Hope

Chapter 14

Proverbs 17:17 (ESV) A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Back in my dorm room, sitting on the floor among packed cardboard boxes, my hands shook as I waited for Kaitlyn to return my phone call. She sent to call to voicemail after two rings. I suddenly remembered that she wouldn't be free until the end of the hour, so I left her a brief message: "Call me when you can."

My phone buzzed, but I hit accept without checking the caller ID. "Ryan, wh-"

I ended the call before Drew could finish his question. I instantly got a text message that read: I'll give you space. But please let's talk before we move out.

I sighed and set my phone off to the side. How can I say anything to him when I don't even know how I'm feeling? I could be overreacting. My body could just be physiologically reacting to the presence of a guy close to me. Even in high school, I thought I constantly was crushing on new guys because I wasn't used to getting attention.

This is why I need Kaitlyn to call back soon.

And she did. When my phone buzzed again, I made sure that Kaitlyn was the caller before I answered. Kaitlyn immediately asked, "What happened? Are you hurt?"

"Something went down between me and Drew."

"If he hurt you, I swear."

"No he didn't hurt me. If anything, I think I'm hurting myself."

"Ryan I don't understand."

"I don't understand either. I'm a mess of emotions."

"Talk me through what happened."

I recounted the entirety of the few hours spent with Drew, from lunch and walking to where Alex and I confessed our love, and to the prayer followed by his accusation of me making a move. My voice shook as I thought of how tenderly I wiped the tear away. "No wonder he thought I was making a move on him," I moaned. "We were so vulnerable in the moment."

"Ryan, I love you, and I know you are feeling lots of conflicting emotions. But, I do not think Drew seriously believed you were pulling a move."

"Maybe not, but he didn't need to point it out. I'm all freaked out and flustered because of it."

In a soothing tone, Kaitlyn told me, "I don't think that Drew's comment affected you. I think you are freaked out because you do care a lot for him, and it all hit you at the moment."

I batted away tears, and when I spoke, my voice croaked, "Kaitlyn," but I couldn't finish my thought. I choked on a sob. "I'm cheating on Alex. I can't believe it."

"No no no, honey. No you aren't!" Kaitlyn rushed to reassure me. I only cried harder, curling my head into my legs. "Trust me, catching feelings for someone else is not cheating. Even if Alex was sitting by your side. Well, maybe then it would be. Ignore that. Alex isn't here. You assume he is gone. You have every right to move on."

"Yes, I have to live life like Alex is gone. But it's only been a few months. How can I possibly start liking another guy? I loved Alex with all my heart!"

"Just think of how much time you have spent with Drew. You guys have supported each other during one of the most heartbreaking situations I can imagine. Even complete strangers would form a tight bond."

I took deep breaths and wiped at the tears spilling down my cheeks. "So it isn't a bad thing to like Drew as... to like him?"

"No."

"How do we even know that I do like Drew in that way? He has been a great friend, and I can care for him without taking it romantically."

"If you cared for him like a brother, you wouldn't be so insecure about quote-unquote making a move. You wouldn't feel guilt or betrayal towards Alex. After all, you never had this doubt before."

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I stayed silent, thinking Kaitlyn would keep talking. She caught my hesitation, and slowly asked, "Have you had doubt before?"

"I wouldn't call it that," I admitted hesitantly, "but I would try to not let people get wrong ideas about us. I felt like I had to take extra caution to avoid crossing a line. A thick line, but I never wanted to end up in a situation that I would hesitate in sharing with Alex. Like sitting in Drew's room when he changed clothes? I would be upset if Alex did that with a girl. But going out to eat? Never hesitated."

"Of course, with the news of Keaton and Alex, we let down some boundaries as we comforted each other. I never worried because it was as platonic as if you and me – or even me and Sam – were mourning together. So to go from platonic friends to the possibility in something more... it's just going too fast Kaitlyn!"

Kaitlyn spoke softly, "I think you need to remember that you will always form different relationships with people. Different relationships that occur at different paces. There are no rules for time."

"I haven't stopped loving Alex."

"Of course not. You shouldn't."

"But I care for Drew."

"Hearts have lots of space for love, my dear. You aren't the first to lose a lover and then find hope in another person."

I let Kaitlyn's words sink in before I asked her, "So what do I do?"

"I can't make decisions in your love life."

"I need help though."

"Open your heart to the Lord. I think some thought through prayers will help you find answers."

"I'm glad to hear religious support, Kaitlyn, but I still need a practical action."

"Don't you think you should talk to Drew about this too? Maybe you thought yourself into a frenzy, and he only has platonic feelings."

"Well wouldn't that be ironic– to cry and admit I like... I care for Drew and then have him reject it."

Kaitlyn laughed. "Oh, how pessimistic."

"I prefer to call it realistic." A smile snuck onto my face and I sat up, leaning back against the wall of my dorm room. "Drew has been reaching out like crazy for us to talk," I admitted.

"Then seriously take my advice. Talk to God and then talk to Drew."

"God first."

"Amen."