LET'S KEEP IT A SECRET

Stay or Leave?

I woke up with GD beside me. I don't know what I'm doing. Why am I still here? 

" Good morning" 

I heard him say softly to me. It pains me every time I see his face. I remember everything that has happened. I want to forget. I want to go back to the way it was before where everything was good, where everything was normal. 

" Good morning" 

I replied. Not looking at him. I tried to stand up but my legs gave up. 

"Are you okay?" 

I'm crying again. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feeling anything for this person anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I'm completely broken to the point of not caring what happens to me. 

"I tried to understand what you are  going through. I tried to fool myself that what you did to me is something you wouldn't do again and we'd be like what we used to before. I tried to lie to myself that I would be the one to change you and make you a better person and take away those nightmares. I tried to do everything I can to the one worthy of taking care of you. I tried Kwon Ji Young. I tried! I freaking tried! But why am I this miserable now? Why am I sitting on this floor crying and ranting about how hard I tried? Why am I despising you? Even the thought of you makes me want to puke. What happened Ji young-ah? What happened?" 

I sat there bawling. Crying my eyes out as I've decided that this is the last time I'm ever going to cry for this man. 

He sat beside me cupped my face with his hands and stared at me. 

" We can still make it work, Dara. If we work hard enough, we'll pull through."

He's trying hard to smile and make everything okay. It's so hard looking at him in the eyes because they are trying to get to me that there is still hope. His expression looking like there is this tiny strand of hope and at any moment it would break together with his soul. I don't want to give him any of that hope as he shattered mine but i want him to live on and see him struggle to be good again. 

"Dara, please,  I know we can do this. We've been together for a long time, now's not the time to give up, you know? I know we are strong,  I know we can overcome this so please Dara, PLEASE!" 

His voice is getting louder and getting more anxious as he speaks, 

"PLEASE, DARA, PLEASE!! DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE! I NEED YOU! PLEASE!"

He placed his arms around me and pulled me tight.  Why am I so weak? Why am I so weak when it comes to his cries? I broke out from his hug and stood up. I headed straight to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. 

This time, this time, I'll listen to what my heart says. This is the last time. 

"if you want to stay, stay. If you can't bear it anymore, then leave." 

I repeatedly said to myself as if someone was talking to me. This always helps me make my decision. I opened the door, turned of the lights and got out. 

GD was sitting in the floor like a little kid with his knees to hi face rocking back and forth. 

"Dara?" 

He stood up, patted his pants and tried to get close to me but I backed away which made him stop. 

" I'll stay with you."