The Boyfriend Borrower

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen.

Why am I still kissing him? I should've stopped him thirty minutes ago, but now I'm crushed underneath him, thinking about Sam and what it's like to kiss him. I'm a terrible person. I can't go get waffles with him after making out with Josh. Shit. All of my effort that I put into mending my issues was pointless because I had to kiss Josh. Actually, kissing him definitely made things a million times clearer, the fact that I'm still kissing him is what's ruining my progress. Damn.

Josh's touch used to make me tingle and now it's like my skin is numb to it. To him. I feel like I'm making out with Brody, or some other jerk.

I finally bring my hands up to Josh's chest and push him back. "I hope you know this isn't going anywhere."

Josh sits up, putting more space between us. I didn't know how much he was suffocating me until he stopped. "I figured," he says.

It gets awkwardly quiet between us. The silence after the make out session is always uncomfortable, especially since he's still just chilling in his boxer briefs. Should I say something? Should I leave? In all honesty, I really want to get out of here and go see Sam.

"Brittany," Josh says, interrupting my thoughts. "Part of my recovery is to be honest," he pauses, like he's thinking hard about what he wants to say, or how he wants to say it. "When we started talking again, I never expected to want to be with you again, but I do. I'm not saying we should. I know it's a horrible idea... I'm not going to be the guy I should be, or even want to be. Being sober should make me better, but it doesn't, it only makes me more conscious of my mistakes. It still doesn't stop me from making them."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I don't want to lead you on or anything," Josh confesses. "I've kind of come to the realization that I'm not the boyfriend type. I want you to know that if you have any kind of feelings for me anymore, you really shouldn't. If we ever tried to... well I'd treat you like shit, I'd cheat on you, I'd forget your birthday, I'd definitely lie, I'd forget to call, I'd say one thing and do another... I wish I could be the nice guy. Especially for you. After everything I put you through because of my own idiotic issues, you definitely deserve it, but I'm just not that guy. Who knows, maybe one day I will be, but until then...I'm like this."

"Thanks for your honesty."

"But hey, if you ever want to get high and hook up, I'm definitely that guy," he chuckles.

"The mere thought of that actually makes me sick, but thank you," I laugh.

He holds out his hand. "Friends?"

"Acquaintances," I correct, shaking his hand. Friends is too much.

Josh rolls his eyes, looking at his phone. "It's almost eleven; you should probably take that guy up on his waffle date if it isn't too late. It's Ass-Grabber, isn't it?"

I nod. "He's actually really sweet, that Ass-Grabber."

"Must be."

Getting off Josh's bed, I adjust my shirt and run my fingers through my hair. "I'll uh, see you around...?" I trail off, not knowing what else to say.

"Not if you can help it, I'm sure," he jokes as I start walking towards the door. "Um, Brittany," he stops me, making me look back at him. "Is there any way I could talk you into using the window? It's just that when I moved in, Jenna's mom told me that I wasn't allowed to have girls in my room. Apparently I'm already a bad influence on Jordan."