, really, it is. Don't blame yourself. I still love you." He spoke so tenderly that I wanted to stay with him in the room for the rest of my life. He was truly and absolutely perfect. Getting a hold of my tears, I looked up at Lance. He was smiling his adorable smile, his eyes glinting in the candle light. His words truly helped me as I had hoped. It felt like his words reached into my soul and took out all my guilt and shame. I felt as if only the memories remained.

I leaned in and we kissed. I couldn't stop my heart jumping in happiness. His lips were so soft and tender. The kiss lasted for what seemed like an eternity, until I felt the flame-like pain inside myself. Hatred, fear, and anger exploded inside me as I jumped up and ran out of the room, leaving Lance at the bed. I looked back briefly and saw his eyes filled with worry as he slowly stood up.

I expected him to follow me but he just stood there at the bed. I wanted to tell him to hide, but by the time I had the idea I could no longer see him, or the room. I turned several more corners, trying to get as far away as I could.

I knew the demon was coming back, and I knew I had to learn to suppress it myself. I ran throughout the mansion, desperately looking for Grandmama. I checked the whipping room. No luck. I looked in the room she eats in. Still no luck. It was the only time I ever wanted to see Grandmama and her dreadful self. It felt very odd and just plain wrong wanting to see her.

I was scared of the demon controlling me again. I thought he might be smart and sneak up on Grandmama. In a way I wanted him to kill her, but I knew that he wouldn't stop there. He was a demon and all he would do is go on a killing spree, leaving all their deaths with my hands. I refused to let it happen, or at least I tried.

I started to run to the grand hall, but before I got there, I lost control of my legs and fell to the floor. This time, the pain was even stronger and awfully prominent. I eventually lost all control and was, once again, just a spectator to my own actions.

"I'm back!" the demon said with a tone so demeaning I could imagine the snide grin on my face. "Did you miss me?" The way he talked - or thought - to me was angering in itself. I wanted to slap him, but all that would do was hurt my own face even more. All I thought about was beating him up until my body started to move. It turned around and headed back to my room.