LET'S KEEP IT A SECRET

Chapter 18

Should I just kill myself? I keep on asking and asking myself, repeatedly everyday since that incident happened. We are still in the hospital. GD has a cast on his arm, since, the doctor said, he dislocated it. I heard from GD's manager that the funeral was held not long after. GD took all the responsibilty.

The night after the incident happened, it appeared in my dream. I was shaking and breathing heavily the moment I woke up. It still hunts me up to now. But what about GD? It still worries how he hasn't talked until now. I want to go over and comfort him like I would want to do for that little girl's mother. Knowing how her dreams are shattered right before she polishes them. It pains me. And it's killing me.

I got a bandage wrapped around my head the doctor said shrads of glass pirced my head. It was unbelievable at first but knowing how much it hurts, I might start to believe that. After I woke up, the nurse said, I wanted to go to GD's room. I cried and cried to the point that they can't calm me down but as soon as I did, she said I wanted to commit suicide. She said, I told her that I want to junp off a building and donate all my organs to that little girl so she can live. Stupid right? Haha. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I don't want to get this in my head so much because I know GD will need me. His sister came as soon as they the hospital called. Her reception still continued but without her and her family. She left her husband in charge as he understands what's going on. They took care of the media and said that they will release a statement after GD has recovered. But he isn't. He hasn't.

"Hey"

The door opened and GD's sister came in.

"Hello"

I said formally. She has dark circles under her eyes. I heard her husband just got here. I wonder if she hasn't slept yet.

"Tough huh?"

I just nodded and I started to fidget. I want to cry again. I want to go to GD right now. I want to know how he's doing. I want to see him si badly.

"You want to see him?"

That's when tears fell down. I was sobbing like a baby. She came to me and hugged me tight like how a mother would.

"I.....really........want......to....see......him so.......badly"

I manged to say between my sobs. It's so painful not knowing anything what's happening to the one you love. You just keep on wondering and wondering until you lose it.

"Come on. Let's go see him."

She held my hand and helped me stand up. My knees became weak as we stood in front of GD's room. What am I supposed to say to him? I can't just say everything is all right when he just took someone's life. I know it's just to assure that there is someone to help him get back on track and that it will eventually go back to normal. But I can't. I can't just tell him that when I know a person is suffering for what he's done. I just can't bring myself to do it. You can't bring back someone's life by saying it's going to be all right.

His sister opened the door for me and I saw him staring at the ceiling. His arms crossed on top of his stomach, his feet straightly laid on the bed. I wonder what he's thinking right now.

"Hey I brought you company."

He looked in our direction and looked at us for a second. I just stood there staring back at him not knowing what to say. What am I supposed to say? I waled closer to his bed side and held his hand as soon as I got in to position.

"Hey."

I said gently lifting his hand to clasp to mine. He removed his hand from my touch and that pierced my heart. He.. does not want to talk to me too?

"It's my fault."

He said looking at the other direction. This time his sister left the both of us inside the room to have a talk and straighten things out.

"I wouldn't deny that but it's not entirely your fault. I am at fault. The mother is at fault."

I don't want to lie to him. It's not the right time to be honest but I think he needs it. I don't want him to run away from his problems like I used to to my problems.

"You don't have to make me feel better. It's entirely my fault."

I saw his eyes squint as if keeping his anger within him.

"I am telling the truth. It's my fault for not telling you clearly that she was right about to cross the lane. The mother's at fault for not holding on to her daughter or probably not teaching her about traffic lights. GD, don't put all the blame to yourself. I blame myself too to the point of wanting to commit suicide."

He faced my direction and touched my hand. Tears building up. He really has to let that go.

"Don't leave me. I need you."

He said as he finally let go of the tears he held on for too long. I sat down on his bed and held his face to my hands.

"Of course I won't leave. That s probably why i'm still alive today and also thanks to the nurse who didn't let me jump off a building."

He smiled but tears are still falling down his face.

"I don't have the courage to face her mother. I don't have the courage to step in a room with her mother. I'm scared. I don't want to drive anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to say. I don't know I don't know I don't know."

His hands grabbing his hair like a mad man, I wanted him to stop but I didn't know why I did not stop him. His voice was getting louder and louder, his grip on his hair getting tighter and stronger. I just stood there with a blank expression . I can't move and speak. Her sister came to the room and immediateky came to GD. She hushed him to calm him down.

"Please help me."

He said.