Winter's Redemption [winter soldier//Bucky Barnes AU]

Chapter Eighteen

BUCKY'S POV

I clutched the chair tightly as Sarah gently wiped at the wound. The cloth was soaked in liquor- the only cleaning agent we could find- and it stung.

But I've endured worse, so I sat there, not making a sound. Sarah was biting her lip in concentration, hovering over me to fix my chest. There was a lot of blood and it was a mess of torn flesh. She cringed anytime I flinched. When she brushed her blonde, curly hair away from her eyes, she left a streak of my blood across her temple.

I leaned forward and rubbed it off gently with my thumb, slowly wiping the tinge of war off of her skin. She didn't deserve to have any sign of war on her. When my thumb pressed to her skin her eyes snapped up to meet mine, the first time she had looked at me since we sat down to address my marred skin. I again couldn't help but notice how naturally beautiful she was. Her hair fell just below her rib cage, a curly, unruly mess of blonde. Her shining blue eyes were heavy with doubt as she assessed my wounds, and I could tell that she worried for me. I wondered, once again, how she could care for a monster such as myself.

Her top was ripped and stained and with my blood. The bottoms of her pants were hanging in tatters, and she had a line of dirt running from her elbow to her hand. The longer I looked, the less I could deny the feeling in my stomach I got whenever I saw her. And it terrified me, because she deserved so much more, and I couldn't afford to care about anyone with the kind of life I lead. It'll just add more pain to my life and hers.

She blushed as I examined her and looked down, wiping away the last of the blood and wrapping the wound up with some bandages we found in the bathroom cabinet.

"Thanks," I said, my voice gruff. She nodded, and I got up to hand her the last of the clean clothes she had left. We both needed to change.

She thanked me with a small smile and headed to the bathroom. I stripped down to my underwear and pulled out shorts and a white shirt, slipping them on and instantly feeling better. I waited for Sarah to finish changing and turned on the tv.

A second later, Sarah came out of the bathroom wearing black spandex shorts and a navy blue sweatshirt. I gave her a smile, and she smiled back wide, happy that I was smiling now. She wandered over to the bed and laid down next to me. The title of a movie flashed across the screen and I let myself relax slightly, because for now, I wasn't in any prevalent danger. I leaned against the pillows and Sarah stayed someways away from me, glancing at me every now and then. I rolled my eyes.

"You know, I don't bite." I told her, and she immediately gave me a sarcastic look.

"Ok, maybe I do. But only when my mind is being controlled," I added, giving her a small grin. She shook her head and moved to sit next to me, her shoulder leaning against my metal one.

"Sorry. It's not the comfiest thing to lean on," I told her, gesturing to my arm, and she shook her head.

"I like your metal arm. It's like a really cool battle scar." She said, a smile playing on her lips. She had this way of smiling, where her eyes almost closed all the way as the grin took up her whole face. It was so happy, so carefree, that it made everyone else want to smile too.

"Well I'm stuck with it, regardless of how I feel," I muttered as we continued to watch the movie. Her smile faltered and I immediately hated myself for killing her mood. She didn't reply.

About half way through the movie, I was completely lost, and she was bored. I could tell that she was itching to say something and eventually she opened her mouth to speak.

"You know, I don't know much about you," she started, and I raised my eyebrow, causing her to laugh.

"Well, neither of us know much about you. Let's find out what you like," She suggested, and I looked at her, skeptical.

"Oh, come on. It's not like it will be hard." She said. I sighed.

"Fine."

"Alright. What's your favorite color?" She asked me, and I hesitated. Stumped on the first question. What did the old Bucky like? I couldn't for the life of me remember. So I looked around the room and decided how I felt now.

"Um...I like blue." I replied, eyeing the blue curtains on the other side of the room. She nodded.

"I like green. What's your...favorite animal?" She asked softly. I thought, but nothing really came to mind.

"I have no idea," I replied.

"That's alright, not many people have one. Let's see...what's your favorite memory?"

I frowned, and she looked a little uneasy.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," she quickly added, sensing my discomfort, and I shook my head.

"No, it's alright. Let me think."

I closed my eyes, flipping through the images that immediately came to mind. I saw pictures of Steve, memories of him smiling and crying and standing at his parents graves. I saw Steve struggling in his time as a young adult and me helping him. I saw flashes of war, images of being captured by Zola appearing clearer than any memories of Steve. My mind began turning to a darker place but I was unable to stop it. Blood, pain, screams, metal on metal. Hospital beds, burned flesh, the sound of bullets ripping through skin. The blank numbness of an empty mind.

I realized only when Sarah called my name that I was grasping at my head, eyes screwed shut against the demons ravaging my mind. It wasn't the first time that this has happened, but the fact that I could slip so far into myself so suddenly was worrying.

"Bucky, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have asked that, just please come back to me," I heard her voice call, and the images of horror slowly began to subside. I pulled my hands from my face and looked at her with a bleak, tired expression. Her eyebrows were drawn together with worry and all smiles were gone. Once again, I hated myself for erasing her joy.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, eyes half open. I could hardly see straight, images of bodies and years of suffering dancing in front of my eyes.

"No, don't apologize for something that isn't your fault. They stole your identity- don't let let them steal your sanity too."

My heart beat irregularly, hallucinations and noises filling my senses. I tried, oh god I tried, to drown them out in her eyes. I stared at them until all I saw was blue.

"I'm going to go get you some water, alright? I'll be back in one second," Sarah said, squeezing my hand once before letting go and hurrying to the kitchen. I was left alone in the bed with my thoughts. I clenched my teeth and sat up with a groan, the images subsiding long enough for me to think clearly. 

Why can't I be the person everyone wants me to be? Why can't I remember?

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